FADE IN

Outside the temple.

Officer #2 leads Aphrodite up to a horse-drawn wagon and helps her inside, her hands still cuffed, then shuts the door. Officer #1 gets into the driver's seat and grabs the rein of the horse while Officer #2 mounts his horse. They ride away.

The camera pulls around to show Xena, Gabrielle, and Ares standing in the temple doorway.

ARES (angrily):
     We could have so taken them.

GABRIELLE:
     They're officers of the law! It wouldn't be right.

ARES:
     Oh, and letting them arrest my sister is right?

XENA:
     Listen, they told us we can go to the jail and bail her out. So that's what we'll have to do.

ARES (shakes his head):
     Mortal...I knew something was different about her.

XENA:
     Well, yeah. The lousy messenger service should have been a tip-off.

ARES:
     I don't get it. Why would she give up her powers so soon?

GABRIELLE:
     It doesn't matter now. Lets just go down town and get this worked out.

CUT TO

Aphrodite, with her hands shackled, is sitting in the back of the van. There are tears streaming down her face.

HEPHAESTUS (off-camera):
     Don't get angry at me!

DISSOLVE TO

Aphrodite stares out the window as the cart comes to a stop.

CUT TO

A wide shot of the town is shown.

DISSOLVE TO

Jail. A rather large, thickset law officer is working the front counter. He is chewing on something. The doors in front of him open up as Xena, Gabrielle, and Ares enter. The officer swallows whatever he was eating and looks up.

LAW OFFICER:
     What can I do you for?

GABRIELLE (politely):
     We are here to pay the bail for a friend of ours. She, uh--she was arrested for living in Aphrodite's temple.

The officer grabs a sticky, round pastry from a wooden box beside him and takes a bite. The cream filling from the pastry squirts out all over his mouth and fingers.

LAW OFFICER (with his mouth full, trying to wipe the mess off of his face to look at least somewhat presentable):
     O-ohhh--you mean the one who thinks she's the Goddess of Love? (chuckles)

GABRIELLE (softly):
     Yeah, that's her.

The law officer chuckles again and nearly chokes on his pastry, as the camera pans over to Ares, who looks like he could strangle him. The law officers has a fit of coughing.

LAW OFFICER:
     So you're all friends of hers?

GABRIELLE (nods):
     Yeah.

ARES (stepping up):
     I'm her brother.

LAW OFFICER (chuckling):
     Let me guess. Hermes--messenger of the gods.

Ares rolls his eyes.

LAW OFFICER (taking another bite of his pastry):
     Nah, I'm just kidding. Hold on a minute.

The officer moves to the back of the room. There's a series of rather tall, cumbersome looking contraptions standing along the back wall. They look like a bunch of wooden chests lined with bronze stacked one on top of the other. Each chest has an inscription of a Greek letter on the front, starting with "alpha" and ending with "omega".

The officer walks up to the first chest tower and looks at the top chest that reads "alpha". He turns a bronze handle and the front of the chest pulls down (rather than opens at the top like most chests do). He pulls down another bronze handle on the inside of the chest that triggers a spring to activate in the back of the chest and a wooden shelving unit extends out of the chest, scrolls hanging from it in alphabetical order. He fingers through the scrolls, looking for the right one.

After a moment he gives a muffled "ah-hah" and takes the scroll off of the wooden bars it hangs on, pushes the shelving back inside and closes the chest.

LAW OFFICER (looking at the scroll):
     Well, it seems as if Aphrodite has been transferred.

XENA (confused):
     Transferred?

LAW OFFICER:
     Yup. Looks like they sent her to the funny farm. (off their confused looks) An asylum, you know, for the-- (he twirls his fingers at his temple) It's just a coupla streets down from here.

GABRIELLE:
     Why would they do that so quickly?

LAW OFFICER (guffaws):
     Well, the woman claims she's the Goddess of Love. She's obviously a few olives short of a jar.

Xena, obviously irritated, turns to Gabrielle and Ares.

XENA:
     Come on. Let's get going.

ARES:
     We're getting her out of there.

LAW OFFICER:
     Good luck with that! (chuckles) They're not just going to let somebody go until they get 'em fixed up here. (He points at his head, then takes another bite on his pastry)

XENA (sarcastically):
     Well, thanks for your help, officer.

LAW OFFICER (tries to grin, his mouth full):
     Anytime.

The three exit the jail.

CUT TO

Xena, Gabrielle and Ares are walking briskly down the street, Xena in the middle, Gabrielle and Ares at her side.

GABRIELLE:
     This is ridiculous.

ARES:
     We have to get her out of there. She's mortal, she lost her husband, and if they put her in there then she probably will end up going crazy. (shakes his head) She's been there before. I've been there before. And I'm not letting that happen to her again.

XENA (gives Ares a warm look and puts a hand on his arm):
     We'll get her out.

ARES:
     Got a plan?

XENA:
     Not yet. (annoyed) Why does everyone always think I have a plan?

GABRIELLE (smiles):
     Because you usually do. (thinks a moment) Look, what if we just go in there and tell them that we know her and she really is Aphrodite, she just lost her godhood?

ARES (snorts):
     Yeah, that'd get us locked up right next to her. You're a big help.

Xena stops suddenly in her tracks, abruptly laying a hand on Gabrielle and Ares' shoulders to bring them to a halt.

XENA:
     I do now.

ARES (confused):
     You do now what?

XENA:
     Have a plan.

ARES (puts an arm around her shoulder):
     That's my girl.

CUT TO

Exterior shot of the insane asylum. It is a large, stone building built out of pure white limestone bricks, reflecting the sun so much that it is almost blinding. The asylum is surrounded by a stone wall.

DISSOLVE TO

Inside the asylum. Healers wearing long white gowns are walking down the stark white halls. The camera pulls around to show the entrance. A man comes in pushing Aphrodite who is sitting in a small wooden chair with rickety wheels. Her hands are tied; she looks frightened and confused.

A tall man with dark hair walks up to her.

ASSISTANT (to the man pushing the cart):
     Lets see what we got.

The assistant holds up a wooden board with a scroll pinned to it, skims the scroll and then looks down at Aphrodite and smiles.

ASSISTANT:
     Hello, my name is Caprinus.

APHRODITE (forcefully):
     I'm not crazy.

CAPRINUS (reading the scroll):
     Uh-huh...it says here you call yourself Aphrodite, the Goddess of Love. Asked to leave the temple where you took up residence three times before you were arrested... (reading on) Had two girls from town serving you at the temple and made them believe you were the Goddess of Love... (He looks up at her, shaking his head reproachfully) Tsk, tsk. (goes back to the scroll) Told the arresting officers your father Zeus would make sure they burned for eternity in Tartarus...

APHRODITE (playing innocent):
     I'm kinda having a bad day.

CAPRINUS (puts his hand on her shoulder):
     Listen, Aphrodite, here at the Cyrilla Asylum for Troubled Souls, we want to help you find your true self. (reassuringly) We are here to help you.

APHRODITE:
     Listen, when my friend Xena--

CAPRINUS:
     Oh, Xena's a friend of yours? The Warrior Princess? (He shakes his head and sighs.) Right. (To the man pushing the cart) Take her to her room. The medic will see her shortly.

Aphrodite begins to struggle.

APHRODITE (shouts):
     Get me out of here! I'm not crazy! (yells) I'm not crazy!

DISSOLVE TO

Fade in on a small room. The walls are painted white; a very small window in the back allows a small amount of light to enter. The camera pulls around to show Aphrodite slouched helpless in the corner, seated on a mat. She is wearing a blue tunic and pants. The door to the room in front of her is closed and we hear the sound of a bolt being moved shut.

She sighs helplessly.

HEPHAESTUS (off-camera):
     Aren't you even going to talk to me?

CUT TO

Outside the psychiatric hospital. Inside the walls of the hospital is a garden surrounding the building. The camera pulls in on Gabrielle and Ares as they walk down the path. Gabrielle is wearing a blue dress and some fancy jewelry, while Ares is dressed in fancy green clothes. They do not look pleased to be there.

GABRIELLE (mutters):
     I can't believe we are actually going along with this plan.

ARES (rolls his eyes):
     Well, it wasn't my idea.

GABRIELLE:
     Yeah? Well, she got it from something you said. So I'm holding you responsible.

ARES (through clenched teeth):
     Let's just get it over with.

They approach a portly middle-aged woman in a white gown sitting at a table, scribbling on a scroll.

GABRIELLE (sighs):
     Here goes nothing.

As they come closer, the woman looks up.

WOMAN:
     Can I help you?

GABRIELLE (acting very pompous):
     Hello, I'm Eutropia. This is my husband, Andros.

Ares gives the woman a forced smile. The woman extends her hand for a handshake.

WOMAN:
     I'm Erika. It's a pleasure to meet you both. (to Gabrielle, glancing at her stomach) You--do know this isn't a maternity hospital, right?

GABRIELLE (blushing):
     Right. Um, this isn't for me.

ERIKA (with a big, fake smile):
     Well, congratulations. I'm sure you'll be great parents. Is this your first?

ARES (grins evilly):
     No, it's our fifth. She just (clicks his fingers) pops 'em out one after the other.

Gabrielle looks daggers at him, then laughs heartily.

GABRIELLE (laughing):
     Oh, my husband is such a kidder. It's our first.

ERIKA:
     I'm sure you've already got a name picked out.

GABRIELLE:
     Well...

ARES:
     If it's a boy, we're naming him Ares. You know, after the God of War and all.

GABRIELLE (laughs again):
     Such a kidder. (She pats Ares on the arm, laughing, while the camera pans down to show her kicking him in the leg.) As if we'd name our firstborn after such a brutal, violent god.

ERIKA (with a fake friendly laugh):
     Of course not.

Ares looks irritated; Gabrielle nudges him and he pretends to laugh.

ERIKA:
     So how long have you been together?

GABRIELLE:           ARES:
     Three years.           Seven years.

They both look at each other. Erika looks at them, puzzled.

GABRIELLE (slightly at a loss):
     Well, you see, we've been married for three years, but, uh...

ARES (lowers his voice to a conspiratorial near-whisper and leans toward Erika):
     ...but it feels more like seven.

Gabrielle glares daggers at him. Erika looks scandalized for a moment.

ERIKA (dubiously):
     Well, as long as you're married... (glances at Gabrielle's stomach) You are married, right? (off Gabrielle's indignant look, she gives another fake laugh) How silly of me. Of course you are. I can tell you're just perfect for each other.

Gabrielle looks like she's about to be sick while Ares playfully puts his arm around her.

ARES:
     I know. She tells me every day she just can't believe how lucky she was to find a man like me. (to Gabrielle, squeezing her shoulder) Don't you, baby?

Gabrielle manages a forced smile. The camera pans over to show her digging her nails into Ares' back. He winces visibly.

ERIKA (frowns):
     Something wrong?

ARES (in a stifled voice):
     No, no--just--a cramp.

GABRIELLE (grits her teeth):
     You're right, honey. I'm incredibly lucky to have found a man like him. Uh, like you.

ERIKA:
     Adorable. (pauses, then huffs and shakes her head at her own chattiness) Well, look at me, taking up your valuable time. What is the purpose of your visit, please?

GABRIELLE (puts on a sad expression):
     We would like to check in a family member.

ERIKA:
     Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that. And who is this family member?

ARES:
     That would be my wife. (laughs)

Erika gives him a shocked look. Gabrielle forces another merry laugh.

GABRIELLE:
     Don't mind my husband--ha-ha--I'm used to his sense of humor. (she slaps Ares jovially on the shoulder while the camera pans down to show her kick him in the ankle.) I'm afraid it's my sister.

ERIKA:
     What's wrong with her?

GABRIELLE:
     Well, I was told that your asylum specializes in the cases of people who think they're someone else.

ERIKA:
     That's right.

GABRIELLE:
     You see, my sister, she thinks she--

XENA (off-camera):
     YIYIYIYIYIYIYIYIYIYI--YA!

Xena appears on the scene, doing cartwheels along the garden path. She lands on her feet. Her hair is a mess, and she is wearing what looks like a cheap Xena Halloween costume.

She lunges toward Erika and tips over the table. Erika jumps to her feet.

XENA (pointing at Erika):
     Are you Callisto?

Her personality seems to be a cross between Meg and insane Xena in The Furies.

ERIKA (frightened but trying to maintain her dignity):
     No, I'm not. My name is Erika. And you are?

XENA (whispering):
     The name's Xena. Some call me the Warrior Princess. (yells) YIYIYIYIYIYIYI - YAAAH!

Xena begins to do cartwheels.

ERIKA (to Gabrielle and Ares):
     I think you brought her to the right place.

Xena lets out another horrendous war cry as we:

FADE OUT

END OF ACT TWO