FADE IN

Morning. Forest clearing.

Xena, Gabrielle, and Ares are sitting next to a dying fire. A frying pan is lying next to Gabrielle, as the three of them finish off what appears to be scrambled eggs. Gabrielle is wearing a new outfit. It looks similar to Xena's pregnancy outfit from Season 5, except that it is brown with red accents along the sleeves and on the decorative pleats of the skirt. The roundness of her belly is very evident now.

GABRIELLE:
     So I--uh, she--ended up an Amazon Princess? (off Xena's nod in ascent) That's so strange. How you can follow a totally different path and end up in the same place.

XENA (somewhat grimly):
     Well, it didn't work out that way for all of us.

GABRIELLE (puts a hand on her arm, gently):
     I'm sorry.

They all sit in silence for a brief moment.

GABRIELLE:
     Thanks for telling me. (Xena nods, Gabrielle looks at Xena for a moment) It's so good to have you back. (glances at Ares) Both of you.

XENA (smiling):
     It's good to be back.

GABRIELLE (rises):
     Well, we should probably start packing up if we want to make it to this baby shower on time.

Ares chuckles, then pulls out his invitation and looks at it.

ARES:
     Weird--it's not really like Sis to send a messenger. You'd think she'd pop in herself once she heard we were back.

GABRIELLE:
     She was around a lot while you were gone, helping me out. But then she had something else to worry about. (She sighs) Hephaestus--hasn't been well.

A close-up of Ares as he realizes what this means. He nods grimly.

GABRIELLE:
     I haven't heard from her in at least three weeks.

ARES:
     Poor sis. She took it pretty hard before when--

Xena darts him a quick guilty look; Ares break off and clears his throat.

ARES (gets up, with forced joviality):
     So. I guess we need to get moving.

GABRIELLE (sighs and nods):
     It's too bad Darion isn't here. (smiles) A baby shower. It would have been so much fun for him.

XENA (cheerfully):
     Well, I bet he's having a lot of fun with the Amazons for his sister's birthday. (She rises) Come on. I'll take care of the dishes and the water skins.

CUT TO

A riverbank. Xena is at the water's edge, scrubbing the dishes from breakfast. The camera zooms in on her as she scrubs absent-mindedly, lost in thought. Then she pauses, her expression changing.

After a short pause Xena whips around, her arm shooting out.

The camera pulls back to show her holding the frying pan at Ares' neck while Ares looks at her nonchalantly, in an obvious visual homage to the scene in Chakram after she joined the two chakrams.

XENA (grinning):
     Sneaking up on me?

ARES:
     You can still do that when I'm mortal, huh?

XENA:
     Me and my many skills. (lowers the frying pan a little) Don't tell me you came to help with the dishes.

ARES (mock glare):
     The God of War does not do dishes.

Xena shakes her head, amused and a bit exasperated, as she lowers the frying pan.

XENA:
     Riiiight. (after a brief pause, she nods toward the water skins) Well, then maybe the God of War can fill up those water skins while the Warrior Princess does the dishes.

ARES (uncomfortably):
     Actually, I, uh--I wanted to talk to you--

XENA (her expression inscrutable):
     Yes?

ARES (fidgets a little):
     We haven't really had a chance to talk much since we came back and... (there's a short, uncomfortable silence) Are we okay?

XENA:
     Why not?

ARES (looking at the ground):
     Xena... (looking up at her) Look, I've waited all this time for a chance to be with you, and now that we're together-- (pauses) I--I mean...I know I messed up, but--the point is--

Xena is about to say something when Gabrielle's voice is heard off-camera.

GABRIELLE (off-camera):
     There you are!

The camera pans around to show Gabrielle.

GABRIELLE:
     Need any help with those dishes? (smiles brightly) I'm all packed up and ready to go.

Pan back to Ares, who rolls his eyes.

ARES (mutters under his breath):
     Great timing, as always.

DISSOLVE TO

Long shot of a temple on top of a small hill. Xena, Gabrielle and Ares are seen coming up the hill, Xena and Gabrielle riding, Ares walking by their side.

Close-up of Xena, Gabrielle, and Ares standing outside the temple looking at the big wooden doors, which are closed.

GABRIELLE:
     Are you sure this is it?

XENA:
     It's the only temple of Aphrodite in this town.

ARES:
     Well, once I've caught up with Sis, I'll be heading back into town if you don't mind. I mean, if word gets around that the God of War attended a baby shower...

GABRIELLE (smirks a little):
     Former God of War.

Ares scowls at her with a displeased "hmph."

Xena picks up a brass knocker hanging by the door and knocks.

Suddenly the doors are thrown wide open; two teenage girls in light pink robes stand in the doorway.

GIRL #1 (in a rather irritating baby voice):
     Welcome to the Temple of Aphrodite.

GIRL #2 (in a similar voice):
     Please, come in. The Love Goddess awaits!

Xena rolls her eyes, glancing at Gabrielle; Gabrielle nudges her slightly and smiles, while Ares' scowl deepens. Xena, Gabrielle and Ares enter the temple, the camera following them inside.

GIRL #1:
     Please have a seat.

She motions toward a large, heart-shaped pink sofa in the center of the temple.

GIRL #2:
     The Goddess will be with you shortly.

The girls leave as Xena, Gabrielle, and Ares take a seat on the pink sofa. The camera pans around to show the temple draped in pink, decorated with statues and vases--a typical temple of Aphrodite.

XENA:
     Since when does Aphrodite have greeters at her temple?

ARES:
     I know. Not really her style, is it?

APHRODITE (off-camera):
     As if you'd know anything about style, bro!

The camera pulls around to show Aphrodite standing behind them, leaning against a statue. She is dressed differently than her usual outfit, in a white dress, with a decorative flower top. Xena, Gabrielle and Ares turn toward her.

APHRODITE (beams at them, spreading her arms and giggling):
     Well, there you are!

They get up from the couch, as Aphrodite giggles with excitement and charges Ares--embracing him in a hug. Ares seems a little taken back.

APHRODITE:
     Aw, I've missed you, bro. Olympus is a bore without you.

Ares pats her back rather awkwardly. Aphrodite breaks the hug, then turns to Xena, embracing her in a hug as well.

APHRODITE (grins):
     It's good to see you again too, Warrior Babe. You had us all worried sick, you know!

XENA:
     It's good to see you too, Aphrodite.

Aphrodite turns to Gabrielle.

APHRODITE (indicates her stomach and squeals):
     Whoa! You get bigger by the second!

GABRIELLE (blushes):
     Um...thanks.

APHRODITE (sincerely):
     Sorry I haven't popped in lately. Things have just been so--crazy. (She pauses a moment, thinking about something else, then snaps out of it and turns to Xena and Ares) But once Athena told me that you two were back, I just knew I had to throw the biggest baby shower of the century!

Xena scans the empty temple, looking a little confused.

XENA:
     So, huh...where are all the other guests?

APHRODITE (sighs, disappointed):
     I hate to break this to you, but--well, I've had a bit of a glitch with my messenger service, so--you guys are the only ones I could get hold of.

Ares frowns, puzzled.

GABRIELLE (pats her on the arm, smiling):
     Don't worry, it's the thought that counts. Besides, I like it this way. Just the four of us, all cozy and intimate.

APHRODITE (brightens):
     Well, what are we doing just standing around? We've got a lot of catching up to do! Sit down, sit down!

She sits down on the sofa, pulling Ares down with her. Xena and Gabrielle sit down as well.

ARES (a little uneasily):
     So how are things on Olympus?

APHRODITE:
     Well, Artemis is still on her crazy power trip. She's left Olympus and now she's making a huge pitch to mortals, like she's the One Goddess.

GABRIELLE (concerned):
     Aphrodite...how's Hephaestus?

Aphrodite hesitates, visibly saddened; then she perks up, quickly changing the subject.

APHRODITE:
     Oh, look! The drinks!

Xena, Gabrielle and Ares exchange concerned looks.

One of the girls in pink approaches, carrying a tray with four drinks on it.

APHRODITE:
     Thank you. Just set those down here.

GIRL #1 (curtsies):
     Yes, my goddess.

She sets the tray down on a table and walks away. Aphrodite grabs two of the drinks and hands them to Xena and Ares.

APHRODITE:
     That's two Bloody Bacchae for you guys...a Hestian Virgin for the pregnant one... (she hands Gabrielle her drink) non-alcoholic, of course...and a Screaming Barbarian for me. (She picks up her own glass) Cheers!

They clink glasses. Then, Aphrodite starts to gulp down her drink a little too quickly.

ARES (worried):
     Sis--everything all right?

APHRODITE (cutting him off):
     Your present! Gabby, I still haven't given you your present.

GABRIELLE:
     Oh Aphrodite, I...

APHRODITE (claps her hands):
     Girls! Come on, can a love goddess get some help around here? (pouts) I'll be right back.

She quickly gets up and walks toward the back of the temple.

XENA (quietly):
     Look, I think it's best not to bring up Hephaestus. It obviously upsets her.

GABRIELLE (distressed):
     You don't think he's--gone, do you?

ARES:
     Don't know, but there's something else going on. (snaps his fingers) I just can't put my finger on it.

Aphrodite comes back with a present wrapped in pink sparkly paper and bows. She hands it to Gabrielle.

GABRIELLE:
     You shouldn't have.

APHRODITE (smiling):
     Just open it.

Gabrielle unwraps the gift, which ends up being a brown leather bag.

APHRODITE (excited):
     It's a diaper bag! (as Gabrielle opens the bag) Well, that and much more, sweet pea. See you keep the diapers in there, the bottles in that compartment, and in there you can keep...

GABRIELLE (shocked):
     My scrolls!

Gabrielle opens a compartment that contains a couple of scrolls.

APHRODITE (giggles):
     Yeah, I dug up a couple classics. The one about how I enchanted your scroll. That was a trip, wasn't it? (laughs) You can fit in some of the baby's toys in here, too...and it's even got a holder for your sharp pointy things!

Gabrielle flips the bag over to see slots for her sais.

APHRODITE:
     And to top it all off...

GABRIELLE:
     There's more?

APHRODITE:
     D'uh! It totally matches your new outfit!

GABRIELLE (sincerely):
     Aphrodite...this is amazing. Thank you so much.

She hugs Aphrodite.

APHRODITE:
     Anything to have my favorite bard be the coolest, kick ass mom in Greece.

XENA (smiling):
     You've really outdone yourself, Aphrodite.

There is a knock at the door. Everyone turns to look ("whoosh" sound effect).

XENA:
     Well, what do you know. Looks like someone else made it.

APHRODITE (giggles):
     That must be the surprise!

Xena and Gabrielle look at her warily.

GABRIELLE:
     The--surprise.

APHRODITE (to Ares):
     Bro, you might want to close your eyes for this one.

Ares stares at her, puzzled.

There is a second knock, even louder than the first and clearly impatient.

APHRODITE:
     Come on!

She pulls Xena toward the doors as the two attendants throw them open. Ares follows.

XENA:
     What's this?

The girls open the door. Two stern-looking, tall, muscular men are standing outside, wearing uniforms with a star badge engraved with Greek letters attached to their brown leather vests.

XENA (frowns):
     They look like officers from the town guard. (looks at Aphrodite) What is going on here?

APHRODITE (whispers, eyes wide):
     No, no...those must be the strippers!

XENA and ARES (in a shocked half-whisper):
     Strippers?

APHRODITE:
     Yeah. (looks the men over critically as they come in) Not as cute as I was hoping, but--

XENA (loud, angry whisper):
     You invited strippers to Gabrielle's baby shower?

APHRODITE:
     Come on, Warrior Babe. She's a pregnant woman with raging hormones. It's perfectly normal for her to enjoy this.

GABRIELLE (behind them):
     What's going on?

XENA (without turning her head):
     Don't ask.

ARES (whispers to Xena):
     You know the good thing about being a god? I could have just (clicks his fingers) zapped myself out of here. Now what do I do?

XENA (whispers back):
     She's your sister.

The camera pulls back on Aphrodite as she sashays toward the two men, seductively sipping her drink.

APHRODITE (sipping her drink,):
     Sorry, officers, were we being too loud?

OFFICER #1:
     Ma'am, you are under arrest.

APHRODITE (whispering):
     No, not me. The party is for the pregnant girl.

She points toward Gabrielle, who approaches, looking puzzled.

Officer #2 pulls out handcuffs and puts them around Aphrodite's wrists.

APHRODITE (shouting):
     Whoa--hold on. I'm not into this kinda stuff. I thought you were just gonna take your clothes off.

OFFICER #2:
     You're coming with us.

The two girls look terrified.

GIRL #2:
     My goddess...?

APHRODITE (whimpers, struggling with the handcuffs):
     This is some kind of mistake! Let me go!

Xena draws her sword and points it at the men.

XENA (forcefully):
     You heard her. Let her go!

ARES (disgusted):
     What kind of strippers are you?

GABRIELLE (shocked):
     Did you say "strippers"?

OFFICER #1 (sarcastically):
     Sorry to disappoint you, mister, but we aren't strippers. (to Xena) Now please, lower your weapon. We are officers of the law (flashing his badge) and your friend here is under arrest.

Xena slowly lowers her sword.

GABRIELLE:
     For what?

OFFICER #2:
     Illegal occupancy of a temple. She's been living here for two weeks, and hasn't budged even after she was asked to leave. She claims to be the Goddess of Love.

APHRODITE (shouting):
     That's because I am!

OFFICER #1 (chuckles):
     Oh, really. Well, surely the Goddess of Love can free herself from a pair of handcuffs.

Aphrodite stands motionless, as Xena, Gabrielle, and Ares stare at her.

ARES (softly):
     You're mortal.

Aphrodite slowly nods, whimpering.

OFFICER #2:
     She's also under arrest.

The camera zooms in on Aphrodite's fearful expression as we:

FADE OUT

END OF ACT ONE