FADE IN

Jail cell. Ares is sitting down on a small wooden bench while Gabrielle is pacing back and forth.

ARES (irritated):
     Oh, this is great.

GABRIELLE:
     There's got to be some way out of this.

ARES:
     There was some way out of this--fighting off those four goons. I could have taken all of them by myself.

GABRIELLE (trying to reason):
     Ares, they had crossbows.

ARES:
     This is coming from someone who's dodged fireballs.

GABRIELLE (softly):
     Ares, I'm not just putting my own life at risk anymore. (She pats her belly)

Ares responds with a grumpy "hmph" but looks a little sheepish.

GABRIELLE (gasps):
     Oh!

ARES:
     What, what? You know how to get us out?

GABRIELLE (shakes her head):
     No, no, the baby--it's moving...

She smiles, feeling her stomach, then comes up to Ares.

GABRIELLE (motions toward her belly):
     Here, you want to--

ARES (backs away):
     Hey, hey--I think you got the wrong guy.

Gabrielle purses her lips and looks away. There is a short, awkward silence.

ARES:
     Speaking of which, where is the boyfriend?

Gabrielle glares at him.

GABRIELLE:
     Are you making fun of me?

ARES (raises his hands defensively):
     Hey, I'm just asking a question.

Gabrielle's look softens as she realizes that Ares doesn't know about what happened.

ARES (continues):
     What? Don't tell me he got himself killed or ran off with another girl. He's much too boring for that.

GABRIELLE (vehemently):
     Well, since you take such an interest in my life--Haimon has gone away to join the Roman army. Happy now? (in a softer voice) He doesn't even know I'm-- (she gestures toward her stomach and looks away)

Ares fidgets a little, looking uncomfortable and embarrassed.

ARES (clears his throat):
     So...do we find a way to get out of here, or wait for Xena to bail us out?

GABRIELLE (looks up resolutely):
     Find a way.

CUT TO

Aphrodite is slumped in the corner of her cell. The door opens and she sits up, alert, only to see that it's the healer from Act 3. She looks disappointed.

HEALER:
     Well, now. I understand you tried to escape. (She sits down on the stool.) And then you banged on the door of your room and demanded to be let out. This won't do you any good, you know.

APHRODITE (sullen):
     Leave me alone.

HEALER:
     Why don't you let us help you? All we want is for you to remember who you really are. How did you get to this point in your life?

Aphrodite sighs, reflecting.

Aphrodite remains in her cell, reflecting.

ATHENA (off-camera):
     What made you go through with it?

Aphrodite sighs and hangs her head.

CUT TO

Ares is pacing back and forth in the jail cell.

ARES (to himself):
     Okay, so we call the guards in and--

GABRIELLE (off-camera):
     Ares...

ARES (to Gabrielle):
     No, I think I got it.

GABRIELLE (off-camera):
     No, Ares...

ARES (to himself):
     If they get close enough--

GABRIELLE (shouting, off-camera):
     Ares!

ARES (irritated):
     What is it?

The camera pulls around to show Gabrielle sitting on the ground. She's panting and holding on to her stomach.

GABRIELLE:
     The baby!

Ares looks extremely nervous.

ARES:
     Uh--what about it?

GABRIELLE (starting to breath heavily):
     It's coming. Right now! (she clutches at her stomach again and gives a stifled groan)

Panicked, Ares rushes toward the bars of the cell, grabs them and starts shouting.

ARES (screaming):
     Hey! She's having a baby in here! (yelling as loud as he can) Help!

Pan over to Gabrielle as she grits her teeth and groans, leaning back until she's lying on her back.

Two guards come running.

GUARD #1:
     What's the commotion?

ARES:
     She's in labor! Go get some help!

GUARD #1 (to Guard #2):
     Wanna go fetch the midwife?

GABRIELLE (on her back, clutching at her stomach and convulsing):
     Noooo, there isn't time! (Screams) It's coming right now!

The second guard quickly unlocks the jail cell and comes in.

GUARD #2:
     All right, all right... I'll just have to handle this myself.

GUARD #1 (disgusted):
     Are you kidding me?

GUARD #2:
     Hey, I've done this before. There's nothin' to it.

The guards make their way towards Gabrielle as Ares hangs back, nervous.

GUARD #2 (to Gabrielle):
     Don't worry, ma'am, everything's under control--just breathe and--

Suddenly, Gabrielle sits up and jabs her fingers into Guard #2's neck; he starts gasping for air, clutching at his throat.

GUARD #1 (shocked):
     Hey, you're not--

A hand taps him on the shoulder. He turns around to see Ares' fist coming at him (in close-up) and collapses on the floor.

GUARD #2 (slumps down on his knees, gasping and wheezing):
     What--what did you do to me--

ARES (nonchalant):
     Let me explain. This is called the pinch. It cuts off the flow of blood to your brain, causing you to die a very unpleasant death in about -- (starts to tick off the seconds by tapping a finger on his wrist) one, two, three--

Guard #2 looks terrified.

GABRIELLE (to Guard #2, undoing the pinch):
     Sorry about this.

Before he can recover, she takes off his belt, ties his hands with it, and takes his keys. She gets up, dusts herself off and then turns to an amazed Ares.

ARES:
     So that whole thing was--

GABRIELLE (nods):
     Yup.

ARES (sarcastic):
     Oh! Oh, well thanks for letting me in on your brilliant plan.

They walk toward the door of the cell, continuing to bicker.

GABRIELLE (chuckles as she comes out of the cell):
     I needed a real reaction out of you. (teasing) Besides, if you couldn't figure out I'm not due for a few more months, that's your problem.

ARES (follows her, still grumpy):
     Hah! Pardon me for not thinking very clearly while I'm stuck in a jail cell with a woman who's screaming her head off-- (mimics Gabrielle in a falsetto) "the baby! The baby's coming!"

GABRIELLE (locks the cell door behind her):
     It worked, didn't it?

ARES (slightly less grumpy):
     Yeah, well, I gotta hand it to you--you were pretty good.

GABRIELLE (smirks):
     From now on, we are doing things my way.

CUT TO

Close-up shot of Xena as her eyes begin to open. She looks around, dazed and confused to find herself lying on the floor, her hands chained behind her back, in a cell similar to Aphrodite's.

XENA (to herself):
     This isn't good.

With a grunt, she manages to sit up. The door opens and a middle-aged, benign-looking bearded man in a healer's robe walks in.

HEALER #2:
     So. Looks like we're awake.

Xena manages to scramble to her feet and launches herself forward, head-butting the healer.

HEALER (yells):
     Heeelp!

Xena kicks out his legs from under him and he falls.

XENA (glances at the middle-aged man a little sheepishly):
     Uh--sorry, Pops. Nothing personal.

A guard rushes in. It's the same guard Xena put the pinch on before. Seeing Xena, he backs away, scared.

GUARD:
     Oh no...not you!

XENA (with an evil grin):
     Oh yes. Me.

She charges forward and head-butts the guard, then kicks him down, thinks a moment and jabs the toe of her bare foot into his neck, putting the pinch on him.

GUARD (almost crying):
     Not that again!

XENA:
     Ya got exactly thirty seconds to unchain me, so hurry up.

Wheezing, the guard scrambles to his feet and undoes the chain. Xena grabs his keys, takes the pinch off him and runs out of the cell, locking it behind her.

CUT TO

Aphrodite's cell. Aphrodite sits on the mat by the wall, crying. The sound of the key turning in the lock is heard; Aphrodite looks up as the door starts to open.

APHRODITE (shouts):
     Leave me alone!

The door opens; Xena stands in the doorway.

XENA:
     Well, if you insist--

Aphrodite's face lights up with joy.

APHRODITE:
     Xena! Thank the-- (stumbles) oh, whoever.

XENA (grins):
     Let's just do this again, shall we?

CUT TO

Xena is running down the stairs while Aphrodite is behind her, trying to keep up. She is out of breath.

XENA (turns):
     Aphrodite, come on!

APHRODITE (pants):
     I never had to run as a goddess!

XENA:
     Just another joy of being mortal.

A loud horn is heard, sounding an alarm.

XENA (grabs Aphrodite's hand):
     Come on, we're almost there!

CUT TO

Xena and Aphrodite run up to an exit. There are two guards at the door. Xena slams them into each other, then throws them in different directions so that each slams into the wall and slumps down.

Xena unbolts the door and pushes it open, then signals to Aphrodite. They run outside.

CUT TO

Xena and Aphrodite run through the garden toward the wall. A few feet away from the wall, Xena halts and holds out a hand to stop Aphrodite.

APHRODITE (panting):
     Now what?

XENA:
     Now, you'll just have to trust me. (points to a tree next to them) We're climbing up this tree.

APHRODITE (whines):
     We're climbing trees?

XENA:
     Come on.

Pan to a long shot of Xena and Aphrodite climbing up the tree, Aphrodite going first, Xena pushing her upward.

Medium close-up of Xena and Aphrodite as they walk along a thick branch, Aphrodite clearly nervous and Xena holding her hand. Xena stops.

APHRODITE:
      I still don't get it.

XENA:
     I'm going to get you over that wall. Grab my hands.

APHRODITE (squeals):
     Are you crazy?

XENA (looks back toward the asylum building):
     Funny you should ask. Don't worry, you'll be okay. There's a flower bed on the other side of the wall, it'll break your fall.

APHRODITE (whimpering):
     Xena!

XENA:
     We have no time to lose.

She grabs Aphrodite's hands and swings her around as the terrified ex-goddess squeals, then throws her. The camera follows Aphrodite as she flies through the air, flailing and screaming, and disappears over the wall. A soft thud is heard.

APHRODITE (off-camera):
     Ow!

Xena grins, then grabs onto a higher branch, swings back and forth a few times to gain momentum, and launches herself forward, somersaulting through the air and over the wall.

CUT TO

On the other side of the wall. Xena lands next to Aphrodite, who has just scrambled to her feet next to a flower bed that looks very much worse for the wear.

XENA:
     Come on, we've got to get out of here.

VOICE (off-camera):
     Hold it right there!

Pan to six asylum guard running toward them.

XENA:
     Aphrodite, run!

APHRODITE (confused):
     What?

XENA (shouting):
     Run! That way! (points) I'll catch up with you.

Aphrodite takes off running, with two of the guards chasing after her while Xena is left facing the other four. Two of them draw swords and charge her.

XENA:
     A-la-la-la-la-la-la -- SHEE-ya!

She launches herself in the air, flips and does a split kick that brings the two guards down. One of them drops his sword and Xena grabs it on landing, then points it at the third guard who advances toward her, his own sword drawn. Xena laughs wickedly and they start sparring.

Pan over to Ares and Gabrielle running toward Xena.

ARES:
     Okay, she's out, but where's Aphrodite?

GABRIELLE:
     Look!

She points to Aphrodite running away, two guards chasing her. They disappear around a corner.

CUT TO

A horse-drawn white covered wagon rolls out of the asylum gates; it is driven by a man in a gray cloak.

The camera pans over to the side of the wagon which has Greek lettering on it. Across the screen, the translation appears:

Cyrilla Asylum for Troubled Souls

Pan to Ares and Gabrielle looking at the wagon.

CUT TO

Xena is still sparring with the guard. Suddenly there is a swishing sound; Xena whips around to see a dart flying toward her (and toward the camera).

The camera pulls back to show Xena catching the dart, even as she blocks a sword thrust from the guard she's sparring with.

XENA (grins wickedly):
     Right back atch'a.

She throws the dart at the guard, hitting him just above the collar of his leather shirt. He staggers, then collapses. Advancing on the guard she's sparring with, Xena spins around with a yell and kicks the sword out of his hand. It flies up and she catches it. Close-up on Xena as she laughs.

CUT TO

Aphrodite is running down a near-empty street with the two guards close on her heels. A few passerbys give her curious looks. Exhausted, she pauses to take a breath. The two guards catch up to her and grab her.

APHRODITE:
     No! Let go of me!

GUARD #1:
     You're going back with us.

The horse-drawn wagon we saw before, with the driver in the gray cloak, pulls up next to them.

VOICE (off-camera):
     Get her in here!

The guards push a struggling Aphrodite into the wagon.

APHRODITE (screams):
     Nooooo! (yelling) Xena! Xena!

The guards slam the doors shut.

CUT TO

Gabrielle runs up to Xena.

GABRIELLE:
     Xena! Thank God you're okay.

XENA:
     Where's Aphrodite?

Gabrielle looks worried.

CUT TO

Aphrodite in the back of the wagon. She is crying and banging on the door.

APHRODITE:
     Let me out!

The wagon comes to an abrupt halt. Aphrodite cowers in the corner, terrified.

The back doors of the wagon open.

VOICE (off-camera):
     Ma'am, if you keep doing that, I'll just have to take you back to the loony bin.

Pan over to show Ares, draped in the gray cloak, grinning at Aphrodite.

APHRODITE (squeals with joy):
     Bro!

DISSOLVE TO

Fade in to the temple of Aphrodite where the baby shower took place in Act One, except now a statue of Artemis is sitting out front. A dozen or so people dressed in robes of green and gold are working on the temple in what appears to be "Extreme Home Makeover: Ancient Greek Edition."

The camera pans over to show Xena, Gabrielle, Ares, and Aphrodite standing on the other side watching.

APHRODITE (makes a face):
     Gross! That Artemis cult is spreading like a disease. (in disbelief) Four of my temples, in one week. (to Ares) Not to mention most of yours. And Apollo's.

ARES (grimly but with some understanding):
     I guess she's really into this survival thing.

APHRODITE (sighs):
     So now I'm mortal and homeless.

Xena looks at her thoughtfully, obviously pondering something.

APHRODITE (catching her look):
     What?

XENA:
     Just an idea.

DISSOLVE TO

An exterior shot of the farmhouse from Old Ares Had a Farm. Xena, dressed in her leather tunic but without armor and barefoot, is sweeping the porch. Ares, in his leather pants but without a vest, is examining the rickety boards and poles with a critical eye.

Aphrodite appears in the doorway. She is wearing a farm dress similar to Gabrielle's dress from OAHAF, only red instead of blue. She poses in the doorway, smiling.

APHRODITE:
     Well?

Xena and Ares turn to look at her.

XENA:
     Nice look.

ARES:
     It's...really you, sis.

Aphrodite chuckles and goes to sit down on the steps of the porch. Ares sits next to her.

APHRODITE (to Xena, who's gone back to her sweeping):
     So I'm guessing this is your dumping ground for all gods who turn mortal.

XENA (chuckles):
     Only the ones I like.

APHRODITE (to Ares, wistfully):
     Remember that contest we had to see who could stay in here longer without using any powers?

ARES (grins, remembering their adventure from Five in the Bed and the Little One Said...):
     I sure do.

APHRODITE (with a bitter chuckle):
     I could barely make it for a day. Now I'm supposed to live here.

Suddenly, she looks nervous.

ARES:
     Come on, Sis. It's not that bad. I did it.

XENA:
     It just needs a little fixing up.

VOICE (off-camera):
     Lucky thing you have the god of arts and crafts on your side.

Aphrodite gasps and looks up.

The camera pans to Hephaestus standing before the porch.

Close-up on Aphrodite, her face reflecting shock and incredulous joy.

APHRODITE:
     Heph?

HEPHAESTUS:
     Or should I say--former god of arts and crafts.

He smiles warmly. Aphrodite gets up; a slow-motion shot as Aphrodite rushes toward him and throws her arms around him.

HEPHAESTUS (softly):
     I've lost you before. I don't want to lose you again. I want us live to out the rest of our mortal lives together.

APHRODITE (moved):
     Oh, Heph--

HEPHAESTUS:
     I gave my powers to Athena. Once I realized what you did for me, I could do no less.

APHRODITE (sighs):
     That's what I was afraid of.

HEPHAESTUS:
     I won't lie to you. This mortal thing scares me to death, and I'm gonna need your help getting through it.

APHRODITE (smiling):
     And I'll need yours. (tearful) We can do it. Together.

HEPHAESTUS:
     You're not going to miss it? Being a god?

APHRODITE (makes a face):
     Nah. Godhood--it's so one hundred years ago.

They both laugh. He leans down and kisses her, gently touching her hair.

The camera pans over to Xena and Ares retiring unobtrusively from the scene, and follows them as they walk away from the house. In the background, Aphrodite and Hephaestus can be seen locked in a passionate embrace.

XENA:
     So. Looks like Aphrodite and Hephaestus are getting a happy ending after all.

In the background, we can see Hephaestus picking up Aphrodite in his arms and carrying her inside the house. Her arm is around his neck.

ARES (glances rather sheepishly at Xena):
     What about--us?

Xena looks at him silently. They stop in the shadow of a large oak tree and turn to face each other.

ARES:
     Xena--I know I did some--pretty bad things over the years, when I was trying to get you back. I promised myself that if we could ever be together, I would never hurt you in any way. (pauses, uneasily) Well--so much for that, huh.

Xena looks at him, her expression turning anguished and tender.

XENA (gently):
     Ares, I--

ARES (interrupts):
     Xena--she was not another woman. She was another you.

XENA (nods, pained):
     I know.

ARES:
     Except--she wasn't. And I hated her for that.

XENA (quietly):
     Don't tell me you felt nothing for her.

ARES:
     Whatever I felt--it was because I saw you in her.

XENA (a little bitter):
     And it didn't give you just a bit of a thrill to see that this other me achieved everything you once thought I would?

Ares looks at her thoughtfully and sighs.

ARES (quietly):
     Maybe at first. I saw what it did to her. (after a brief pause) Xena--she had the whole world in the palm of her hand. But there was one thing she never had.

XENA:
     What's that?

Ares comes closer to her, looking into her eyes. Then he leans forward and kisses her. After a few moments he breaks the kiss and draws back.

ARES:
     I love you, Xena.

Xena looks at him; her expression reflects some uncertainty, then melts into a warm smile. She clasps the back of his neck and draws him into a loving, passionate kiss.

CROSS-FADE TO

A medium shot of the same oak tree, some time later. Hephaestus is hammering at something; Aphrodite is coming toward him, carrying a pitcher in her hands.

APHRODITE:
     How's that swing coming?

Hephaestus looks up at her. We see that he's building what looks like a wooden swing.

HEPHAESTUS:
     Good. (He takes the pitcher from her hands and drinks, then smiles at her and wipes his mouth) Thanks. Should be ready to go up tomorrow. (points up to a branch) Then we can sit here together and enjoy the scenery.

They stand together, looking out.

APHRODITE:
     We've got to invite Cupie with the wife and kid. (sighs) It's gonna be majorly weird seeing him as a mortal. And without the wings (shakes her head) ...what a trip.

Hephaestus smiles and puts an arm around her shoulder. The camera pans out to show the view from where they are--a green field laced with wildflowers. From a distance, we see Darion flying a kite, Gabrielle running with him.

CUT TO

The kite flopping down on the ground.

DARION (off-camera):
     That was great!

The camera pulls back to show Gabrielle standing next to Darion, smiling. Xena and Ares (dressed as in the previous scene, she in her leather tunic and he without his vest) are sitting in the grass; his arm is around her shoulders.

A large, beautiful butterfly is weaving through the air. Darion follows it with his eyes.

DARION (gasps a little):
     Wow, look at that... It's amazing.

The butterfly weaves close to Xena, who reaches up and catches it in her palms, then stands up. Darion comes closer, fascinated. Xena opens her palms carefully; a close-up of the butterfly slowly flapping its wings.

The camera pulls back to show Xena, Gabrielle, and Darion looking at the butterfly.

GABRIELLE:
     Beautiful, isn't it? You know what it's called?

Darion shakes his head no.

GABRIELLE:
     The monarch butterfly.

Xena darts her a quick look.

DARION:
     You mean, like--it's the most important of all butterflies?

XENA (smiles):
     Nah, it just wants the other butterflies to think it is.

With a small flourish, she releases the butterfly and it flies up and away as Xena, Gabrielle and Darion watch.

DARION (to Gabrielle):
     Come on, let's fly the kite one more time. You hold the string and I'll run.

Gabrielle smiles and shakes her head. Darion runs off with the kite while she follows. Xena stands watching them; Ares gets to his feet, stands next to her and puts a hand on her shoulder. Xena turns to him and smiles.

XENA (in a low, almost sultry voice):
     Wanna go back to the house?

ARES (with a small grin):
     Sure.

They turn and start walking.

APHRODITE (off-camera):
     Hey!

The camera pans to Aphrodite walking toward them.

ARES:
     Hey, sis.

Aphrodite stops, waiting for them to catch up with her, then turns and starts walking next to them, holding Ares' arm.

APHRODITE (beaming):
     Guys? I'm here to help.

They look startled.

ARES (warily):
     Help with what?

APHRODITE:
     D'uh! I am the love goddess--okay, ex-love goddess, but I'm still the expert on the whole love thing. Sooo, I took a peek at Gabby's new scroll about what happened on your little trip--

Xena and Ares look utterly appalled.

ARES:
     Sis!

The camera pans around to show them from the back as they continue walking.

APHRODITE:
     And I'm guessing, you two could totally use some relationship counseling. Am I right, or am I--

The camera starts to zoom out, the voices beginning to fade.

XENA (interrupts, disgusted):
     Oh--no, no--

APHRODITE:
     So, who better than the--

From a distance (a long shot of the field, the yard and the farmhouse), we see Ares free his arm from Aphrodite's grasp as he and Xena speed up.

ARES:
     Cut it out, Sis!

APHRODITE (almost running as she tries to keep up with them):
     Come on! It's a cinch. You're having issues, and I--

Their voices can now be heard very faintly.

XENA (sarcastic):
     I can handle my own issues, thank you very much.

APHRODITE:
     Oh--you are so in denial, Warrior Babe!

XENA:
     Am not!

APHRODITE:
     Listen--

Xena and Ares continue walking toward the house, with Aphrodite in pursuit, as we:

FADE OUT

THE END

[Out of concern for Aphrodite's fragile emotional state, only one Hephaestus actor was used in the production of this motion picture.]

Xena: Warrior Princess Shipper Seasons Season 9 Episode 19 A Crazy Little Thing Called Love Story By: Ryan Written By: Ryan Edited By: LadyKate Collage By: Aurora Images Gathered By: Aurora Cast Xena Lucy Lawless Gabrielle Renee O'Connor Ares Kevin Smith Darion Alexander Gandar Aphrodite Alexandra Tydings Hephaestus Julius Garner Zeus Charles Keating Athena Paris Jefferson Hades Stephen Lovatt Hera Meg Foster Poseidon Charles Siebert Caprinus Jason Gabbert Caligula Alexis Arquette Erika Beth Haus Original Airdate June 20, 2007 Out of concern for Aphrodite's fragile emotional state, only one Hephaestus actor was used in the production of this motion picture. DEDICATED TO KEVIN SMITH All characters and storylines that have appeared in the syndicated series Xena: Warrior Princess are a copyright and trademark of Universal and Renaissance Pictures. No infringement was intended during the writing of this script. All original characters and storylines are a copyright of the respective authors and of the Shipper Seasons. No script may be reproduced on a website elsewhere without the author's consent. © Shipper Seasons www.shipperseasons.com

This script is provided by GDev Resources.