FADE IN

On the same scene: Xena, Ares, Gabrielle, Haimon, Sabina and Siran on the riverbank. The sun has set and it's starting to turn dark. Sabina chuckles and goes back to making the fire.

ARES:
     I think I've had enough. (takes the orb out of his pocket, thinks a moment and hands it to Gabrielle) There. A goody-two-shoes like you should be able to get through the day carrying this thing around.

The bell rings. "Reset": the orb is back in Ares' pocket. He looks at his empty hand, then scowls at Gabrielle.

XENA (amused):
     I'm afraid you'll have to do better than that.

Ares forcefully jabs a finger in the air and looks like he's about to utter a string of curses; then, composing himself, he turns to Gabrielle and takes the orb out of his pocket again.

ARES:
     Gabrielle--you're-- (though clenched teeth) a nice person. So--I think the sensible thing to do would be for you to take the orb.

Off-camera, a clapping sound is heard. Ares and Xena whip around to see Sabina clapping sarcastically. The fire she has just lit flares up, lighting her face.

SABINA:
     Bravo, Xena. (stops clapping) Always remember to spay and neuter your Gods of War. I knew you'd do it someday.

ARES (about to explode):
     Why, you--

SABINA (holds her finger to her lips):
     Tsk-tsk-tsk. We don't want any more bells ringing, do we?

With a supreme effort, Ares composes himself and turns to Gabrielle.

ARES:
     All right. Just take the d-- (catches himself) the orb. (He hands the orb to Gabrielle and thinks for a moment, then grins a little) Please.

Hesitantly, Gabrielle takes the orb.

The bell rings. "Reset": Ares is holding the orb again.

SABINA (laughs):
     Well, what do you know. It's not the magic word after all.

With a frustrated roar, Ares flings the orb down on the ground. Siran leaps to her feet, alarmed. Sabina smirks and puts a calming hand on her arm.

XENA (slightly amused but sympathetic):
     Come on, Ares, you know--

Bell rings. "Reset." Ares is holding the orb again. He stares at it silently, then gives Xena a pained look. Xena gives his shoulder a sympathetic squeeze.

XENA:
     Believe me, Ares, I know exactly how you feel. (sighs)

ARES (indignant):
     Oh, do you. I seem to remember someone telling me I'd be safe from this because I'm a god.

XENA:
     I said maybe.

Pan to Sabina, who is stirring the fire with a stick.

SABINA:
     Well. Now it's tested on gods.

Pan back to Ares, who scowls and clenches his jaw angrily.

ARES:
     Oh yeah? Test this!

He throws the orb up in the air and zaps it with a blue bolt of energy, shattering it.

SIRAN:
     No!

Everyone stands around waiting for the inevitable bell.

As the seconds pass, close-up on Ares tapping his fingers on the hilt of his sword.

Pan to Siran. She turns pale, a look of pure horror on her face.

SIRAN (whispers):
     What have you--

The bell rings, loudly and angrily. "Reset."

SABINA:
     Well. Now, it's tested on gods.

Siran clasps her hands to her mouth, almost sobbing with relief.

Ares looks dejectedly at the orb in his palm, then sighs, admitting defeat, and slips it back into his pocket.

SABINA:
     Oops.

ARES (turns to her):
     One more word out of you, and I--

SABINA (walks toward him with a mocking smile):
     You'll do what? Zap me? (laughs) We both know the orb will just undo it and I'll be right as rain.

XENA (gives Ares a sympathetic look, then turns to Sabina):
     Give it a rest, Sabina.

SABINA:
     What a waste of a perfectly good fire--

Before she can finish, a blue fire bolt hits her in the chest and she falls to the ground.

Pan back to Ares, blowing on his fingers as if on the barrel of a smoking gun, grinning with satisfaction.

Siran whimpers in horror. Pan to Gabrielle and Haimon, who are in shock, and then to Xena just as a slow grin starts to spread across her face.

The bell rings. "Reset." Sabina is back standing on her feet. She pats herself down, checking that she's all right.

SABINA (not amused):
     That hurt!

ARES (grins):
     Good.

The bell rings. "Reset" to Sabina patting herself down.

SABINA:
     That hurt!

Ares opens his mouth; Xena quickly presses her finger to his lips, then turns to Sabina.

XENA:
     Good.

Sabina snorts and goes back to the fire. She and Siran can be seen in the background while the camera stays on Xena and Ares.

Xena turns to Ares and gives him a small smile, warm and mischievous.

SIRAN (in the background):
     Are you okay?

SABINA (curtly):
     Fine.

Ares smiles back at Xena as she lowers her hand.

GABRIELLE (reproachfully):
     Xena...

Xena glances back at Gabrielle and her smile fades quickly.

ARES (to Xena):
     Now...remind me again why I let you drag me into your oh-so-clever schemes?

XENA:
     Because I told you so.

ARES:
     Right. Thanks.

HAIMON (to Xena):
     You know, you could at least say thank you--

Xena glares at him and he trails off.

GABRIELLE (smiles cheerfully):
     Come on, Ares. So you're stuck like this until next sundown. Look, it could always be worse--

ARES (glares at her):
     Yeah--I could be traveling around with an annoying blond sidekick.

The bell rings. "Reset."

GABRIELLE (smiles cheerfully):
     Come on, Ares. So you're stuck like this until next sundown. Look, it could always be worse--

ARES:
     This thing is killing all my best lines!

The bell rings.

GABRIELLE:
     Come on, Ares--

ARES (takes a deep breath):
     Yeah, yeah. I know. It could always be worse.

XENA (pats him on the arm, smiling rather tensely):
     She's right, you know.

Gabrielle nods with a self-satisfied smile. Pan to Haimon, who is looking sympathetically at Ares.

ARES (shakes his head):
     Women. Can't live with them-- (trails off)

HAIMON (grins crookedly):
     --can't zap them with a fireball.

Ares turns and gapes at him in amazement. Pan to Gabrielle, who purses her lips in annoyance, and to Xena, who looks like she's not sure whether to grin or frown.

ARES (looks at Haimon almost warmly):
     You know, you're not as boring as I thought. (turns to Xena.) Well. Guess I'll just, uh--go back to the Halls of War and--count my blessings. See you tomorrow.

XENA (nods):
     See ya.

Ares vanishes in a burst of blue light. Xena looks at the spot where he vanished, her face inscrutable.

CUT TO

Morning. Sven and Ragnar trudging through the woods.

SVEN:
     I can't believe you just let that horse go.

RAGNAR (sheepishly):
     But it didn't belong to us--

SVEN:
     What kind of Viking are you? Whatever we conquer belongs to us!

RAGNAR (sighs):
     We didn't conquer it. We stole it.

SVEN (snarls):
     Argh--what's the difference! You say Val-kyrie, I say Wall-kyrie.

RAGNAR (gives him a dubious look):
     Can you say "Wall-kyrie"?

SVEN (irritated):
     Whatever!

They walk on in silence.

RAGNAR:
     ...and they could have found us if they followed the hoof prints.

SVEN (reluctantly):
     I suppose you've got a point there. (pauses) Wait a minute. We're supposed to find them. We were going to get that thing from them.

RAGNAR:
     So we find them. Then what?

SVEN (punches the air):
     We attack! And this time, we get it!

RAGNAR (sighs):
     But--they're taller than us.

Sven turns to him irritably and slaps him hard upside the helmet.

SVEN:
     We are Vikings!

CUT TO

A temple of Ares. A warlord is kneeling before the altar, a beautiful jewel-covered sword in his hands.

WARLORD:
     My lord Ares! Your humble servant requests your presence!

A few moments pass; nothing happens.

WARLORD:
     My lord?

There is a flare of blue light and Ares appears, sprawled in the throne. He slowly gets up and approaches the warlord.

ARES:
     Yes, Mellor?

WARLORD (bows his head reverently):
     My lord--as you commanded, my army is massed outside Argyron's stronghold, Baria. The men are ready to go to battle--for the glory of Ares.

ARES:
     Right.

WARLORD:
     I await only your final blessing--to launch the attack. (lays down the sword on the floor before the altar) Great Ares, God of War, accept this sacrifice as a token of our respect--and a token of your favor.

ARES:
     Launch the attack.

The bell rings.

"Reset": The warlord lays down the sword on the floor.

WARLORD:
     Great Ares, God of War, accept this sacrifice as a token of our respect--and a token of your favor.

Bewildered, the warlord glances around, then stares questioningly at Ares.

ARES (momentarily stumped):
     All right--you...you have my blessing.

The warlord nods, satisfied but slightly surprised.

The bell rings.

"Reset": The warlord lays down the sword on the floor.

WARLORD:
     Great Ares, God of War, accept this sacrifice as a token of our respect--and a token of your favor.

He looks up, even more bewildered.

Pan to an increasingly frustrated Ares.

ARES (irritated):
     Just--do whatever you need to do. (off the warlord's shocked look) What, can't you make a step without orders from me?

The warlord looks at him questioningly, then rises and nods slowly.

WARLORD:
     Yes, my lord. I'll go start the attack.

The bell rings. "Reset": The warlord lays down the sword on the floor.

WARLORD:
     Great Ares--

ARES (bellows):
     Get out of here!

CUT TO

A river, with a rickety boat bobbing by some reeds. The camera pulls back for a wide shot of the riverbank. Sven and Ragnar are walking along the bank.

RAGNAR (sheepishly):
     My feet are killing me.

SVEN:
     You're the one who let the horse go. (pauses and points at the boat) Hey, look!

Ragnar looks at the boat, then, dubiously, at Sven.

RAGNAR:
     We can't get to Britannia in this.

SVEN:
     No, but we can use it to get to the nearest town, sell the scroll, and make enough money to get us a real boat. (Off Ragnar's obvious hesitation) Come on.

RAGNAR:
     I don't think we should sell the scroll, Sven. I mean, it belongs to some sea god...what if it's bad luck?

XENA'S VOICE (off-camera):
     Oh, boys.

Pan to Xena and Gabrielle, who stands behind them. Xena taps her hand on her chakram. Sven and Ragnar turn around.

XENA:
     Your bad luck is right here.

Sabina and Haimon can be seen coming up behind them, with Siran hanging back.

SVEN (nervous but trying not to show it):
     Hah! You and I both know you can't kill me!

XENA:
     You are--so wrong about that.

There is a flash of blue light. Ares appears, looking very pissed off.

ARES:
     What have you done to me?

XENA (barely turning her head toward him):
     Can't you see I'm busy?

Close-up on Sven and Ragnar, who stare in consternation at the new arrival.

RAGNAR (whispers loudly):
     I think that's the sea god! Let's just give the scroll back and maybe he'll grant us his favor!

Pan to Xena.

XENA:
     So. The scroll. Are you going to give it up the easy way or the hard way? (Grins dangerously) Because trust me--after yesterday, I'm all for the hard way.

SVEN (starting to sweat):
     You're bluffing!

Sven takes a deep breath, then lets out his hoarse battle cry (the one that sounds like the roar of a sick sea lion) and charges at Xena. Taken by surprise, Xena stumbles and falls backwards, with Sven landing on top of her.

Looking furious, Xena leaps to her feet, shoving Sven so hard he staggers away.

ARES (frustrated):
     You know--I have got to kill something before the day is over. I don't care who or what--but I'm going to find a way.

The bell rings. "Reset".

Sven slams into Xena; she stumbles and falls backwards, with Sven landing on top of her.

Xena leaps to her feet, shoving Sven so hard he staggers away.

ARES:
     Just kill the little weasel.

The bell rings. "Reset".

Sven slams into Xena; she stumbles and falls backwards, with Sven landing on top of her.

This time, Xena "loses it": shoving Sven away, she screams, staying on her back, yelling incoherent curses as she pounds and kicks the ground in frustration (reminiscent of her frustrated yell in Been There Done That).

Gabrielle and Ares rush toward her at the same time.

ARES (bends over her):
     Xena--

XENA (still having a fit):
     Get away from me, you-- (screams incoherently) This is all your fault!

Pan to Sabina and Siran. Sabina is smirking while Siran looks concerned.

SABINA:
     Hmm--this mission is turning out to be more fun than I thought.

Pan to Haimon, who suddenly points ahead.

HAIMON:
     Hey--they're getting away!

Pan to Sven and Ragnar, who are scrambling into the small boat.

Haimon and Sabina rush toward the riverbank, but Sven and Ragnar are already paddling away with surprising agility.

SVEN (yells triumphantly):
     Sven the Invincible sails again!

In a moment they disappear around the riverbend. Sabina and Haimon stop and look after them, then turn to the others. Xena, now over her fit, is scrambling to her feet.

GABRIELLE:
     I can't believe we let them get away--again. (sighs) Look, all we have to do is catch up with two not very smart guys and get one scroll back from them. That's not so tough, is it?

XENA (to Ares):
     This is all your fault.

ARES (sighs):
     Want me to follow them and--do something about it?

Xena stares at him thoughtfully.

DISSOLVE TO

An imaginary scene in Xena's mind's eye:

A field. Ares stares down the two Vikings who cower in fear. Ares throws a fireball at them, killing them on the spot.

A bell rings.

Sven and Ragnar stand before Ares, alive again.

DISSOLVE TO

Xena facing Ares.

XENA (shakes her head with resignation):
     No.

DISSOLVE TO

The setting sun.

Pan down to another part of the riverbank. The camera pans over Xena, Gabrielle, Haimon, Sabina and Siran, who are sitting on the grass finishing a snack of some kind. Having made a full circle, the camera pauses on Ares. He is sitting on the ground leaning against the trunk of a tree, looking tired and defeated.

Xena finishes eating, gets up and walks toward Ares, squatting down next to him.

XENA:
     Rough day, huh? It's almost over.

ARES:
     You owe me for this one, Xena.

XENA (indignant):
     I owe you! I wanted you to get the orb out of the way so I could do my job. Instead, you show up at the worst possible moment and--

ARES:
     Oh, shut up and kiss me.

They both look up, obviously expecting the bell to ring. It doesn't.

Ares grins, then reaches out to put his arm around Xena's shoulder. Xena tenses slightly, then smiles and leans in toward him. They melt into a long kiss, then finally break apart.

XENA:
     Well, it's time. (off his mischievous look) I mean, time to pass the orb over to the next lucky contestant.

ARES:
     With pleasure.

He gets up and holds up the orb. Gabrielle looks up at him.

GABRIELLE:
     All right.

She starts to get up, but Haimon rises abruptly and walks toward Ares.

HAIMON:
     I'll take it.

Before Gabrielle can react, Haimon takes the orb from Ares.

GABRIELLE:
     What are you doing? I thought we agreed that I was going to take the orb next.

HAIMON:
     "We"? You mean, you and Xena. I don't recall anyone asking me.

Gabrielle opens her mouth, obviously about to make a sharp retort. She is cut off by Ares.

ARES:
     Well, it's about time you let her know who's boss.

GABRIELLE (growls):
     Watch it, Ares. Or--

Ares stands and is toe to toe with Gabrielle.

ARES:
     Or else what? I can say whatever I please. No more bells--I don't have anything to worry about.

Ares turns and grins smugly at Haimon, not seeing Gabrielle draw her fist back.

GABRIELLE:
     Yes, you do.

Ares turns back to Gabrielle and is caught on the jaw by her punch. He falls backward, landing hard on his back as we:

FADE OUT

END OF ACT TWO