FADE IN

Night. The camera pans around revealing a garden lit only by the moonlight. It's a luxurious garden, surrounded with stone walls and filled with flowers and statues.

Zoom in on a flowerbed as the flowers start to move, as if stirred by a breeze. Then a clump of flowers starts to rise and wobble, finally falling over with a "PLONK!" sound effect.

The ground starts to move and finally opens up; a head covered with a dark hood sticks out of the ground and turns, looking around carefully. Then a person (who seems to be a man), wearing a long, dark cloak, climbs out of the hole. His face is still hidden.

The man looks around and then walks forward, stopping in front of a statue that stands near a tall fountain. The camera pulls around to show the statue. It is painted, depicting a woman with long dark hair and blue eyes, wearing a beautiful dress and a gold necklace with jewels. The statue bears some resemblance to Xena, though not quite look-alike material.

The camera pulls back on the cloaked figure and the moon lights up his face as we recognize none other than Autolycus, the King of Thieves.

AUTOLYCUS (grinning):
     Bingo...

CUT TO

Morning. An abandoned building that looks like an old and decrepit temple.

DISSOLVE TO

Inside the building. Sunlight peeks in through the cracked boards covering the windows and shines across the room, revealing dust and debris. Two people, a man and a woman who seem to be in their twenties, are pacing around the temple expectantly. The man is fairly tall and well-built, with short dark hair and green eyes; the woman has similar features, only she's of shorter stature and with longer hair. The woman comes up to a window and looks out.

WOMAN (points at something):
     Lichas, look--there he is!

The man comes up to her. The camera pans down to show Autolycus coming up along the path to the temple, pulling behind him an object on a small cart that looks like a statue draped with a black cloak.

CUT TO

Autolycus enters the temple, pulling the cart behind him. He stops, grinning triumphantly.

AUTOLYCUS:
     Lichas--Cynthia! I present-- (with a flourish, he yanks the cloth off the statue)

Pan to Cynthia and Lichas. The hopeful look on their faces fades to disappointment.

LICHAS:
     --the wrong statue.

AUTOLYCUS (confused):
     What? (grimaces) What do you mean, the wrong statue? You said a statue of a woman in the palace garden, black hair, blue eyes, gold necklace--

CYNTHIA (looking it over):
     Well, it's still the wrong statue. The one we want is supposed to have a necklace with 12 sapphires in it. (Pan to Autolycus, who whistles appreciatively) And a tear rolling down her cheek.

AUTOLYCUS (mimics her):
     A tear rolling down her cheek. (in his normal voice) Lady, I've just about got a tear rolling down my cheek because I spent a whole night doing a job for people who can't even give me a proper description of the goods!

CYNTHIA (almost tearful):
     I'm sorry. I had no idea... (looks at Lichas) What are we going to do?

Autolycus gives a long sigh as he looks over the statue and then turns to his unsatisfied customers.

AUTOLYCUS (giving in):
     All right, all right. I'll go back tonight and get the other statue. I guess you can always keep this one as a lawn ornament, or maybe a towel rack...

LICHAS (shaking his head):
     No. You can take that back to the palace.

AUTOLYCUS (bursts out laughing):
     Back to the palace? Hahaha! Sorry, kid, that's the funniest thing I've heard in a long time.

CYNTHIA (angrily):
     What do you think we are, thieves?

AUTOLYCUS (offended):
     Hey--you say that like it's a bad thing!

LICHAS:
     You know we only want the statue that rightfully belongs to us. We can't take this one. You have to return it tonight when you go to get the other one. (pauses) That is, if you want your money.

AUTOLYCUS (mocking Lichas):
     That is, if you want your money. (sighs) All right, all right... I'll take it back. But you're lucky I'm not doubling the price. (muttering) Goody-two-shoes.

LICHAS:
     Then we'll meet you here tomorrow. Come on, Cynthia.

Lichas and Cynthia walk away, leaving Autolycus along with the statue. He makes a face and makes an exasperated gesture at the statue.

AUTOLYCUS (mimics Cynthia in a falsetto):
     What do you think we are, thieves?

CUT TO

A palace terrace overlooking a garden. Three richly dressed women are sitting at a table sipping tea and talking about something (we don't hear the conversation). One of them is seen from the back. She seems to be middle-aged, her graying dark hair gathered in a bun on the back of her head. She is wearing a long silk red dress decorated with golden lace.

The camera then pulls back as a guard enters the room; behind him are Xena and Gabrielle.

GUARD (clearing his throat):
     My Queen--

The woman turns. We see that it's Diana, looking much older but still quite beautiful.

GUARD (continues):
     --these two women say they are friends of yours. Xena--

Diana's face lights up with excitement and amazement.

QUEEN DIANA:
     --and Gabrielle! Oh, my! (to the women at the table) If you would excuse me, ladies...

She gets up from her chair and walks over to Xena and Gabrielle, who are coming in the entryway.

XENA:
     Diana. It's good to see you again.

QUEEN DIANA (overwhelmed):
     My goodness, it's so wonderful to see you both! Talk about a nice surprise!

Diana (well, a stunt double in a fake wig, really) embraces Xena in a hug, then turns to hug Gabrielle.

QUEEN DIANA (pulls back from the hug to look at the two women):
     I can't believe it--after all these years! And you must tell me, what is your secret?

Xena and Gabrielle exchange a confused look.

GABRIELLE:
     Secret?

QUEEN DIANA (laughs):
     Your beauty tips. Did you stumble upon a fountain of youth? It's been.... (she pauses, thinking) oh my--thirty years, and you've barely changed since I last saw you!

Pan to the two women still seated at the table behind her as they perk up and listen eagerly.

XENA:
     We slept in an ice cave for twenty-five years.

Pan to the two ladies as their faces fall in disappointment.

QUEEN DIANA (disappointed):
     Oh my...I was hoping for a skin cream. (her eyes drop to Xena's belt and widen in amazement) By the gods! I don't believe it!

XENA (looking herself over):
     What is it?

Queen Diana points to Xena's side--her chakram.

QUEEN DIANA:
     You got a new, a new... (pauses, searching for a word) ...round killing thing!

GABRIELLE (smirks):
     Chakram.

QUEEN DIANA (politely to Gabrielle):
     Bless you. (to Xena) You know, all these years, I have been dying to get my hands on one of those. It was so exciting, that time I got to throw it! (to Gabrielle) You remember, don't you? I took Papa's crown right off of him.

GABRIELLE (laughing):
     Oh, I remember all right.

QUEEN DIANA:
     Philemon doesn't believe me when I tell him. (excited, puts her hand on Xena's arm) Oh, we simply have to find Philemon--he will be absolutely thrilled when he finds out you're here!

CUT TO

The palace garden. King Philemon, now having a short gray beard and wearing a crown, is walking with Diana, Xena, and Gabrielle. If you were paying close attention in the teaser, you may recognize this as the same garden that Autolycus stole the statue from--only now it's seen in daylight.

KING PHILEMON:
     Well, it's amazing. We weren't even sure you were still alive. Why didn't you come see us sooner?

GABRIELLE (smiling):
     Oh--we've been busy.

KING PHILEMON:
     What brings you here? A mission?

XENA:
     No, a vacation.

GABRIELLE:
     At least I hope so. It seems every time we go somewhere just to relax, something happens--an attack by a warlord, an invading army--a monster on the loose--

QUEEN DIANA (chuckles):
     Oh, the gods bless you--we've been at peace for years now. It's been a while since we've had any trouble.

KING PHILEMON:
     Well, dear, I wouldn't go that far. Remember, just the other night someone stole your mother's statue from the palace garden.

QUEEN DIANA (angrily):
     Oh yes, I forgot about that. (She tries to sound tough but comes off as pouty) No-good dirty thieves! I am still trying to figure out how on earth they managed to steal it and get it out of the garden. I mean...it's not as if they could have gotten it over those walls! (points to the walls)

XENA (surprised):
     Why would anyone want to steal the statue of your mother?

QUEEN DIANA (shaking her head):
     Oh, who knows. Maybe for the gold necklace.

Xena gives Diana a thoughtful look, then exchanges a glance with Gabrielle.

QUEEN DIANA (continues):
     But, of course, I cherished it for the sentimental value. (sighs) It was such a shock...it was here the night before, and then the next morning--it was as if it had vanished into thin air, or--or--fallen through the ground!

She starts to sniffle and King Philemon puts a comforting arm around her shoulder

XENA:
     Diana, where exactly was this statue?

They walk on through the garden.

QUEEN DIANA (still sniffling):
     It was over by the fountain...

Suddenly Diana stops, a perplexed look on her face.

KING PHILEMON (shocked):
     By the gods!

Pan to show the statue--the same one Autolycus stole in the teaser.

KING PHILEMON (shocked):
     It's back!

QUEEN DIANA (plaintively):
     Well, I don't understand. Is this someone's idea of a trick?

GABRIELLE (looking at the statue):
     So this is it? It's really beautiful.

XENA:
     Something funny is going on here.

QUEEN DIANA (offended):
     Well, I must say I didn't find it funny at all.

KING PHILEMON (looking around the garden):
     Wait a minute, Diana...where's The Weeping Lady?

GABRIELLE (gives him a puzzled look):
     The who?

KING PHILEMON:
     The Weeping Lady. It's a statue I gave Diana for our twenty-fifth wedding anniversary.

QUEEN DIANA (scanning the garden):
     Why, dear, it's here, of course--I just saw it the other day when we were looking for my mother's statue... (points) It's right--

Pan to an empty spot by a wall.

QUEEN DIANA (deflated):
     --there. (she pauses for a moment, then gasps) It's gone!

GABRIELLE:
     So, someone is going around stealing statues.

KING PHILEMON:
     And putting them back! (looks around) It's impossible.

Zoom in on Xena's face as she looks at the empty spot, then at the statue and then at Diana and Philemon, and breaks out into a mischievous smirk.

XENA (turning to Diana):
     Diana--I think I know how to get your statue back. (grins)

QUEEN DIANA:
     You mean--you know who took it?

XENA (chuckles):
     Oh, I have a pretty good idea. (to Gabrielle) Come on, Gabrielle, we've got lots of taverns to search.

GABRIELLE (sighs):
     So much for a vacation.

Close-up on Xena, determined and somewhat ticked off but also grinning a little, as we:

FADE OUT

END OF TEASER

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- Created By Natty -
Shipper Seasons Opening Credits - Season 9 (.wmv - 4.37 MB)