FADE IN

The camera pans down on the forest below, it's a bright sunny day. As we pan down, we hear someone whistling the Xena theme song, the sound growing louder. A wide shot of a river glittering in the sun. Zoom in on Xena sitting on the bank, her back to the camera, wearing her leather tunic without the armor. The camera pans over her sword and chakram, lying on the ground next to her, then around to show that she is holding a fishing rod. She casts out the line as she whistles out the rest of the tune.

Pan over to Gabrielle, who is squatting down by the water nearby filling up two water skins.

GABRIELLE (fastening the cap on one of the bottles):
     Well? Are we ready to head out?

Xena sighs.

XENA:
     Aw, come on. I haven't caught anything yet.

Gabrielle smiles and shakes her head. Then she rises and turns around. The smile is gone from her face.

GABRIELLE (irritably):
     I think that's about to change.

Pan to Xena.

XENA (smirks):
     Yeah, I know.

GABRIELLE:
     That's not what I mean. We got company.

XENA (still smirking):
     Yeah, I know.

The camera pulls to show four thugs standing in front of Gabrielle. They're your typical low-budget thugs with bad teeth, messy hair, and barbarian-like outfits. The thug leader, Barcanor, looks by far the ugliest and meanest of the four.

BARCANOR (grins):
     Well, look what we got here, boys...

The thugs start to snicker menacingly. Gabrielle rolls her eyes.

GABRIELLE:
     Guys--you really don't want to do this.

The thugs growl in unison and tightly grip their barbaric clubs, obviously asking to get their butts kicked.

BARCANOR (angrily):
     I won't rest until I have the head of Xena!

Gabrielle can't help but laugh. Xena completely ignores the thugs and continues watching the fishing line, this time whistling the Hercules theme song.

GABRIELLE (putting her hands on her hips):
     You're really asking for it, aren't you...

BARCANOR (to his fellow thugs):
     Get 'em, boys!

The thugs give a hoarse disjointed yell that is supposed to be a thug war cry and begin to advance on Xena and Gabrielle.

Pan to Xena, still with her back turned to the thugs, as she pulls back her fishing pole fast, casting the line behind her. The line swishes through the air, lightning-fast, and Barcanor squeals and clutches at his mouth.

XENA:
     The catch of the day.

She leaps to her feet. While Barcanor yelps trying to pull the fishhook out of his lower lip, Xena drops her fishing rod and slams him in the chest, sending him sprawling on the ground.

The camera pulls around to Gabrielle as she is being attacked by two other thugs. She swings around the waterskins, repeatedly smacking them across the face as they stagger back.

Pan back to Xena as Barcanor, his lip bloodied, tries to get up. Xena runs forward, slams her bare feet in his chest, knocking him down, then flips forward and knocks down the thug behind him with a head-butt.

As the fighting continues, the camera pans over to a dog wandering out of the bushes nearby, its tail wagging and its tongue hanging out. It looks like a collie. The dog wanders around the campsite, looking curiously at the fight in the background, then wanders over to the edge of the river and stops, sniffing at the sword and chakram on the ground.

Pan back to the fight. Barcanor gets up again only to have Xena elbow him hard in the face. He goes down with a yelp.

Pan back to the dog as it runs off into the woods, a flash of something metallic in its mouth.

Pan back to the fight. Gabrielle has just knocked down another thug, while Xena dusts her hands off.

GABRIELLE (looks at Barcanor closely, who is lying on the ground moaning):
     Hey, aren't these the guys who attacked us last week at the village?

Xena pauses and looks over him.

XENA:
     You're right. (to Barcanor) Okay, what's going on? Why do you keep attacking us?

Close-up on Barcanor. He is breathing heavily, his eyes darting this way and that.

GABRIELLE:
     I could put the pinch on him.

Xena looks daggers at Gabrielle, then moves her still-bare foot up to Barcanor's neck and jabs her toes into his neck.

XENA:
     All right--you got thirty seconds--

GABRIELLE (laughs, with some exasperation):
     You are such a show-off.

XENA (irritably):
     What?

GABRIELLE:
     Now that I know how to put the pinch on people, you just have to find a way to prove you can do it better. (shakes her head) Putting on the pinch with your foot. And what are you going to use next time? Your nose?

The camera pans down to the thug as he begins making gurgling sounds.

XENA (sarcastically):
     Well, pardon me for trying to be creative.

The camera pans down to the thug as starts to twitch.

BARCANOR (struggling, gurgling):
     Guys! Guys! Guys!

XENA:
     Oh yeah. (leaning down, menacingly) All right, buddy--you know the drill. What do you want with us? Who sent you?

BARCANOR (growling, yet still gasping for air):
     I will not rest until I have defeated the legendary Princess Warrior!

XENA:
     It's Warrior Princess, you--

GABRIELLE:
     Xena, look, they're just a bunch of stupid thugs who aren't much of a threat to anyone...

BARCANOR (rasps):
     Don't--call me--stupid--

XENA (rolling her eyes):
     All right, all right. I'll make this simple...you attack us again, and next time we'll stop playing around and really hurt you. Got it?

Barcanor nods, obviously just wanting her to take off the pinch. (Of course, it has been a lot longer than thirty seconds so technically Barcanor should be dead already, but who's counting?) Xena starts to lift her foot, then glances at Gabrielle, leans down and takes off the pinch with her hand.

Barcanor gasps for breath and scrambles to his feet as his fellow thugs take off into the woods. He stumbles off behind them, looking back fearfully a few times.

GABRIELLE (sighs):
     Thugs, warlords, thieves...do they ever learn?

XENA (with a crooked grin):
     If they did, we wouldn't have anything to do this week.

GABRIELLE:
     Yeah, and we could just have a normal day in the life. Wouldn't that be awful. (She picks up the waterskins) Well? Have you had enough fun or do you want to do some more fishing?

XENA:
     Nah, let's hit the road.

Xena walks over and picks up her fishing pole, then walks to the edge of the water and picks up her sword. Suddenly she starts looking around, worried.

XENA:
     Gabrielle. Where's my chakram?

Gabrielle looks around.

GABRIELLE:
     Did you have it out here?

XENA (confidently):
     Yeah. I put it down right here next to my sword when I started fishing.

GABRIELLE (looking around):
     Are you sure?

XENA:
     Yes, I'm sure. (angrily) They probably stole it--those rotten sons of a bacchae--

GABRIELLE (shaking her head):
     Xena, they were nowhere near the river.

Xena scans the water but still doesn't see the chakram anywhere.

GABRIELLE (trying to be calm):
     Maybe it's over there. (She nods toward where Xena's boots and breastplate were lying by an extinguished campfire)

XENA (forcefully):
     It is not.

GABRIELLE:
     It wouldn't hurt to check!

XENA (frustrated):
     Fine, we'll do it your way.

CUT TO

Xena is pacing around the campsite scanning the ground. There is no trace of the chakram. Scowling, Xena picks up the breastplate and starts putting it on.

XENA:
     All right, that's it. I'm going to go check the riverbank one more time, and then I'm going after those thugs. (to Gabrielle) Snap me up.

Gabrielle walks over and clips the back of Xena's breastplate. They walk back to the river's edge.

XENA:
     All right--it was right here...

Suddenly, Xena bends down and her eyes widen.

GABRIELLE (interested):
     What is it?

The camera zooms in on a set of paw prints.

XENA (raising an eyebrow):
     Looks like we found our thief.

She slowly begins to draw her sword.

GABRIELLE (shocked):
     Xena! It's a dog, not a thug!

XENA (gives Gabrielle a "yeah, right" look):
     Let's just follow the trail.

CUT TO

Xena and Gabrielle following the trail of paw prints.

XENA (sighs):
     I wish it was one of the thugs that had taken it.

GABRIELLE (shocked):
     Why?

XENA:
     Because dogs are smarter.

Gabrielle laughs.

GABRIELLE:
     Well, let's just hope it's a one-headed one. (grins) Of course, we could always ask your dogcatcher friend for help...

Xena gives Gabrielle the "look," remembering their obsessive friend from Who Let the Dog Out?

XENA (through clenched teeth):
     Let's just focus.

Suddenly there is a trademark flash of blue light. Ares materializes in mid-stride, walking beside Xena.

XENA (edgy):
     Ares. What do you want?

ARES:
     Oh--just wanted to stop by and see what you're up to, do you mind?

XENA (scanning the ground):
     We're tracking someone.

ARES:
     Let me guess. A warlord? An assassin?

GABRIELLE:
     A dog.

Xena gives her an annoyed look and Gabrielle looks back at her with an innocent smile. Ares looks at them in shock as we:

FADE OUT

END OF TEASER