FADE IN

On a wooded area outside the city. The traveling salesman is walking down the road with his donkey and cart, humming some tune. A shrill whistle slices through the air behind him. He stops with a start and turns around.

He is facing Xena and Gabrielle, standing on the sides of the road.

The salesman gulps, his eyes bulge and he collapses on the ground in a dead faint.

There is a flash of blue light and Ares materializes between them. They stand staring at the salesman, in a tableau reminiscent of the three of them staring down "battling Siki" in Old Ares Had a Farm.

ARES:
     What did you do to him?

XENA (irritated):
     Nothing!

ARES:
     So, he's got the chakram.

XENA:
     Right.

She walks over to the cart and starts unloading it, opening boxes and dumping various things on the ground: jewelry, statuettes, pots, scrolls, household appliances, etc.

CUT TO

Later. Gabrielle is kneeling by the side of the still-unconscious salesman trying to rouse him out of his faint. All of the boxes have been turned over and the salesman's wares are now scattered over the ground. A furious-looking Xena stands over this mess.

ARES:
     Maybe he sold it already.

Xena whips around and faces Ares, who backs off a little, raising his hands in a defensive gesture.

XENA:
     Great.

Gabrielle takes a waterskin from her belt and sprinkles some water in the salesman's face. The salesman sits up, sputtering. The camera follows his point of view as he looks at Xena and screams, looks at Ares and screams again, then looks at Gabrielle and seems to calm down a little, panting for breath--then looks at his wares scattered on the ground and screams again.

SALESMAN:
     What did...what did...what did you do?!

XENA:
     I'm looking for something of mine. My chakram. It's a metal circle with sharp edges--you bought it off a fisherman--

SALESMAN (shocked):
     You're...you're Xena!

XENA (rolling her eyes):
     Yeah, yeah, I'm Xena. Now, tell me--

With a sudden burst of energy the salesman scrambles to his feet, runs toward his wares and starts digging through the stuff.

SALESMAN (mumbles):
     Oh...I'm going to make a fortune off this.

Xena looks a little relieved, thinking he has her chakram. He runs up to her with a quill and a piece of parchment that has a crudely executed portrait of Xena on it.

SALESMAN (handing her the quill):
     Could I have your autograph on this?

Furious, Xena slaps the parchment and quill out of his hand.

XENA (narrows her eyes):
     All right, we can do this the easy way or the hard way. Where's my chakram?

SALESMAN (scared):
     I...I don't have it.

XENA:
     Well, spit it out. What did you do with it?

SALESMAN:
     I--I sold it to a shop in town.

While they talk, Ares walks up behind Xena, leans down and picks up the parchment with the Xena drawing. He examines it with a disgusted look.

XENA:
     Which shop?

SALESMAN (stammering):
     Well, it--it specializes in this kind of stuff...

ARES (looks up at Xena):
     You know, he deserves to be zapped with a fireball just for this. (points to the drawing).

The salesman's eyes bulge, he screams even louder than before and passes out again.

GABRIELLE (in disbelief):
     This just keeps getting better and better...

XENA (very cranky):
     All right, we get back to town and look for a weapons shop.

GABRIELLE (looks at her cautiously):
     You know--Ares could get us there a lot faster... (off Xena's dubious look) And this is an emergency...

ARES:
     She's right, you know.

Xena looks at him, obviously wavering.

XENA (sourly):
     Well, I suppose--

CUT TO

Outside the town gates. A burst of blue light; Ares materializes with Xena and Gabrielle. Xena looks extremely displeased.

GABRIELLE (brightly):
     Here we are.

XENA:
     Yeah, and we would have been here half an hour ago if you hadn't insisted on putting all of that peddler's junk back into the boxes.

GABRIELLE (defensively):
     Well, we couldn't just leave him like that--

XENA:
     Sure, maybe you should have given him some flowers for selling stolen property.

ARES (looks from Xena to Gabrielle and back, obviously eager to avoid their bickering):
     So. I figure you can take it from here?

XENA:
     Sure we can. (pauses) Oh, and Ares? (making her best effort to be nice) Thanks.

ARES:
     Sure you don't want me to go back there and zap the son of a--

XENA and GABRIELLE (in unison):
     No!

With a shrug of resignation, Ares smirks at them and vanishes.

CUT TO

Back at the city square.

Xena and Gabrielle walk up to the same vegetable vendor they were talking to before (the old woman).

OLD WOMAN:
     Oh, it's you again. Did you find your salesman?

XENA:
     Yeah, we found him all right. Tell me, where's the weapons store in this town?

OLD WOMAN (shaking her head):
     There isn't one.

Gabrielle looks puzzled.

GABRIELLE:
     What else could he have meant?

OLD WOMAN (to Xena):
     You know, I see a lot of people like you around here.

XENA:
     Like me? (frowns) You mean, warriors?

OLD WOMAN (sarcastic):
     I mean, weirdos. Coming here dressed up as Xena, Warrior Princess and Gabrielle, Bard of Potidaea. Always bickering with one another. (mockingly) Xena and Ares this, Xena and Gabrielle that. (laughing) Wasting money on stupid junk...

Xena seems confused.

XENA:
     What junk?

OLD WOMAN:
     At the store!

The old woman points across the square. Quick zoom on the multicolored brick building with the chakram entrance and the "Xena Gift Shop" sign.

GABRIELLE (amazed):
     If that's not a sign, I don't know what is.

With a determined stride, Xena heads for the shop.

CUT TO

Inside the building. Xena enters with Gabrielle in tow; they stop and look around in amazement.

It has many of the same things Joxer and Meg's tavern did: Xena outfits, posters, toy swords and chakrams, scrolls, etc. The counter is staffed by a blond teenage girl in a Season 3 Gabrielle outfit--green top and brown skirt. The girl notices Xena and Gabrielle and breaks out into a smile.

GIRL (amazed):
     Wow! You guys look like the real thing! I dig the outfits!

Xena walks around, shocked as she looks at the Xena dolls and other items. She picks up an Ares doll off the shelf.

It's very ugly with incredibly oversized muscles. As Xena holds it up, Gabrielle looks at it and can't help but grin.

GABRIELLE:
     You think he'd be flattered?

Xena chuckles and puts the doll down. Gabrielle walks over to a shelf lined with scrolls. She picks one up and browses through it.

GABRIELLE (surprised and flattered):
     Xena, my scrolls!

The girl hears them and her eyes widen. She walks up to them with an awed look on her face.

GIRL:
     Excuse me, did you say--your scrolls? You mean, you're--

GABRIELLE:
     Yes. Gabrielle.

GIRL (puts her hand over her mouth):
     The Battling Bard of Potidaea!

Gabrielle smiles modestly, obviously pleased.

GIRL (nods over to Xena):
     And that's--

GABRIELLE:
     Yes, that's Xena.

GIRL (overwhelmed):
     Oh wow... I'm so incredibly excited to meet you. I'm Andrea, by the way. (almost squealing) Your number one fan!

Gabrielle picks up a scroll from another shelf and starts reading it. Her expression grows puzzled.

GABRIELLE:
     I didn't write this.

ANDREA (cheerfully):
     Oh, I know. These are fan scrolls based on your stories.

GABRIELLE (indignant):
     Based on my stories? (holds up the scroll) This one has a wedding between Ares and me. (venomously) That is not based on my stories. (holds up another scroll) And this--

ANDREA (sheepishly):
     Well, it's fiction--

GABRIELLE:
     Fiction. That's not quite the word I was looking for.

XENA (off-camera):
     Hey--

Pan to Xena as she looks at a rack of chakram replicas. Gabrielle turns to look at her.

XENA (frustrated):
     It's not here. (to Andrea) Did you buy a chakram from a traveling salesman today?

ANDREA (excited):
     You mean the one that looked just like the real thing?

XENA (with a little sarcasm):
     Yeah, that's the one.

ANDREA (nodding):
     Yeah, we got it.

Xena lets out a sigh of relief.

GABRIELLE:
     Thank heavens.

XENA:
     Where is it?

ANDREA (smiling):
     We sold it.

We can almost feel Xena's heart plunge.

XENA:
     You just said you got it.

ANDREA (still smiling):
     Yeah, we got it this morning. Then we sold it.

Xena clenches her fists and grimaces, obviously holding in a frustrated roar. Finally she breaks down and kicks at the counter with a loud battle yell. Andrea looks terrified. Xena turns to her and puts on a rather scary-looking smile.

XENA (takes a few deep breaths to calm down):
     Okay. Okay. Who did you sell it to?

ANDREA:
     Well only to our biggest fan--Sheena. She comes here all the time. And when she saw the chakram she bought it right away.

XENA (in disbelief):
     Sheena. Where can I find her?

CUT TO

A long shot of a small farmhouse outside the town, Xena and Gabrielle coming up the path to the house.

CUT TO

Xena knocking on the door.

There is a long pause.

OLD FEMALE VOICE (off-camera):
     Hold on, I'm coming. Who's there?

GABRIELLE:
     Are you Sheena?

OLD FEMALE VOICE:
     Yeah, that's me. Who wants to know.

The door swings open. The camera pulls in on Xena and Gabrielle as their jaws drop.

OLD FEMALE VOICE (off-camera):
     Xena and Gabrielle!

The camera pulls around to show Minya, a much older Minya with long gray hair and a stunned look on her face. She is still wearing her old leathers, which are now REALLY old.

She unites them both in a big bear hug.

XENA (surprised):
     Minya!

GABRIELLE:
     It's so good to see you. (pulls back) So--you're "Sheena."

MINYA:
     Yeah, I thought I needed a new name. Minya just doesn't sound like a real warrior's name, you know? Hard to get people to take you seriously. (grins hopefully) So what do you think?

XENA (slightly at a loss for words):
     It's...it's a great name.

MINYA (shocked):
     I can't believe you guys are here. (chuckles) I mean, we're none of us getting any younger. (Xena and Gabrielle give her the "look" as she laughs) But I recognized you right away.

MINYA (laughing):
     It's just like old times huh? Come on in!

They smile and walk inside her house, which looks a bit messy but cozy.

Minya leads them through the hallway to the kitchen. She carefully sits down on the chair, and Xena and Gabrielle do the same sitting themselves by the kitchen table.

MINYA (excitedly):
     So what have you guys been up to since I last saw you?

Gabrielle laughs, and looks at Xena.

XENA (shrugging):
     Same old, same old.

Minya nods.

MINYA:
     Yeah, same here. Busting heads, beating up baddies... (grinning) You know, the warrior stuff.

Xena and Gabrielle grin.

MINYA (excited):
     Oh man, I can't believe you guys are here! (sighs) I wish Hower could be here to see you...

Xena and Gabrielle give her a sympathetic look.

GABRIELLE (putting her hand on Minya's arm):
     I'm so sorry.

MINYA (confused):
     About what?

GABRIELLE (gently):
     Hower. How long has he been gone?

MINYA:
     Oh, since this morning.

GABRIELLE (horrified):
     Hower died this morning?

Minya bursts out laughing, startling Xena and Gabrielle.

MINYA:
     He didn't die. Him and Hower Jr. went to town to buy a goat. So how did you guys find me?

XENA:
     Well, what happened was--a dog stole my chakram. (Minya looks puzzled) Then a boy threw it in the water, then a fisherman found it (growing visibly irritated), then he sold it to a salesman, (more irritated) then the salesman sold it to some "Xena" store, and then (by now she's furious) they told me they had already sold it to "Sheena".

MINYA (jaw dropping):
     So it really is yours!

XENA:
     Yeah.

MINYA:
     Wow. It looked so much like the real thing, I knew I had to have it. I bought it right away.

XENA:
     Minya, I'm gonna need it back.

MINYA:
     Well--sure! I mean it is yours and everything. (sadly) Only thing is...I don't have it anymore.

XENA (in disbelief):
     What?

Gabrielle pounds her head on the table.

XENA:
     What did you do? Sell it? Throw it in the river? What?!

MINYA:
     Nah, it was nothing like that. See, this is how it happened...

Minya continues to tell the story to Xena and Gabrielle.

MINYA:
     And then... (sheepishly) I threw it.

XENA (disbelief):
     You threw it?

Minya nods her head, a little embarrassed.

Minya looks guiltily at Xena and Gabrielle. Xena is clutching her head in despair.

MINYA (sighing):
     If only I had my warrior strength I had in my younger years.

There is a long pause.

GABRIELLE (to Minya):
     So how many thugs were there?

MINYA:
     Oh--a lot. Maybe thirty, forty...

Close-up on Gabrielle as she raises an eyebrow.

MINYA (stammering a bit):
     Maybe more like twenty. Or a dozen...

Xena raises an eyebrow exactly the same way as Gabrielle.

MINYA (embarrassed):
     Six. Uh--four.

XENA:
     So they knew it was my chakram... What did they look like?

MINYA (makes a face):
     A nasty-looking bunch. Their leader especially--big, ugly son of a--

XENA:
     Did he have a cut on his lip?

MINYA:
     Sure did.

XENA (to Gabrielle):
     It's the same guys all right.

CUT TO

Outside Minya's house. Xena and Gabrielle are getting ready to leave, Minya standing in the doorway.

MINYA:
     Well, I hope you find those dirty thugs and take a round out of them.

XENA:
     Oh, don't worry. We will.

MINYA:
     And hey, when you're done, come on by and we'll celebrate! We've got a lot of catching up to do. (smiles and points to the whip at her belt) You know, after all these years I still have your whip. Never leaves my side.

XENA (smiles):
     Good-bye, Minya.

MINYA (sheepishly):
     Could I ask you for a big favor? (awkward) Could you--could you call me Sheena? It would really mean a lot.

XENA:
     Sure. Bye... Sheena.

GABRIELLE:
     Bye, Sheena.

MINYA (grabs them both in yet another bear hug):
     Bye!

Xena and Gabrielle start to walk away. Minya watching them leave, waving enthusiastically.

MINYA:
     Bye, Xena! Bye, Gabrielle!

Xena and Gabrielle turn around and wave. Minya takes the whip off her belt, lets out a warrior yell and cracks the whip.

XENA (shakes her head):
     First she gets my whip, then my chakram...what next?

GABRIELLE:
     Better keep an eye on your horse.

XENA (chuckles):
     Come on, we'd better get going and find those guys before they end up selling it or losing it. Minya thinks they have some kind of fortress around here.

GABRIELLE:
     A fortress? Those guys?

CUT TO

A "fortress" comes to view. It's a rather pathetic wooden structure about two stories high, imitating a castle, with a skull and crossbones flag and chimes made out of bones.

DISSOLVE TO

Inside the fortress. The four thugs walk in.

BARCANOR (looking around):
     Mom, we're home!

MOM THUG (off-camera, yelling):
     There better be a head of Xena lying on the floor!

Barcanor looks scared. The Mom Thug walks out. She is an older woman in a patched-up black leather outfit, with white face paint, spike bracelets, etc. Typical Thug Mom stuff.

She looks around, obviously no head of Xena.

MOM THUG (obviously ticked, to Barcanor):
     Well, Barcanor, what's going on here?

BARCANOR (shamefaced):
     We didn't get the head of Xena, Mom.

MOM THUG (angrily):
     And why is that?

THUG #1:
     Cause her and the little blonde kicked the crap out of us again.

MOM THUG (furious):
     You know I have had (her hand rising up) it up to here with you boys! I always have to sit around listening to all of the Warlord Moms talk about how their sons are sacking villages. You boys can't even do one thing right! How do you ever expect to make it as warlords? You gotta make a name for yourself. Too many warlords, not enough villages. (sighing) This is a tough business, you know.

The thugs nod shamefacedly. Barcanor holds up the chakram.

BARCANOR:
     We did get her weapon, though.

MOM THUG (pleasantly surprised):
     You did? (grins evilly) You took it off her?

THUG #2 (spilling the beans):
     No, some old lady threw it at us.

Barcanor kicks him but it's too late. Mom Thug looks furious.

MOM THUG (yelling):
     So this is some old lady's weapon?!

BARCONOR (shaking his head):
     No, no, mom, it's Xena's--I know it is.

Mom Thug reaches out and grabs the chakram, looking it over.

MOM THUG (grinning):
     Well if it is her weapon, she's going to come looking for it.

THUG #3:
     How will she find us?

MOM THUG (smiling):
     Oh, she'll find us. She's Xena. And when she does... (laughing wickedly) We'll be ready for her.

The thugs laugh wickedly on cue.

MOM THUG (screams):
     Now go to your room!

The thugs walk out as the Mom Thug looks over the chakram.

MOM THUG (in villain voice):
     This is gonna be good.

The Mom Thug begins looking through the chakram as she holds it up, just like Callisto in the famous shot in Callisto. Suddenly, she cuts herself on the blade and drops it fast. Obviously, she is no Callisto.

MOM THUG (screaming):
     Oh --BLEEP!

FADE OUT

END OF ACT TWO