FADE IN

On Xena, Gabrielle and Ares walking through a forest clearing.

ARES:
     I'm telling you--there's no fortress here.

XENA (looking around):
     Minya said--

ARES (sarcastic):
     Oh, well if Minya said it--I'm sure she knows a lot more about this than I do. I mean, I'm just the God of War.

GABRIELLE:
     Maybe you don't know each and every little fortress.

Ares shoots her a mock-nasty look.

XENA (suddenly focused on something ahead of her):
     Wait a minute.

She walks ahead toward some shrubbery. We see a large wooden post with a sign on it, nearly hidden by leaves. Xena comes closer and tilts her head, looks at the sign, while Gabrielle and Ares come up behind her. We see some Greek writing on the sign, half-hidden by leaves.

On-screen subtitles:

HUG F  ESS

ARES (reading the sign):
     Hug-fest? (to Gabrielle) Sounds like your kind of place.

Gabrielle gives him a "very funny" look. Xena pushes the leaves off the sign, revealing more letters. A new translation appears.

THUG FORTRESS

ARES (in disbelief):
     You've got to be kidding me.

Gabrielle laughs. Xena grins in triumph and parts the branches behind the sign. We see the thug fortress with the skull and crossbones flag and the bone wind chimes.

XENA:
     Minya was right.

ARES:
     Those guys took your chakram? You know, that's a lot more humiliating than a dog.

XENA (stung):
     They didn't take it. Minya threw it at them.

ARES (disgusted):
     See, this is the kind of thing that gives thugs a bad name. Really.

Xena and Gabrielle walk up to the front door of the "fortress" while Ares stays back, a conspicuously bored look on his face.

GABRIELLE:
     Think we should knock? (off Xena's sarcastic look) Well, it is the polite thing to do.

BARCANOR (off-camera, growling):
     That won't be necessary.

Pan up to Barcanor standing on a ledge of the "fortress." With a hoarse battle yell, he and the other three thugs leap off the ledge intending to tackle Xena and Gabrielle, but miss their mark and flop on the ground, grunting and groaning pathetically.

XENA (smoothly):
     I believe you boys have something of mine. Hand it over now and you won't get hurt...any more.

BARCANOR (groaning):
     Over my dead body!

ARES (in the background):
     You know, that's a very tempting offer.

Xena leans down and picks Barcanor up by the ear.

XENA (now seriously pissed off):
     Listen up, pal. I've been tracking my chakram all day and I'm just about running out of patience. Now, where is it?

BARCANOR (groaning):
     You'll have to kill me first.

XENA:
     Just how stupid are you?

BARCANOR (manages a yell):
     Get her, boys!

The other three thugs scramble rather reluctantly to their feet and charge Xena, who looks really fed up. She whips around, grabs two of the thugs, slams them into each other and then shoves them forcefully into the third thug. All three sprawl on the ground and seem quite content to stay there.

Quick pan to Ares, who shakes his head in disgust.

Xena turns to Barcanor again and hauls him to his feet.

XENA:
     All right. Am I going to put the pinch on you again or are you going to tell me where my chakram is?

BARCANOR (gasping):
     I don't have it!

XENA:
     Who has it?

BARCANOR (tries to struggle feebly):
     My--my mom.

XENA (shakes her head):
     What? You're making this up.

BARCANOR (still struggling):
     No, it's true. My mom has your chakram. She wants revenge for what you did to her many years ago.

Xena looks confused and guilty.

XENA:
     Who's your mom?

BARCANOR:
     Her name is Nell the Nasty, and she is the baddest mother thugger around.

GABRIELLE (shocked):
     The baddest what?

XENA (to Gabrielle):
     He said "mother thugger."

Gabrielle looks confused and somewhat relieved.

ARES (in an "are you kidding me?" tone):
     Nell the Nasty?

XENA (yanks at Barcanor's collar, making him gasp):
     Well, where is she?

BARCANOR (gasping):
     She's waiting for you at the cliff over on the edge of these woods, west of here. (tries to sound menacing but that's rather difficult since his voice is half-choked by Xena grabbing his collar) She said to come alone if you ever want to see your chakram again.

Xena lets go of him and he collapses with a groan.

XENA (irritated but also puzzled):
     All right, we're getting out of here.

CUT TO

Xena, Gabrielle and Ares walking through the woods.

GABRIELLE:
     So who do you think she is?

XENA:
     I have no idea.

GABRIELLE (rolling her eyes):
     Oh, come on, Xena.

XENA:
     Gabrielle, I'm serious, I have no clue who this woman is.

GABRIELLE (irritated):
     Why do I have to force it out of you every time something from your past comes up?

XENA (blows up):
     Gabrielle, she could be anybody.

ARES (repeats the name, as if savoring it):
     Nell the Nasty. (to Xena) Ever sack a brothel?

Xena, slightly ahead of Gabrielle and Ares, stops and whips around, looking daggers at them both.

DISSOLVE TO

Nell the Nasty (Thug Mom) stands on top of a cliff, holding Xena's chakram in her bandaged hand. Behind her, the sun is already low--it's late afternoon.

Xena, Gabrielle and Ares come into view, coming up the hillside. Xena gestures to Ares and Gabrielle to stay back and continues to come toward Nell the Nasty.

NELL THE NASTY (hissing):
     Why, hello, Xena. (holding up the chakram) Looking for this?

The camera pans over to Xena as her eyes widen. She walks fast toward Nell.

XENA:
     Give it back!

NELL THE NASTY (grins evilly, extending her hand with the chakram over the cliff's edge):
     You stop right there, Xena, or I throw it right over into the sea!

XENA (holds out her hands in a "calming" gesture):
     All right, all right. Now calm down--

Xena slowly takes another step forward. Nell moves her hand as if to throw the chakram.

NELL THE NASTY:
     I'm not kidding, Xena!

XENA:
     Okay, okay... (softly) What do you want?

NELL THE NASTY (roaring):
     Revenge!

XENA:
     For what?

NELL THE NASTY (hissing):
     You don't remember, do you, Xena?

Xena shakes her head no.

NELL THE NASTY:
     Isn't that great. You scarred me for life and you don't even remember.

XENA (confused):
     I scarred you--where?

NELL THE NASTY:
     Do you remember Amphipolis, Xena?

XENA (even more confused):
     Well, of course I do. I grew up there.

NELL THE NASTY (grins as nastily as her nickname suggests):
     Well, isn't that a co-in-ci-dence. So did I.

DISSOLVE TO

Nell the Nasty holding the chakram over the cliff, a defiant look on her face. Pan back to Xena, who looks puzzled at first, and then breaks out into an incredulous smile.

XENA:
     Are you kidding me?

Nell looks pissed off.

XENA (laughing):
     This is about a game of ball when I was ten? So what was all this about being scarred?

NELL THE NASTY (angrily):
     Well, I was. My soul--scarred for life!

Xena gives her a pitying but baffled look.

XENA (takes a deep breath):
     Look, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have treated you that way. But I was just a kid. No one should hold a grudge for this long...especially over a game of ball.

NELL THE NASTY (tearing up a little):
     I just wanted to play ball with the big kids.

Xena slowly nods, actually starting to feel guilty (it doesn't take much, does it).

XENA (sweetly):
     Well, you know, Nell--if it makes you feel better, I'd love to play a game of catch with you.

NELL THE NASTY (sniffling):
     Really?

XENA (smiling):
     Really. (comforting, extending her hand) Now come on, step away from the edge.

Nell smiles and begins to walk away from the edge--but before things can turn totally warm and fuzzy, she spins around and chucks the chakram over the cliff.

Xena rushes forward, but it's too late--the chakram's gone.

XENA (shocked):
     What did you do that for?

NELL THE NASTY (angrily):
     For revenge. Bitch!

With a roar, Nell tackles Xena. Taken by surprise, Xena actually sprawls on her back and the two women wrestle, rolling on the ground. Xena succeeds in pinning down Nell just as Gabrielle and Ares come up.

GABRIELLE:
     What happened?

XENA (angrily):
     She threw my chakram over the cliff.

NELL THE NASTY (laughs hoarsely, out of breath):
     How does it feel, Xena?! Huh? Now you know how I felt!

Nell struggles to break free as Xena tries to keep her pinned down with some difficulty.

ARES (lifts a sarcastic eyebrow):
     Need any help?

XENA (still holding Nell down, to Ares):
     Yeah. Go get my chakram before anything else happens to it.

ARES (teasing):
     What's the magic word?

XENA (snarls):
     Now!

ARES:
     Yep, that'll do.

He vanishes. Medium close-up on Gabrielle as she smiles and shakes her head.

XENA (in the background):
     Ow!

Alarmed, Gabrielle turns to see Xena clock Nell right in the head, knocking her out.

GABRIELLE:
     What's wrong?

XENA:
     The psycho bit me. (looks at her hand in disbelief as she gets up)

GABRIELLE:
     I hope you have a good remedy for rabies.

BARCANOR (off-camera):
     Hey! That's my mom you're calling a psycho.

Pan back to show Barcanor and the other three thugs, who obviously still haven't had enough, coming up the hillside with their clubs at the ready.

XENA (rolls her eyes):
     I really don't have any more time for this.

Barcanor charges forward, the other three closely behind him. As he runs past Gabrielle, she spins around and kicks the club out of his hand. It flies up in the air and then plonks right down on his head with a "ka-pow" sound effect, knocking him out cold. The other three thugs stop, not sure what to do next.

XENA (to Gabrielle):
     Nice shot. (to the thugs) Guys, you don't want to do this.

The other thugs look at each other uncertainly.

THUG #1:
     But Mom said...

XENA (bluntly):
     Your mom's unconscious.

The three thugs nod.

XENA:
     So how about you take your mom and your brother home, because I really don't feel like beating you guys down anymore.

The thugs nod.

THUG #2:
     I guess we could do that. 'Cause my face is still kind of sore from the last fight.

Two of the thugs pick up Barcanor, the third picks up Nell, staggering a little under her weight. They depart.

GABRIELLE (to Xena, smiling):
     Nice diplomacy.

CUT TO

A rocky beach at the bottom of cliff. The sun is starting to set over the sea.

Ares is walking along the beach looking for the chakram and suddenly stops, obviously having noticed something in front of him.

The camera spins around and zooms in on a girl of about seven sitting on the beach next to a bucket full of toys, holding the chakram. She has curly blonde hair, wears a frilly blue dress and looks like the sweetest child to ever walk the earth. She seems quite mesmerized by the chakram.

ARES (walk up to the girl):
     Okay, kid, hand it over. It belongs to a friend of mine.

The girl tight grabs the chakram's handle.

GIRL (angrily):
     Finders keepers, losers weepers. Get lost, moron!

Ares stared at her in disbelief.

ARES:
     Did you just call me a--

GIRL:
     Moron!

She sticks out her tongue at him and laughs.

Ares takes a step closer.

GIRL (nastily):
     You take one more step, Mister, and I'm going to scream "You're not my daddy" so loud, the entire Athenian army will be here in seconds!

Ares stands still, completely stumped.

WOMAN (off-screen, shouting):
     Annabel! It's getting dark! Pick up your toys and let's go home!

ANNABEL:
     Coming, Mom!

She throws the chakram in her bucket of toys, picks it up and runs off, turning back to stick out her tongue at Ares one more time. Ares stands frozen to the spot, completely stunned as we:

FADE OUT

END OF ACT THREE