FADE IN

Xena heads toward the door, the chakram already on her hip and sword in her hand. Darion runs after her. The camera follows them as Xena races toward the stairs; Darion has a hard time keeping up with her.

DARION:
     Wait up! (Xena looks back, startled.) I have to show you the way.

A quick montage as Xena and Darion run down the stairs and out of the tavern, then across the square and along the street where we saw Darion before.

DARION:
     Stop!

XENA (taken back):
     What now?

DARION:
     We have to be quiet and sneak up on them.

Xena stops and narrows her eyes and looks at him, hand on chakram just in case.

XENA:
     How many of these bad men are there?

DARION (stares at her--the question has obviously taken him by surprise, and he thinks hard, his tongue hangs out slightly in deep concentration):
     Um...maybe two thousand.

XENA (raised eyebrow):
     Two thousand? (she looks suspicious but somewhat relieved, sensing that maybe Gabrielle is not in trouble after all) Just how big is that barn, Darion?

DARION (thinking hard):
     Umm...did I say two thousand? I meant two hundred.

XENA (still suspicious):
     Then shouldn't we be moving a little faster?

DARION:
     We have to be quiet--then we can catch them by surprise.

He puts a finger to his lips as they approach the barn entrance. Xena pushes the door open and takes a step forward, Darion at her heels. The barn is pitch black, the only light coming in through the open door; everything is quiet.

XENA (warily):
     Gabrielle?

They both take a few steps into the barn, with Xena holding Darion back behind her.

Suddenly, an oil lamp ignites in the center of the barn, its bright golden shine dispelling the darkness. Then, more lamps light up in succession, instantly filling the room with light. Xena squints, shielding her eyes.

CHORUS OF VOICES (yells loudly):
     Surprise!

Gabrielle rises from behind a pile of bright-colored cushions; then, Eve and Klymene rise at her side, and on the other side of the barn, Virgil, Kara, and Theon.

The barn has been turned into an over-decorated function room. Pink adorns every corner; cushions, rugs and roses--pink, red, white and pale yellow--are strewn all over the place. There is also a long table laden with food. In the middle of the barn, a banner is strung up with swirly lettering, red on a pink background. A caption appears onscreen, translating the inscription:

HAPPY BIRTHDAY XENA!

A close-up of Xena's shocked face. Gradually recovering from the shock, she looks around, with enough presence of mind to notice that Eve and Virgil are exchanging covert glances. She smiles--and then, scanning the gathering once more, looks subtly disappointed.

There are two flashes of light and puffs of smoke, one golden, one blue; when the smoke and the sparks clear, Ares and Aphrodite are standing in the middle of the barn.

APHRODITE (claps her hands):
     Surpriiiiiise!

Ares says nothing, lifting a sardonic eyebrow at Xena. She smiles. Meanwhile, Gabrielle grins and walks over to Xena.

DARION (jumping up and down at a thousand miles per minute):
     Were you surprised? Wasn't I good at pretending something bad had happened?

GABRIELLE (interrupting):
     Darion...

DARION (still beside himself with excitement):
     Bet you didn't know what we had planned! Really fooled you, huh? (proudly) I did everything Gabrielle told me to do!

ARES (looks sarcastically at Gabrielle):
     Corrupting the innocent, I see?

GABRIELLE (reddens):
     Darion!

DARION (innocent look):
     What?

XENA:
     You know you shouldn't tell tales; haven't you ever heard of the boy who cried wolf?

DARION (puzzled):
     Wolf? When I cry, it sounds more like WAHHHH!!!

XENA (hides a grin):
     Thank you, Darion. (turns to Gabrielle) Now what do I do with you, huh?

She steps up to Gabrielle and gives her a hug.

GABRIELLE:
     Hey--you can't blame this one on me! Although I agree that it's about time we celebrated your birthday--

XENA:
     You mean, to remind me that I'm getting older?

ARES (in feigned shock):
     You are?

Xena gives him a "cut the crap" smile.

GABRIELLE:
     Anyway, the surprise party wasn't my idea.

XENA:
     Then whose idea was it?

Gabrielle raises an eyebrow and turns. The camera follows her gaze over to Ares standing side by side with Aphrodite.

XENA (with a mock look of anger):
     You're the one responsible!

APHRODITE (pushes forward):
     For all the decorating? Yeah, isn't it just--perfect?

XENA (gives a tight smile):
     Oh yeah. (looks around) Well, at least you didn't use pink...

Aphrodite frowns, confused; Gabrielle unsuccessfully tries to steer her toward the other guests.

XENA (to Ares):
     So I have you to thank for this, huh?

ARES (smirks):
     Want to punish me? (Aphrodite elbows him) Ow...I take no credit for the decor, trust me.

XENA (grins):
     I hope not. It's bad enough without the decor.

ARES (raises his eyebrows):
     Bad? What now?

XENA:
     Oh...just wondering if you're going a bit soft. (she raises an eyebrow, and looks him over) Well--not everywhere--

GABRIELLE (blushes furiously and puts her hands over Darion's ears):
     Xena!

XENA (places her hand on Ares' muscular arm and smirks):
     What did you think I meant?

Gabrielle shakes her head ruefully and takes her hands off Darion's ears.

DARION (oblivious):
     You should've seen it, Xena! Aphrodite just went--bang! And then it all changed... (turns to Ares) Can you do that too, Ares? Huh? Can you?

ARES (glances at Gabrielle):
     I'm not sure it would be properly appreciated, but--

He flicks a finger. The decor shimmers and then changes: the cushions become heaps of skulls, the curtains turn black and scarlet, the garlands of roses turn to bones and polished weapons, the stands with flower vases to severed heads and polished weapons. Darion looks somewhat taken aback but then claps, obviously trying to put on a brave face; Kara and Theon squeal; Eve, Virgil, and Gabrielle wince visibly, and Klymene looks around, both disturbed and clearly impressed.

APHRODITE (rolls her eyes):
     Bro, this is so not cool for a birthday party...

Xena simply stares at Ares. He sighs, clicks his fingers and changes everything back.

DARION (excited):
     Wow! Can you do that for my birthday?

Gabrielle looks dismayed.

CUT TO

A large forest, with tall trees on both sides of a narrow, dimly-lit path. It's late, and the last rays of light are disappearing from the sky. As the camera moves through the forest, two male voices break through the silence.

VOICE 1:
     I can't believe we're late.

VOICE 2:
     Well--if we hadn't stopped to help that woman who said a hydra was after her, we'd be on time.

VOICE 1:
     She could have been in real trouble!

VOICE 2:
     Hmm... From a hydra described as pink and fluffy?

The camera stands still for a moment and focuses on a tree.

VOICE 1:
     It could have been some other monster.

VOICE 2:
     What, a killer bunny?

A pause.

VOICE 1:
     You may laugh, but I have it on very good authority that killer bunnies are very often underestimated...

The camera starts moving forward again.

VOICE 2 (sighs):
     This is going to happen forever, isn't it? Even when I'm long gone, you'll continue to have your admirers inventing monsters from which you have to rescue them...

VOICE 1 (sheepishly):
     Maybe not forever.

CUT TO

The party. Aphrodite and Klymene are deep in discussion, while Gabrielle is talking to Virgil and simultaneously keeping an eye on Darion, Kara and Theon, who are hanging near the table looking at the food with intense interest.

Eve approaches Xena and gives her a hug.

EVE:
     Happy birthday, Mother.

XENA:
     Thanks, Evie. (Xena looks over at Virgil, who turns to look at them, apparently only half-listening to what Gabrielle is saying) It means a lot to have the people I love here today--

Eve follows Xena's gaze and blushes.

EVE:
     It does, doesn't it... (obviously wanting to change the subject, looks around the barn and notices Aphrodite talking to Klymene) I wonder what they're talking about--I'd better go over there and find out.

XENA (chuckles):
     You'd better. I think that was about as long as Aphrodite can talk about things that are appropriate for children.

Eve walks over to Aphrodite and Klymene.

APHRODITE:
     So, if a boy wants to kiss you--

EVE (looks panicked):
     Uh...maybe we should open the presents and start eating?

APHRODITE:
     Oh no--not everyone is here yet!

XENA (creases her brow):
     Who else are we expecting?

APHRODITE:
     Uh-uh, warrior babe! You just go and mingle and you'll find out soon enough...

Aphrodite draws Eve aside while Klymene goes over to Darion, Kara and Theon at the food table; Darion is sneaking bits of icing off the cake. Xena's gaze wanders over to Ares, who stands to the side all by himself, looking with obvious disapproval at his pink surroundings. Xena walks toward him.

ARES:
     Like your surprise? (he touches the back of his hand to her cheek)

XENA:
     Yes. (smiles) I haven't had a birthday party since I was a child. (looks at him and chuckles) You knew it was my birthday. Now that's a surprise.

ARES:
     Come on, Xena. I-- (he stumbles a little and pauses)

XENA (teasing):
     You're a god?

ARES (smiles a little tensely):
     Yeah, that's obviously what I meant to say.

She covers his hand with her own. They move together into a tender kiss. Just as their lips meet, the door flies open and in marches Hercules followed by a familiar-looking old man--it's a much older Iolaus.

Hercules smiles and waves at everyone as he strolls toward the table and grabs a puff pastry, stuffing it in his mouth. Then he stops dead in his tracks as he notices Xena and Ares sharing a kiss, and promptly starts choking. Meanwhile, Iolaus, who has stopped in the doorway, sees Xena and Ares from the back, with Ares' arms around Xena and Xena leaning back a little.

IOLAUS:
     Hercules? Is that Ares trying to strangle Xena? (he steps closer and gets a better view, just as Ares and Xena pull apart) Oh--never mind...

A close-up of the shocked look on Iolaus' face.

Meanwhile, the camera pans over to Hercules, who is still choking. Before anyone can do anything, Darion hurls himself at Hercules, knocking them both over. As Hercules lands flat on his back, the pastry goes flying across the room. Hercules takes some deep breaths, his life saved. Darion stands up, looking rather pleased with himself as the hero of the night. Hercules scrambles to his feet.

ARES (sourly):
     Surprise, surprise.

Xena gives Ares a swift look, then moves quickly towards Hercules.

XENA:
     I can't--I can't believe it!

She hugs first Hercules, and then Iolaus. Gabrielle comes over quickly and also embraces the pair.

HERCULES:
     Who's my young savior, here?

DARION:
     I'm Darion, I travel with Xena and Gabrielle.

XENA:
     Oh! And you must meet my daughter Eve--and Joxer's son, Virgil--and--

Everyone moves over and introduces themselves. Ares stays back and then fades away.

GABRIELLE (to Iolaus):
     I thought you were dead--we heard--

IOLAUS:
     So did we. (he shakes his head). I didn't think we'd ever make it back to Greece, but then Aphrodite told us that you were alive, and--we just had to see you again. (he takes a look at her brown leather outfit). Well, look at you! Little Gabrielle, all grown up. You're definitely not the village girl I used to know...

GABRIELLE (laughing a little bitterly):
     No. Not anymore.

Pan to Xena, Eve and Hercules.

HERCULES:
     I saw you on the day you were born, Eve--you've grown up to become a beautiful woman, just like your mother.

EVE (uneasily):
     Thank you.

HERCULES (to Virgil):
     And you're Joxer's son--I was so sorry to hear of his death--he was... (pauses, searching for an appropriate description) ...one of a kind.

VIRGIL (awkwardly, looking between Hercules and Eve):
     Thank you.

XENA (takes pity on the pair):
     Maybe you two can get us something to drink--

Eve and Virgil speak simultaneously, then stop.

EVE:
     Oh--all right-I--

VIRGIL:
     I think it's this way, Eve--

They look at each other and smile, then walk over to the table together.

XENA:
     Hercules--so much has changed since you left...

HERCULES:
     Except you--you look just the same as ever! (then he frowns) Wait, wait--I know I saw something before, just before I choked on that pastry... Did I see Ares?

XENA (uncomfortably):
     Yes, you did.

HERCULES:
     Last time you had a party, he sent Discord to ruin it. What's he up to now? (frowns again as the memory comes back to him) Wait--were you two--

Ares appears behind Xena and puts his hand on her shoulder. Hercules stares.

ARES:
     Maybe I shouldn't have left the decorating up to Aphrodite after all. (he looks around, then stares directly at Hercules) Some of the decorations really are looking the worse for wear.

APHRODITE (walking by):
     It's called "retro", bro!

XENA (in a warning tone):
     It's called my birthday. I don't want any trouble--I mean it. From either of you. (grins a little) Be nice.

Eve and Virgil return with drinks, and Eve absently hands one to Xena and one to Ares while Virgil is handing out smaller cups to the children. Hercules stares.

HERCULES:
     You and Ares--?

ARES (sarcastic):
     Aren't you full of insights, little brother.

DARION (excited, to Ares):
     He's your brother?

HERCULES (pointedly):
     Half-brother.

XENA:
     Hercules, look--as I said, a lot has changed--a lot has happened while you were away--

HERCULES (smiles a little, trying to be lighthearted but still worried and slightly bitter):
     You lost your mind?

IOLAUS (comes up):
     Now, come on, Herc, that's not really fair to Xena. She always has good reasons for everything she does. (pulls Hercules aside and whispers rather loudly) Look, she's probably just pretending to play along with Ares as part of some plan--

Gabrielle coughs loudly; Ares glowers while Xena gives him an uncomfortable look and then directs a steely gaze at Iolaus.

VIRGIL (bravely):
     How about a toast?

XENA (glaring):
     Good idea. (she pauses as Virgil hands goblets to Iolaus and Hercules, and Eve to Gabrielle and Aphrodite) To friends. (empathically) Old and new.

There's a short silence. Xena coughs meaningfully.

ALL (muttering in unison as they raise their goblets):
     To friends, old and new...

Everyone drinks (Hercules and Ares glaring at each other over the rims of their goblets). Aphrodite drains her goblet first and puts it down, then claps her hands, laughing and squealing with joy.

APHRODITE:
     Cool! Now let's--

FEMALE VOICE (off-camera):
     Xena!

The party is interrupted by a crash as the barn door swings open and somebody bursts in. Xena steps forward.

XENA (disbelievingly):
     Greba?

She turns to Gabrielle, staring at her in shock as we:

FADE OUT

END OF ACT ONE