7.11 Restoration

ACT TWO

FADE IN

Xena is standing in a forest, seeming to be waiting for something. Hades appears in front of her in a chariot driven by three moth-eaten black horses. The paint on the chariot is peeling and the wheels are squeaking. With a sound like nails on a blackboard, it finally jerks to a halt.

HADES:
     That's it. From now on, I'm walking.

XENA (sympathetically):
     Things not looking so good in the Underworld?

HADES:
     You have no idea. Cobwebs everywhere. Graffiti all over my throne. Charon decided to turn his boat into a trireme and now transports the new arrivals only once a day, at double the price... Even as I speak, some new disaster is no doubt unfolding.

XENA:
     Well then--why don't you do something about it?

HADES:
     Xena, I am only one god, with an entire domain to look after!

XENA:
     What about the shades? Can't they help?

HADES:
     Oh, they are no use. They just walk around moping about their past lives.

XENA:
     So what you need is a real labor force.

HADES:
     Who would agree to take a job in the Underworld?! The working conditions aren't exactly up to scratch.

XENA:
     Maybe what you really need is more worshippers. You know, the other gods are working on rebuilding their fan base since they've been back...why not you?

Hades looks down and then back at her.

Hades

HADES (squirming a little):
     Well, to tell you the truth, Xena, it's not like I had a really huge fan base to begin with. (dejectedly) People don't seem to think there's much point in worshipping the God of the Dead. The kind of job I have doesn't exactly win you many friends. (remembers to be suspicious) But what would that matter to you?

XENA:
     Come on, Hades. We're friends, aren't we? (slightly embarrassed) Assuming that we can put certain...past differences aside.

HADES:
     I guess that's fair enough. So what do you suggest?

XENA:
     Well, I was thinking. You do know that Athena and Hera are fighting over which one of them is to be the patron deity of Neopolis?

HADES:
     Of course. It's even made the gossip circuit in the Underworld--particularly in the gamblers' pen. I never realized just how many dead gamblers we had down there! I tried to set Cerberus on them, but he took a punt on Athena.

XENA:
     But Hades, the thing is, Athena and Hera both have plenty of temples and worshipers already. And now they want to get their hands on this new town as well? Why not let someone else have a chance?

HADES:
     But Cerberus...

XENA (frustrated):
     Not Cerberus! You!

HADES:
     Me? (thinks about it) Yeah. And why not? (getting excited) I could have a temple! A real one, with what do you call them... Priests? Slaves?

XENA:
     A labor force. For the redecorations.

HADES:
     Sounds good to me. (suspicious again) But what's in it for you?

XENA:
     Well, you know me, Hades. I have this thing about fighting injustice.

HADES:
     I also know you have this thing for trying to cheat death...

XENA:
     I don't cheat. I just play hardball.

HADES:
     This had better not be about trying to score points with me when you end up in my domain.

XENA:
     Hey, don't write me off yet! Listen, it you're not interested...

HADES:
     No, no, I'm definitely interested. Thanks for the tip, Xena. I got work to do.

With horrendous creaking and squeaking, the chariot rumbles out of sight, flashing red in the distance.

CUT TO

Olympus. Athena and Hera are bickering again. Behind them, some of the columns have fallen; they had obviously gone at it by using their powers against each other.

ATHENA:
     The town is mine!

HERA:
     Oh, really? Well, we'll just see about that.

Hades lumbers in his creaky chariot.

HADES:
     Not so fast, ladies.

Athena and Hera look up at him.

HERA (turning up her nose):
     Must you ride that wreck everywhere? It really crashes with the decor.

HADES (raising an eyebrow):
     Crashes?

HERA:
     Oh, did I say "crashes"? I meant "clashes", of course.

HADES (looking around):
     Well, it's not the only thing that's doing some crashing around here.

ATHENA:
     Uncle. How are things?

HADES:
     Could be better. I mean, you all got to go back to Olympus. I'm mostly stuck in the Underworld whether I'm alive or dead. Oh well, at least now I have more elbow room.

HERA:
     So, what brings you to Olympus-- (looking him over in distaste) --looking like that?

ATHENA (to Hera):
     They must have heard your screeching all the way down to the Underworld.

HERA:
     Why, you-- (raises her hand, preparing to launch a fireball)

HADES:
     Ladies! Ladies! Please! Can we avoid any more property damage?

HERA:
     Don't tell me you have some ideas about how to settle our disagreement.

HADES:
     As a matter of fact, I do.

CUT TO

A courtyard of a mansion in town. A small marble statue of Hera stands on a pedestal amidst flowers and greenery. A group of townsfolk, mostly women, are sitting around on benches. Gabrielle is sitting in the center of the circle.

WOMAN #1:
     We agree with you, Gabrielle. We hate to see all this squabbling over whom the town should worship.

MAN #1:
     We want the fighting to stop.

WOMAN #2:
     But we just feel so strongly that Hera is the best patron goddess our town could possibly have. What's an Academy of Sciences to the average person? A kindergarten, on the other hand....

WOMAN #1:
     And not just any kindergarten! One with little beds of pure gold for the afternoon nap...

MAN #2:
     ...rocking horses made of mahogany and plated with gold leaf...

WOMAN #2:
     ...marble columns...

WOMAN #3:
     And don't forget the musicians to soothe and entertain the little ones! Harpists, flute girls...

MAN #1 (perks up):
     Flute girls?

Woman #1 gives him a sharp look and slaps his hand.

GABRIELLE:
     That does sound wonderful. So Neopolis doesn't have a kindergarten right now?

WOMAN #2:
     The one we have is so run down, it looks more like a barn.

MAN #2 (embarrassed):
     Our town hasn't been around that long, Gabrielle. We don't have the money for a really good kindergarten.

WOMAN #3:
     And the little ones don't have much to do except play ball and hide-and-seek...

The people nod in agreement.

GABRIELLE:
     You know something? Wouldn't it be nice if the kids in a kindergarten could do something that would let them have fun and learn something useful at the same time?

WOMAN #1 (chuckles):
     Tell that to the lady who runs our kindergarten. She's lucky if she can keep those kids from poking each other's eyes out with a stick.

GABRIELLE:
     It must be tough for her, caring for so many kids all by herself.

WOMAN #2:
     Well, that's why Hera is the one we need. With her help, our kids will really have the best of everything!

GABRIELLE:
     Well, what if there was some other way of getting what you want for your kids?

MAN #1 (puzzled):
     Another god?

There is a clamoring in the distance.

GABRIELLE:
     Uh-oh. Sounds like things are heating up again.

CUT TO

The main square. The two crowds are still on different sides of the red ribbon, getting agitated. Chants of "A-the-na! A-the-na!" and "He-ra! He-ra!" are heard. The mayor is no longer there but a few councilors are milling about on the platform looking worried.

ATHENA CHEERLEADERS (start their routine):
     She's a living legend
     With one-two-three--three!--skills...

HERA CHEERLEADERS (start their routine on the other side of the square):
     Old fashioned family values
     These days are hard to find...

Their chants are drowning each other out. The crowds are getting more and more agitated and start jostling each other. The cheerleaders are getting jostled too as they perform their routines--one even gets knocked to the ground--but they heroically continue. Finally, a few people on Athena's side of the square push forward and the ribbon is torn down. Somebody throws a punch and it looks like a riot is about to begin, when a loud clash of cymbals brings everything to a standstill.

From a side street, three women enter. They are dressed in tight, entirely black leather costumes, with long-sleeved though rather low-cut shirts. Their hair is tightly pulled back. These are Hades' cheerleaders, wearing appropriately grim attire for worshipers of the God of the Underworld. They are followed by a small group of people some of whom are carrying cymbals, which they strike again with a deafening noise.

HADES CHEERLEADERS (chanting as they start their own gymnastic routine):
     Ha-des, Ha-des, he's our God,
     Ruler of the Underworld...

HEAD CHEERLEADER (interrupts a cartwheel and gets up, sounding very displeased):
     No, no, no! It's "our Lord"! I told you, it has to rhyme!

ANOTHER CHEERLEADER (sheepishly):
     Well, it's not like we've had a lot of time to practice...

HEAD CHEERLEADER:
     Let's take it from the top.

The people following the cheerleaders strike the cymbals again, causing many of the people in the crowd to wince and raise their hands to cover their ears.

HADES CHEERLEADERS (doing their gymnastic moves):
     Ha-des, Ha-des, he's our Lord!
     Ruler of the Underworld!
     He will have the final word!

The Hades worshipers take up a chant of "Ha-des! Ha-des!"

HADES WORSHIPER #1:
     Forget Athena!

HADES WORSHIPER #2:
     Forget Hera!

HADES WORSHIPER #3:
     Hades rules!

HADES WORSHIPER #1:
     Let's build a temple to Hades!

The Hades cheerleaders take up their chant again. The Athena and Hera cheerleaders, having recovered from their surprise, also resume their acts.

The camera pans over to Xena, who is standing at the edge of the square with a slight, satisfied, catlike smile on her face. After surveying the chaotic scene for a while, she turns around and walks away down one of the narrow streets leading away from the square.

There is a flash of blue light, and Ares materializes in front of her.

ARES:
     So--let me see if I get this straight. The people in this town are about to come to fisticuffs because they can't agree on which of two goddesses to worship. And your solution is to...bring in a third god?

XENA (grins):
     Oh, you noticed.

ARES (winces at the noise):
     Good thing gods don't get headaches. With all due respect, Xena, this is the worst idea you ever had.

XENA (smiles slyly):
     I thought that was when I took you to the farm to hide you from the warlords.

A loud cheer erupts in the background; Ares flinches.

ARES:
     I just changed my mind.

XENA:
     Don't know what you're complaining about. Everything's working out perfectly.

ARES:
     So what's the point of bringing my uncle into this?

XENA:
     If nothing else, it buys us some time.

Ares

ARES:
     Buys us some time? Time is good...

Xena smirks.

ARES:
     Good plan.

FADE OUT

END OF ACT TWO