ACT FOUR

FADE IN

An assembly in the main square of Neopolis. The red ribbon is gone. The mayor, the city council members and other important persons in town are seated on the wooden platform, as are the three representatives of the gods. Behind the wooden platform is a new structure--a high dais draped with gold brocade. Gabrielle, Eve, Xena, and Virgil are standing in the front row of the crowd before the platform. With them are four very serious-looking people, three men and one woman.

The cheerleaders come out and start their acts in the space between the platform and the crowd. This time, however, they take turns.

GABRIELLE (winces):
     Well, I certainly hope this is the last time we have to listen to this!

Aphrodite and Ares materialize next to Xena and Gabrielle.

ARES:
     Ah. The warm-up for the big event.

XENA:
     A warm-up? I must say it leaves me quite cold.

APHRODITE (giggles):
     Well, it's making me hot. The guys anyway. (cranes her neck to get a better look at the men as they do their high kicks) Wow! Sexy!

Ares rolls his eyes. The cheers continue until there are three bright flashes of light and Hera, Athena, and Hades appear on the dais. The cheerleaders move to the side. There are gasps in the crowd.

ARES (to Aphrodite):
     So, I wonder who's going to win. I bet on Uncle Hades.

APHRODITE:
     I bet on Athena.

ARES (looks at Aphrodite):
     You wanna back up that bet, dear Sis?

APHRODITE:
     Of course. You know I'm always right, Bro.

ARES:
     We'll see about that. Let's see...if I'm right, you have to go for a whole week dressed like a Hestian virgin.

APHRODITE:
     And if I win, you have to stay away from Xena for a whole week.

XENA (grins at Ares and then at Aphrodite):
     That wouldn't be such a bad thing.

ARES:
     Oh, come on. You'd miss me.

XENA:
     Guess you'll have to lose the bet to find out.

ARES:
     All right. I'm not one to back out of anything.

APHRODITE:
     You're on, Slick.

GABRIELLE:
     Shhh! The assembly is about to start.

The crowd quiets down as the mayor rises.

MAYOR:
     As all of you know, we have quite a predicament on our hands. We have two... (one of the councilmen tugs at his sleeve and whispers something in his ear) ...three gods who are all competing to be the patron deities of our wonderful town. Today, we are going to settle this problem. Each one of these revered deities (he turns around and bows to the gods) will make their case, and then we will take a vote on which one of them our fair city will worship.

Chants of "He-ra, He-ra," "A-the-na, A-the-na" and "Ha-des, Ha-des" go up in the crowd. The mayor holds out his arms, bidding the people to be quiet.

MAYOR:
     Please! Let us proceed.

He turns and bows to the gods again, then sits down.

ATHENA:
     Good people of Neopolis! I, Athena, Goddess of Wisdom and Warfare, wish to give you a magnificent gift if you dedicate this town and this new temple to my worship.

ARES (whispers to Xena):
     She forgot to mention weaving.

ATHENA:
     I will create for you a grand Academy of Sciences, where the most revered scholars, philosophers, and scientists in all of Greece will come to teach their knowledge. It will make Neopolis the envy of all of Greece. Right up there with Athens--which, of course, became celebrated around the world under my patronage.

ARES (to Xena):
     Sis makes quite a sales pitch.

XENA:
     Runs in the family.

ARES (innocent look):
     Who, me? When were you ever impressed by my sales pitch?

Xena gives him a mock glare, then turns back to the platform.

ATHENA:
     So think about your decision carefully, my good people. Think about all the great things you will be able to achieve with my guidance.

Athena steps back while Hera steps forward.

HERA:
     Men and women of Neopolis! Wives and mothers! Husbands and fathers! What is it that you cherish more than anything in the world? (she pauses for dramatic effect)

FAT, RUDDY-FACED MAN IN THE FRONT OF THE CROWD (calls out obsequiously):
     The gods?

HERA (smiles):
     That's a very nice thought. But I meant, of course, your children. If you choose me as your patron goddess, I will give this city the most spectacular kindergarten Greece has ever seen. It will have golden beds and marble columns. Worship me and dedicate your temple to Hera, and Neopolis will become the child welfare capital of the known world.

Hera steps back. There are murmurs in the crowd as Hades steps up.

HADES (gruffly):
     Well, I don't really have anything to offer this town. I kinda got into the race at the last minute. I just figured I've never had many worshipers before and...well, nobody wants to be a second-class god. Besides, I need major help with renovations in the underworld--the place has really gone to the dogs. So, if you worship me, your little town here will have the distinction of having the biggest temple of Hades in all Greece, and you will have the pleasure of getting to know me while you're still alive.

ARES (mutters):
     There goes my bet...

MAYOR (bows to the gods):
     Thank you, O magnificent ones. (turns back to the crowd) Well, now that you've heard what the gods have to say, let's vote.

XENA (steps forward):
     Hold it. Gabrielle and I would like to say something first.

ATHENA'S REP (glares at her):
     This is highly irregular.

MAYOR (nervously):
     Uh...after everything Xena's done for us...I think it's only fair to let her speak.

Xena and Gabrielle go up on the platform and turn to the crowd. Gabrielle is carrying a satchel.

GABRIELLE:
     Good people of Neopolis! You've been arguing over which god you want to worship and trying to decide which gift you want more, the Academy or the kindergarten. But actually, you already have a kindergarten. It's just in bad shape because no one's been really taking care of it. Well, while you've been squabbling, some of the parents have organized a volunteer effort to turn the kindergarten into something the town can be really proud of. (cut to Hera's face in close-up--she looks shocked.) And in just two days, they've been able to work wonders.

WOMAN IN THE CROWD:
     It's true! When I was dropping off my little Nicos this morning, I couldn't believe my eyes!

HERA'S REP (contemptuously):
     Oh really? Well, that's very nice, but Hera is offering us a kindergarten with marble columns and golden beds. I'm dying to know if our volunteers can match that.

GABRIELLE:
     Who needs marble columns and golden beds in a kindergarten? That's not for the children--that's for Hera's glory. (Hera glowers) What children really need are games that would let them have some fun and develop their minds at the same time. Something like this. (she opens the satchel and shakes out a pile of building blocks)

HERA'S REP (scoffs):
     Little wooden cubes. How fabulous.

GABRIELLE:
     They're not just little wooden cubes. You can use them to make anything--a castle, a boat, a bridge...use your imagination. You can also use them to learn to add, subtract and multiply. And some of them have letters on them so that the kids can learn to write by putting words together.

An appreciative murmur goes up in the crowd as Gabrielle collects the building blocks and puts them back in the satchel.

ATHENA (to Hera, sarcastically):
     Sounds to me like she made a pretty good case.

ATHENA'S REP:
     I told you all along. Athena's the one!

XENA:
     Just a minute. I'd like to introduce you all to some people.

She motions to Eve, Virgil, and the four people standing with them. They come up to the platform.

XENA:
     This is our good friend Virgil. He'd like to tell you something.

VIRGIL:
     People of Neopolis, it's an honor to speak to you. While you were trying to decide which god is to be your patron, my... (he hesitates for a moment) my good friend Eve and I went to Thebes to bring over some of its best scholars and scientists to this town. (he points at the four, from left to right) This is Anicolis, a mathematician; Hypatia, an astronomer; Reolis, a botanist; and Comeus, a philosopher. They have agreed to teach at your Academy of Sciences.

Athena purses her lips, very displeased.

ATHENA'S REP:
     And where are you going to get a building to house this academy? Would you be so kind as to tell us that?

XENA (points to the temple under construction):
     There's your academy!

The gods and their representatives exchange stunned glances. A murmur goes up in the crowd.

EVE:
     You see, you don't really need the gods to give you what's best for you or your children. If you put your mind to it, you could do it all on your own.

The murmurs grow louder.

WOMAN #1:
     She's right!

MAN #1:
     Do you think Athena or Hera are really interested in our welfare? All they care about is stroking their own egos!

TEENAGE GIRL (at the top of her lungs):
     People need gods like a fish needs a chariot!

Laughter erupts.

TEENAGE GIRL'S MOTHER:
     Shush, Gloria! That's not a very ladylike thing to say.

GABRIELLE (to Xena):
     Catchy slogan. I should keep it in mind.

Pandemonium now reigns on the square. There are shouts of "No more gods!", "Gods! Who needs them!", and "Go back to Olympus!"

MAYOR (steps forward in consternation):
     Quiet...quiet, please!

The noise continues. Then, Xena dismounts from the platform in a flip, letting out her ululating battle cry, "A-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi!" and silence is immediately restored.

MAYOR (wipes his forehead):
     Are you saying that now, you don't want to vote for any of the gods?

MAN #2:
     No, wait! Personally, I thought Hades was pretty cool.

WOMAN #2:
     Yeah! A no-nonsense guy.

MAN #1:
     He's out for himself too, but at least he's up-front about it.

SEVERAL PEOPLE IN CROWD:
     Yeah! Let's vote for Hades.

A chant of "Ha-des! Ha-des! Ha-des!" goes up. Hera and Athena glower; Hades is obviously happy but trying not to show it. Hera's rep looks dismayed; Athena's rep looks disapproving, and Hades' rep--Goth Girl--beams for a moment before she remembers to look grim as always.

MAYOR:
     So...let's have a show of hands. Who's voting for Hades? (more than half of the people raise their hands) I guess that means Hades wins.

Hades worshipers cheer. Hera and Athena disappear.

MAYOR (to Hades):
     My lord Hades, you are now the patron god of our town. We'll dedicate a temple to you... (fidgets) I hope you don't mind if it's only a small one. And I'm sure you'll find volunteers who will be glad to help you with your renovation work.

HADES (still trying to maintain a cool facade):
     Of course, of course. Anyone who helps me out will get a tour of the underworld at no cost... (smiles thinly) ...to their lives, that is.

There are scattered, slightly nervous laughs in the crowd as Hades disappears.

ARES (looks at Aphrodite):
     What's it like to lose, Sis?

APHRODITE:
     I'll ask you next time the Warrior Babe kicks your ass.

ARES:
     Hey. I think a little change in wardrobe is in order. A bet's a bet.

Aphrodite whines and pouts and stamps her feet, then finally clicks her fingers. Golden sparks fly, and in an instant, Aphrodite is dressed in a severe white dress buttoned all the way up to her neck, with a wrap around her shoulders.

XENA (comes up):
     Aphrodite! (looks her over incredulously) Where's the rest of you?

APHRODITE:
     Very funny.

She glares at Ares, then disappears. Ares looks at Xena.

ARES:
     So...people need gods like a fish needs a chariot, huh?

XENA (smiles slightly):
     Oh, some of you are fun to have around. (as a smile starts spreading on his face, she continues) Like Aphrodite, for instance.

ARES:
     We-ell, just remember, I won the bet. So I can still annoy you whenever I like.

XENA (smiles almost affectionately):
     I'm sure you will.

Ares disappears. Gabrielle, Virgil and Eve approach.

XENA:
     Well, our work here is done.

GABRIELLE:
     Yeah.

VIRGIL (to Gabrielle):
     Say, where did you get those little cubes you showed at the assembly today? I wish I'd had something like that when I was a kid!

GABRIELLE (smiles proudly but a little shyly):
     I invented them.

VIRGIL:
     Wow. I guess Xena isn't the only one who has many skills.

EVE:
     So, what are you going to do, Virgil? You coming with us?

VIRGIL (looks at her and slowly shakes his head):
     No. I think I'll stay here for a while...help with that academy.

She puts her hand on his for a moment.

EVE:
     It was really good to spend some time with you, Virgil.

VIRGIL:
     Good to see you again, Eve. Take care of yourself. (looks at Xena and Gabrielle) All three of you.

XENA:
     We will.

GABRIELLE:
     Good to see you again, Virgil. (she kisses him on the cheek) See you around.

VIRGIL:
     Soon, I hope. Goodbye!

Virgil turns around and walks away through the crowd, which is already dispersing. Gabrielle, Eve and Xena watch him for a moment.

XENA:
     All right, let's get our things at the inn and get moving.

They start walking.

GABRIELLE:
     You know, I really do think Eli was right. People can take care of themselves without the gods. It just never meant that the gods had to die.

XENA (pensively):
     You're right.

GABRIELLE:
     Besides, like you said, they're fun to have around.

XENA:
     Yeah.

GABRIELLE (teasing):
     And, of course, that doesn't have anything to do with any particular god.

XENA:
     Of course it does.

Their voices start fading as they walk away.

GABRIELLE:
     It does?

XENA (deadpan):
     Sure. Don't you think Hades is a laugh a minute?

Xena, Gabrielle and Eve walk away as we:

FADE OUT

THE END

[The egos of some Greek goddesses were damaged during the production of this motion picture.]

Xena: Warrior Princess Shipper Seasons Season 7 Episode 11 Restoration Story By: Tango and LadyKate Written By: Aurora, LadyKate and Tango Collage By: Aurora Images Gathered By: Aurora Cast Xena Lucy Lawless Gabrielle Renee O'Connor Eve Adrienne Wilkinson Ares Kevin Smith Virgil William Gregory Lee Hera Meg Foster Athena Paris Jefferson Aphrodite Alexandra Tydings Hades Stephen Lovatt Mayor Bryan Ford Original Airdate January 19, 2002 The egos of some Greek goddesses were damaged during the production of this motion picture. DEDICATED TO KEVIN SMITH All characters and storylines that have appeared in the syndicated series Xena: Warrior Princess are a copyright and trademark of Universal and Renaissance Pictures. No infringement was intended during the writing of this script. All original characters and storylines are a copyright of the respective authors and of the Shipper Seasons. No script may be reproduced on a website elsewhere without the author's consent. © Shipper Seasons www.shipperseasons.com

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