FADE IN

A dark, forbidding room with stone walls, black fabric and skulls and weapons adorning the walls. A portal swirls in the room in front of a large, high-backed chair. Someone is sitting on the throne, but all we can see is a hand, long black fingernails and a black and silver gauntlet. The hand is clearly that of a woman.

In the portal, an image forms and a village comes into view, with a gradual zoom on people in the streets.

We move through the portal toward the village as a cackle is heard over the screen.

CUT TO

A town with a large crowd of people. Everyone is fighting each other; the scene is total chaos.

We see shots of:

-- a woman holding a man in a headlock and sticking her finger in his ear.

-- a man and a woman near a food stall throwing eggs, fruit and bread at each other.

-- Aphrodite slapping Gabrielle with a herring and then getting a squid thrown at her face, by Xena, who then gets tackled by Ares.

-- Horace running through the crowd, barking, with Darion chasing after him.

-- a man pushing a woman's face into a meringue pie, and then gets a pie thrown in his face by another man standing next to him.

-- a couple of young boys wrestling, and one of them trying to make the other one eat a bug.

-- Xena and Ares wrestling on the ground with Aphrodite pelting them with eggs, while Gabrielle sneaks up behind Dite and tries to hog-tie her with a piece of rope.

-- Xena goes to punch Ares in the face but Horace jumps up and bites her arm. She jerks back as the dog runs off.

-- Gabrielle pushes Aphrodite into a puddle of mud; Aphrodite lets out an angry groan, looking at her ruined clothes.

A woman dressed in rich but severe attire comes out of a nearby building. She looks around in confusion for a few moments, then comes out into the middle of the crowd and yells at the top of her lungs.

MAGISTRATE:
     Quiet!!!

Everyone freezes at the same time and gives the woman full attention.

MAGISTRATE (looks impressed with herself, then clears her throat):
     That's better. I've been in meetings with the rest of the town council all day, so I have no idea what is going on here, but someone had better have an explanation!

The magistrate scans the crowd, waiting for someone to respond, then she notices Xena, Gabrielle, Ares and Aphrodite. All four look extremely filthy and disheveled now. The magistrate eyes them suspiciously, then makes her way over to them.

MAGISTRATE:
     You're strangers here, and (looks them up and down) you all seem to be perpetrating several health code violations, not to mention the fashion felonies you're committing...

She points at Aphrodite, who is wearing her furry pink costume from "Love Amazon Style." Ares smirks at this insult, and Aphrodite looks appalled.

APHRODITE:
     Do you think this color washes me out?

MAGISTRATE (ignores her):
     You're coming with me on a little trip downtown (she pauses for emphasis, relishing the drama of the situation) so I can figure out what in Zeus' name is going on here.

Xena, Ares and Gabrielle look like they are each about to speak when they are interrupted.

APHRODITE (confused):
     But Zeus had nothing to do with this!

MAGISTRATE:
     What?

XENA (elbows Dite in the ribs):
     She's right, Zeus isn't responsible. It was probably just a cranky ex-goddess with too much time on her hands (she glares at Dite pointedly).

APHRODITE:
     Or maybe a grouchy Warrior Princess with no fashion sense!

ARES (jumps into the bickering):
     Grouchy? That's putting it mildly! My dog Gregus had a sweeter disposition, and he used to eat the bodies of the dead!

GABRIELLE:
     Yeah, and you're, what? Some kind of saint? Ever since you lost your godhood, you've been nothing but a lazy mooch!

APHRODITE:
     Hey, just because some of us are accustomed to a certain standard of living--

XENA:
     You know, there's a word for people like that--

MAGISTRATE (annoyed):
      Cut it out!

They look back at her, as if they forgot she was there.

MAGISTRATE:
     Come with me, now!

CUT TO

A single candle, glowing brightly in the center of a long table.

Xena, Gabrielle, Ares and Aphrodite are crowded shoulder-to-shoulder in chairs behind the small wooden table.

Ares is holding an icepack to his head, where he has a bruise on his temple and a black eye. Xena has her arm wrapped in a bandage where Horace bit her and Gabrielle and Aphrodite have various small scratches on their arms and faces. Aphrodite's hair and clothes are covered in flecks of dried mud. She still doesn't look pleased as she tries to clean herself off, getting more disgusted by the minute.

The magistrate stands on the other side with her hands on the table, propping her up as she leans forward to thrust her face forward threateningly.

MAGISTRATE:
     I want to hear from each of you exactly what happened. And I want the truth, or things might get...uncomfortable for you.

Xena, Gabrielle, Ares and Dite look at each other guardedly as we:

FADE OUT

END OF TEASER