The campfire setting from the beginning of Ares' story. Xena is cleaning the rabbit, and Gabrielle is working on getting the fire started, and Darion is picking up sticks. Everyone seems to be working hard except Ares, who is still lying in his bedroll.

Xena nudges Ares with her foot, first gently, then harder.

ARES (barely stirs, still dreaming):
     Mo-om, I don't want to kill Hercules right now! I'm (yawns) too tired...

XENA:
     I am definitely not your mother. It's time to get up. (reaches down and shakes his shoulder) Do you want breakfast, or not?

ARES (starts to come around, then looks at Xena doubtfully):
     Who cooked it?

GABRIELLE:
     I'm going to cook it, but it's not ready yet.

ARES (sits up, looking relieved):
     Right, then. Wake me when it's ready.

Xena looks at the knife she's holding, then looks back at Ares, who has already gone back to sleep in his bedroll. She shakes her head, then goes back to skinning the rabbit.

Xena picks up a metal bucket, grabs one of Gabrielle's spoons, then puts it right next to Ares' head.

XENA (with wicked glee):
     Wakey-wakey, God of War!

Baby Samuel starts to cry in the background as Xena continues to pound on the bucket.

ARES (groans):
     All right, all right! I'm up! I'm up!

XENA (enjoys watching Ares stumbling to his feet):
     Sleep well?

ARES (very whiny):
     Xeeenaaa...being mortal is bruuuutal. You have nooo idea.

XENA (sarcastically):
     Yeah, it must be very hard for you.

GABRIELLE (looks at Ares):
     Hey, could you finish packing up the bedrolls?

ARES (lethargically):
     You know I would...but I just have (yawns) no energy in the mornings.

GABRIELLE (annoyed):
     Forget it. Darion, would you please pack up Ares' bedroll for him?

ARES (arrogantly):
     When I was a god, I could have just snapped my fingers like this (snaps his fingers) and it would have been done. Actually, I wouldn't even have had to do the snapping thing. That bit was just for show; mortals eat that stuff up, you know?

XENA (rolls her eyes):
     Yeah, I bet they did...Hey, since you're not doing anything at all helpful, could you bring me a bucket of water from the stream? I'm going to need some to finish cleaning this rabbit.

ARES:
     My arms are soooo sore, Xena! I wasn't meant to sleep on the ground. When I was a--

XENA:
     Oh, forget it, I'll take care of it. You've been through a lot lately.

Xena gets up angrily and stomps over to Ares and grabs the bucket, which is right beside him.

ARES (tries to be seductive while not lifting a finger to hand her the bucket):
     Maybe later tonight you could help me work these kinks out...

Xena gives him a "go to Tartarus" look and stalks off.

XENA (voice-over):
     No thanks to Ares, we finally managed to get on the road...

CUT TO

The same road where Xena, Ares, Gabrielle and Darion were walking in Ares' tale. Xena and Ares are walking off by themselves, and Gabrielle and Darion are a little behind them.

ARES (extremely whiny):
     But, Xeeeena, when can we take a break? My feet hurt, and my mortal legs aren't used to this strain!

XENA (exasperated):
     Ares, we just took a break three minutes ago. (tries to look sympathetic) You can rest when we get to the farmhouse. Plus, you'll get to see your sister and Hephaestus. You'll feel better once we get there.

ARES:
     But...Xeeeeena...Don't you think Gabrielle and Darion look tired?

Pan to Gabrielle, who is bouncing Samuel and raising him up in the air, and Darion, who is skipping happily in circles around them.

XENA (sarcastic):
     Yeah. They look exhausted. (pauses) They're fine. Anyway, if you're too tired, why don't you ride the horse for a while?

Ares looks doubtfully at the horse Xena is leading.

ARES:
     It doesn't like me. Why can't we ever do what I want?

XENA (exasperated):
     Fine, whatever. (after a moment) Can't you at least pick up the pace a little?

ARES (exaggeratedly):
     I could...If I were...I don't know...A GOD.

XENA (trying to be sympathetic):
     Do we really have to go over this again and again? I'm sorry you lost your immortality, but...you're going to have to learn to adjust.

ARES (losing his temper):
     Adjust? I was a god. I was going to live forever. I never had to sleep, much less sleep on the filthy ground. And you want me to get over it?

XENA (getting angrier):
     All I ask is that you try! Take the lead from the rest of us, we can help you, show you how humans do things.

ARES (sarcastically):
     Oh, so I can be your humble servant? Maybe you'd like me to wash your feet?

XENA:
      I can wash my own feet, thank you.

ARES (voice-over):
     Hey, were you implying I don't wash my feet?

XENA (voice-over):
     Well, can you?

ARES (crossing his arms over his chest):
     That's not the point.

DISSOLVE TO

Xena and Ares walking, a little later in the day. They're still arguing.

XENA (trying to sound rational):
     Ares, I'm just saying, you could help out a little more often.

ARES:
     Well, maybe if you wouldn't nag me all the time, I would!

XENA (losing control):
     You know, I'm starting to appreciate the old Ares, God of War. I wish--

ARES (challengingly):
     What?

XENA (sighs):
     Nothing. I just...It was a lot easier when you had your powers. You could just zap in and out and--

ARES:
     Oh, I get it. You wish I'd just go away!

XENA (frustrated):
     Ares, no, I just...I haven't had any time to myself lately, and I'm used to being able to just go off on my own for a while, but now that Gabrielle has a baby, and you're here...

ARES:
     I'm sorry I'm such a burden to you, Xena. Maybe I'll just stay with Aphrodite and Hephaestus for a while. I bet they won't ask me to wipe the blood off their chakram!

XENA (yelling):
     They don't have a chakram!

ARES (yelling):
     Then I won't have to wipe the blood off it, will I?

Xena, Ares, Gabrielle and Darion are standing on an ornately-sculptured lawn with shrubbery that has been trimmed into statues of a curvaceous female form. The group is staring, their mouths all hanging open.

XENA (voice-over):
     We arrived at my grandparents' old farmhouse, where Aphrodite and Hephaestus have been staying...

We pan to a shot of the spot where the old farmhouse used to be, only now it has been remodeled to the point that it is almost unrecognizable. There is gleaming white siding and the roof has been painted gold, and there are short little cupid statues scattered all over the yard, and the path leading up to the house passes through a hedge that is shaped like a heart.

GABRIELLE:
     Are you sure this is the right place?

XENA (about to lose it):
     APHRODIIIIIIIIITE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

XENA (voice-over):
     I was a little...surprised.

Aphrodite runs out of the house, banging the door behind her, obviously upset. Hephaestus is running after her, yelling.

HEPHAESTUS (yelling):
     We can't afford a hot tub!!!

APHRODITE (pouting):
     But it's an investment!

HEPHAESTUS:
     No, it's not--do you have any idea what the economy is like right now?

APHRODITE (turns to face him, skeptical):
     Since when do you care about the economy?

HEPHAESTUS:
     Since we became mortal and you started spending every dinar as fast as you get your greedy hands on it, that's when!

APHRODITE (insulted):
     You mean ever since you started reading those self-help books. "Finding Your Inner Miser!"

HEPHAESTUS (defensive):
     Salmoneus has helped a lot of people, you know. He made a lot of money after he--

APHRODITE (gives him a challenging look):
     He what?

HEPHAESTUS:
     --after he got out of prison for tax evasion.

GABRIELLE (coughs awkwardly):
     Ahem!

Aphrodite and Hephaestus finally look at the others. Aphrodite's eyes light up as she runs over to hug Gabrielle and make over the new baby. The two women start chatting while Aphrodite holds Samuel and pinches his cheeks. Xena and Ares greet Hephaestus, who seems unsure of how to act around both of them.

HEPHAESTUS (awkwardly):
     Do you...like what we've done with the place?

XENA:
     I was just going to ask...what have you done with the place? I hardly recognized it.

HEPHAESTUS (apologetically):
     We...er, Dite has been doing some redecorating.

ARES:
     And in her usual subtle, tasteful style, I see...

APHRODITE:
     Oh, but not everything that you remember is gone, Xena! Look at this!

Aphrodite walks over to the front porch, under the heart-shaped hedge. Xena follows her. Aphrodite shows her the old post that still stands, alone--no longer supporting the roof--that Xena had carved her initial into years ago.

APHRODITE:
     I knew I couldn't get rid of everything that gives you those warm, fuzzy, peaceful memories. This post has sentimental value, I totally get that.

XENA (looks at Aphrodite, smiling slightly):
     Thanks. (pause) Where did you two get the money for all this?

HEPHAESTUS:
     We...Dite has been selling off the more valuable items from her temples. So far, we've been able to live quite comfortably, but soon we're going to run out of gold vases...

APHRODITE (on the verge of tears):
     Doesn't it just break your heart? I think we might even have to get... (sucks in a deep breath) jobs!

GABRIELLE (looks shocked):
     Wow, you must be really desperate.

XENA (not very concerned):
     Uh...yeah, that's really...tragic. But--where is Argo?

ARES (voice-over):
     You know, sometimes I think you care more about that horse than you do about me.

XENA (voice-over, wryly):
     Your point being...?

DISSOLVE TO

Xena standing in the stable next to Argo. Gabrielle is leading Klio out the door, but Xena lingers behind a little. The music swells and we get a close-up of the two.

XENA (smiles):
     Hey, Argo. I've missed you, girl.

Argo whickers softly, nuzzling Xena's hair.

XENA:
     I've got something for you. Open your mouth, Sweetheart.

Xena holds out a shiny red apple, and Argo begins to bite into it.

The music gets cut short by Ares' voice yelling from somewhere else in the stable.

ARES:
     Xena! This place is full of horse-[bleep]!

XENA (yells back):
     It's a stable, Ares.

Ares comes into view leading his War Stallion, Quirinus.

ARES:
     Yeah, well, Olympian stables weren't full of--

Pan down to Ares' feet, where he has just stepped into a pile of horse manure. Xena chuckles and pats him on the shoulder.

Argo and Quirinus look at each other and neigh, and we see the subtitles that translate their horse talk.

QUIRINUS:
     Are they always like this?

ARGO:
     They're just having trouble adjusting. Ares is feeling emasculated and impotent due to the loss of his godly powers, and Xena is longing for her bygone sense of freedom and autonomy. Such a classic case of dependence and resentment, those two.

QUIRINUS:
     You think too much. Can I get a bite of that apple?

ARGO:
     Neigh.

Xena looks amused as Ares tries to scrape the manure off his boot, but they both look up when they hear a dog barking outside.

APHRODITE (opens the door, careful not to ruin her manicure):
     Hey, lovebirds! Are you decent? You're not scaring the horses, are you?

XENA (flatly):
     Not to worry.

There is another bark from outside.

ARES (holding his breath):
     Horace?

Just then, Horace, Dog of War, runs between Aphrodite's legs and into the stable. Ares bends down, and Horace jumps up to lick his face.

ARES (looks back at Xena pointedly):
     At least someone knows how to treat an ex-god.

APHRODITE (watches Horace lick Ares' face, hands, and neck, then looks at Xena with concern):
     How are things...you know... (whispers) in bed?

Darion squeezes through the door past Aphrodite. He has clearly been chasing Horace. Gabrielle stands in the doorway behind Aphrodite, now holding Samuel. Darion sees the dog playing with Ares and looks slightly hurt.

DARION:
     Here, doggie! Here boy!

Horace ignores him and continues to lick Ares.

DARION (comes closer):
     Come on, boy! Come here!

Darion holds out a stick, trying to tempt Horace with it. Ares looks up and notices the boy's frustration. He picks up the dog and stands back up, then puts him in Darion's arms.

ARES:
     It looks like you have a new master now, Horace.

DARION (excited):
     Really? I can keep him?

XENA (hesitantly, giving Gabrielle a brief look):
     Uh--Darion--we can talk about this later...

DARION:
     Pleeeeeeease?

APHRODITE:
     Oh, come on, guys? Can't you see the little guy needs a sidekick?

DARION (eyes light up):
     Yeah! Every hero needs a sidekick!

GABRIELLE:
     I don't know...

XENA:
     I don't know, Darion--a dog could interfere with my scouting, and fighting, and, well, everything. (off Darion's hurt look) But we'll think about it.

Darion lets out a whoop as if she's already said yes.

XENA (voice-over):
     We all spent some time getting reacquainted, and then Aphrodite wanted to get out of the house for a while, so we went into the town...

DISSOLVE TO

The center of a very small town. There is a sign that translates to "Welcome to New Athens," and underneath that, there is a population sign that has flippable numbers that can be adjusted frequently. There are only two digits, and the population currently seems to be 49.

Xena, Argo, Gabrielle (holding baby Samuel), Aphrodite, Ares, Hephaestus and Darion walk into the town. Horace follows them, hanging around Ares' ankles. Darion is still trying to get Horace's attention.

An elderly woman walks up and stares at them. Then, shaking her head, she counts on her fingers as she walks toward the sign and flips it to 58. Then she stares after them again, counts again, and flips it to 55; then shakes her head, flips it to 56 and nods in satisfaction.

We see Ares and Hephaestus separate from the group and walk inside the building we now recognize as the tavern. Horace tries to follow them but Darion grabs his collar and holds him back, then picks up a stick which he holds up so that Horace can jump up trying to reach it. The ladies wander in the direction of the temple, chatting together, while Darion trails behind them, keeping Horace busy.

GABRIELLE:
     This seems like a nice, peaceful town.

APHRODITE:
     Yeah, like, way too peaceful. As in "rest in peace"-ful. They don't even have a major shopping center! We have to go all the way to Braetia if we want to buy anything... (looks down at her outfit, then smiles) cute.

XENA:
     Yeah, but that's the beauty of it! It's so calm, so quiet. Yes, being free of war--and ex-Gods of War--must be heavenly.

APHRODITE:
     Oh, come on, you two aren't having problems, are you? The thought of you two happy and in love is the only thing keeping me going right now, especially after that argument with Heph!

She bites her lower lip, pouting. Gabrielle snorts. Xena and Aphrodite ignore her and continue to talk about their own problems. Just then, someone puts a hand on Gabrielle's arm and the three of them turn around to face Genia, who is dressed in white robes similar to the ones she wore in "Many Happy Returns."

GABRIELLE:
     Genia? What are you doing here?

GENIA (cheerfully):
     Gabrielle! Xena! Aphrodite! It's so good to see you!

Xena looks nervously at Genia's white robes.

XENA:
     You're not--

GENIA (laughs):
     No, no. I'm working with the Hestian Virgins now! After meeting you and Gabrielle and Aphrodite, I realized I had no idea who I was. I decided I needed to know myself really well before making any more important life decisions, and that's just what I'm doing!

She notices Samuel in Gabrielle's arms and squeals.

GENIA:
      You have a baby! That's awesome!

APHRODITE:
     Oh! The baby! I, like, almost forgot! (looks at Gabrielle) I have a little gift for you and little sweet pea there. It's in my temple, not far from here. I'll go get it for you.

GABRIELLE:
     Aphrodite, you really don't need to do that--

APHRODITE:
     Oh, I insist! I've been meaning to do a little inventory, anyway...but I promise I won't be gone long. (Winks at Genia) We'll talk later.

Aphrodite freezes and seems to be concentrating hard on something, then she frowns and sighs.

APHRODITE (whines):
     Stupid mortal lack of teleporting ability!

She stomps out of the square. The others watch her leave, and we can see Genia making over baby Samuel and apparently asking Gabrielle questions about him.

XENA (voice-over):
     Gabrielle and Genia started chattering about the baby, so I took a walk around the perimeter. Then Genia showed us around the orphanage, and it wasn't long before we heard a commotion outside.

DISSOLVE TO

Xena opens the door and sees the band of thugs, the same ones from Ares' version. They are grabbing the Virgins; there is chaos everywhere.

Xena draws her sword and goes to fight them. We can see that two or three of them enter the temple while five or six remain outside to fight Xena.

XENA (voice-over):
     It was nothing out of the ordinary, just a little skirmish, really...

Brief montage of Xena fighting from her perspective, including:

-- her foot kicking one of the thugs in the face
-- deflecting a thug's sword from a downward slice
-- falling through the air to land on a bad guys' chest
-- throwing the chakram and hitting several baddies on the helmet

ARES (voice-over):
     Just a skirmish? You--we--I-- (exhales frustratedly) oh, forget it.

Genia comes rushing from the entrance of the temple. We can see Ares making his drunken way over.

GENIA:
     Thank you, Xena!

XENA:
     Don't mention it.

GENIA:
     You saved us all! But...they stole all the money we'd been saving up. If we don't get it back, we'll have to close the orphanage.

XENA:
     I just knew it wouldn't be that easy.

GENIA (bats her eyelashes pleadingly):
     Will you help us?

XENA (sighs resignedly):
     Sure. What do you know about these men who robbed you?

GENIA:
     They didn't look familiar, but maybe some of the others would know.

CUT TO

A montage of Xena, Ares and Genia questioning the other Virgins who are outside.

VIRGIN #1 (primly):
     They smelled like... (wrinkles her nose) sailors.

CUT TO

VIRGIN #2 (sounds a lot like Greba):
     The one who grabbed me was a nasty, awful brute! He was tall, and dark...with penetrating green eyes... (starts to sound more and more dreamy) and the leather pants he was wearing was molded really tightly to his--

XENA (interrupts):
     Thank you, you've been a big help.

CUT TO

VIRGIN #3 (a bit shyly):
     Well, it all went so fast... (looks at Xena admiringly) You were amazing! With those flips and kicks...

She attempts to mimic Xena's kick, and nearly falls. Ares, standing next to her, reaches out to keep her from falling, and Xena glowers at them both. Ares holds his hands up innocently.

GENIA:
     Is there anything else you can remember about the men who attacked us, Portia?

VIRGIN #3/PORTIA:
     Yeah, I think so...I mean, it was a little dark, but I noticed one of them had this symbol tattooed on his wrist, and then I saw the same tattoo on the other one who grabbed me. It looked like a snake, or maybe a river? I'm not sure, I'm sorry.

XENA:
     Well, thanks, anyway. It could be important.

DISSOLVE TO

Outside, near the tavern and temple. Hephaestus and Aphrodite come out of the tavern and approach Xena and Ares.

APHRODITE (now breathing regularly, but on the verge of tears):
     Xeeeena, you have to help us! Well, me, at least!

XENA:
     What is it, Aphrodite? There are other people here who need my help.

APHRODITE:
     Can't you see I'm, like, in pain, here? That odiferous hooligan stole my favorite statue!

XENA (rubs her temples, then droops her shoulders in an "I give up" way):
     What did he look like?

APHRODITE:
     He was all grody-looking and wore leather (pauses) --no offense. He was a thug! What do you want to know? I didn't get a good look.

XENA:
     I'm going to need a little more to go on than that.

Aphrodite furrows her brow in concentration for a moment, then looks up.

APHRODITE:
     I do remember something! He had this tattoo on his wrist, like a rope, or something. If I were getting a tattoo, I'd get something cuter than that, like maybe a picture of myself... (hits Hephaestus' chest with the back of her hand) Hey! Hephie, you should totally get a tattoo of me!

Hephaestus puts his head in his hands and starts rubbing his temples.

APHRODITE (oblivious):
     What?

Xena is leading Argo through the woods. Xena seems to be tracking the bad guys, stopping every few moments to look at the ground or a twig or leaf. After a moment, Xena stops and looks deeply into Argo's eyes.

XENA:
     It's been a long time, hasn't it? I've missed you, you know.

ARGO (brushes her nose against Xena's face):
     Neigh.

XENA (concerned):
     You're not angry, are you? You know I couldn't take you with me to Jerusalem, right? Right?

ARGO (placidly):
     Neigh.

XENA:
     Don't look at me like that! It's not like I didn't think about you.

Argo whinnies. Xena continues walking and tracking while she talks.

XENA:
     Oh, I know, it's just that--well, life has been...different lately, what with Gabrielle's new baby, and Ares being mortal, and not having any time to myself, you know?

ARGO:
     Neigh.

XENA:
     Yeah, well, at least you get some time to yourself sometimes. And nobody expects you to do everything for them. I mean, they're my family, but...

Xena looks up as though she's heard a noise.

XENA (softly):
     I think we've found our bad guys.

Xena approaches the cave and sees Ares, Hephaestus and Darion standing near the cave's mouth. The corners of her mouth quirk up mischievously.

Xena moves closer to listen in on Ares and Hephaestus' conversation.

ARES (sluggishly):
     I don't know, I think we're lost. We should just go home. My head hurts.

HEPHAESTUS (sounds like he's in pain):
     I can't leave without Aphrodite's bust...but I don't feel so good, either...ugh, stupid mortality!

Xena sneaks up behind them and puts her blade against Hephaestus' neck playfully.

XENA:
     Didn't your mother ever teach you to hold your drink?

ARES:
     Xena! What are you doing here? We've got this under control!

XENA (withdraws her sword):
     I can take it from here, boys. How did you even find this place?

ARES:
     What do you mean? Uhh... (starts to figure out that this is the thugs' hideout) I mean...we tracked the thugs here.

XENA:
     Well, this morning you couldn't even find your way out of your bedroll without help, so--

ARES (childishly):
     I don't need your help!

XENA:
     Ares, you're both hungover, maybe still drunk. You can't face these guys without me.

ARES (shouting loudly, and a little slurred):
     You just can't let me win, can you, Xena?

HEPHAESTUS (trying to reason with Ares):
     Hey, maybe we should let Xena handle this--

One of the thugs from earlier approaches the entrance from outside the cave. He hears the shouting, drops the chest he is carrying, and runs away.

XENA:
     I'm going after him! There are probably more in there, so you three stay and guard the entrance.

ARES (grasps her wrist):
     Hey, I t-told you I don't need your help!

XENA (hisses):
     Ares, we don't have time for this!

Hephaestus runs into the cave after the thug. Ares moves to stand in front of Xena so she can't get past.

ARES:
     Don't change the subject, you harpy!

XENA (anxiously):
     Ares, they are going to get away if I don't do something!

A pair of the bad guys comes out of another tunnel in the cave, confused by the shouting. They run past Xena and Ares while the two are fighting. Darion looks as if he wants to run after the thugs himself, but thinks better of it, and then he attempts to come between Xena and Ares.

ARES (yells):
     I can't believe you are trying to hog all the glory!

XENA (snaps):
     You're just as worthless as all the other gods! You only care about yourself!

ARES:
     Well, at least somebody does!

Three more thugs approach the cave, hear the argument, and run out. A few moments later, Hephaestus comes out, chasing them, but Ares pays no attention.

DARION:
     HEEEEEYYYYYY!!!

Xena and Ares finally look down at Darion.

DARION (points in the direction of the thugs):
     They're getting away! Aren't you supposed to be, you know, chasing them?

Ares looks at him, then back to Xena, who gives him an "I told you so" look, then both go off after the bad guys who ran out of the cave. Darion runs after them.

ARES (panting, trying to keep up with Xena):
     Betcha I catch them first!

XENA (yells back, not breaking stride):
     You couldn't catch the pox in a whorehouse!

DISSOLVE TO

The same scene from Ares' story. Xena and Ares running into the village, getting there just after the thugs. They see that everyone is fighting, and even the thugs are fighting each other. Ares and Xena look at each other and draw their swords, looking like they're going to kill each other. In the background we can see Gabrielle and Aphrodite pulling each other's hair and slapping each other.