An outside shot of Aphrodite and Hephaestus's "farmhouse." We can hear loud thudding noises coming from inside. We cut to an interior shot of a shaking headboard, with the same noises as before. Then we pan down to see Hephaestus and Aphrodite rolling over and stretching out on their backs, sweaty and exhausted. Aphrodite is wearing a pink bra top with feathers along the top of the bust. Their lower halves are covered by a blanket (because it's a family show).

HEPHAESTUS (out of breath):
     Where did you learn how to do that?

APHRODITE (smiles coyly):
     You don't think I was Goddess of Love for all those years without picking up a few tricks, do ya?

HEPHAESTUS:
     Well, as far as I'm concerned, you'll always be Goddess of Love...

Hephaestus begins to nibble her ear, and Aphrodite giggles, then sighs.

APHRODITE:
     But I'm not the Goddess of Love anymore. I'm not the goddess of anything. I'm going to grow old, and get (takes in a deep breath, barely able to say the word) --wrinkles--and my hair will turn gray!

HEPHAESTUS:
     Yes, but so will I. It's what all mortals do, my love. We've lived longer already than any mortal will ever do.

APHRODITE (softens):
     At least we'll be able to grow old together. (her voice takes on a more stringent tone) You will still love me when I'm old and saggy, right?

HEPHAESTUS (strokes her face with his hand):
     I've loved you for an eternity, Aphrodite. I'm not about to stop now. You'll always take my breath away.

APHRODITE (melts):
     Really? (a lascivious look comes into her eyes) Is that a challenge? I do recall another trick I could show you, something from a scroll a tourist from Indus left in one of my tem--

At that moment, Horace runs in and jumps on the bed between Aphrodite and Hephaestus. He barks loudly a couple of times, and they both roll their eyes.

APHRODITE (voice-over, laughing):
     See, the Gabster's not the only one with the bad timing!

ARES (voice-over):
     Yeah, don't remind me.

APHRODITE:
     What do you want, doggy? Another treat? You'll be eating us out of house and home if Ares doesn't come and get you pretty soon.

HEPHAESTUS (serious):
     You're really worried about us, aren't you?

APHRODITE (wistfully):
     I just never had to think about this stuff before. I always had plenty of gifts from my worshippers, and what they didn't give me, I could always zap up for myself... (suddenly turns whiny) Now we might actually have to (squeaks) work for a living! Being mortal sucks!

She begins to weep on Hephaestus’ shoulder.

HEPHAESTUS (stoically):
     Yes. Yes it does.

Aphrodite looks up to turn her face to him, but then seems to notice something outside. Through the window we can see Gabrielle and Darion walking toward the farmhouse. The camera pans over to the barn, where Ares is shoved up against the building, and Xena is pressed up against him, and the two are kissing passionately, groping each other and occasionally gasping for breath. Ares' hands reach slowly down Xena's back.

XENA, GABRIELLE and ARES (voice-over):
     Aphrodite!!!

We rewind the last part and come back to the part where Aphrodite is crying on Hephaestus' shoulder. She looks from his face to something out the window. Through the window we can see Xena, Gabrielle, Ares and Darion arriving. Her face lights up and she hugs Hephaestus.

APHRODITE (squealing):
     They're finally here! And...Ares isn't wearing his gauntlets anymore. Doesn't he care about his image at all? (sighs) Oh, well...I'll have to have a talk with him about it later.

She rushes to the door, but Hephaestus grabs her wrist.

HEPHAESTUS (wryly):
     Um, Dite, don't you think we should... (looks her up and down, indicating her unclothed state)

APHRODITE (laughs):
     Oh, yeah! I almost forgot!

She snaps her fingers, but nothing happens.

APHRODITE (dejected):
     Ugh, I am sooo mortal! I'm all sweaty and gross--and I can't even zap myself clean anymore!

Her mouth opens and her eyes light up as if she's just gotten an idea.

APHRODITE:
     Oooh, I know! We should get a hot tub!

HEPHAESTUS (trying not to make her angry):
     Dite, you know we can't afford one right now...

Outside the renovated farmhouse. Xena is brushing Argo, and Aphrodite is standing, cooing over the baby on the front porch, while Gabrielle is sitting close by, looking exhausted, on the "love seat". Darion is trying to get Horace to fetch a stick, but Horace ignores him. Ares and Hephaestus are standing by the barn, and they seem to be having an animated conversation. Ares mimics throwing a lightning bolt.

APHRODITE:
     Aww, look at these little dimples! My little Cupie had dimples like these...before he turned into a rebel with a major 'tude. (Off Gabrielle's pained expression, gushing to Samuel) Oh, but I'm sure little Sammy will grow up to be a perfect gentleman, won't he?

GABRIELLE:
     Let's just hope he doesn't turn out like...never mind.

APHRODITE (looks sympathetic, but can't resist the temptation):
     Have you heard from the baby's father lately?

GABRIELLE (curtly):
     No.

APHRODITE:
     But maybe you'll--he'll--

GABRIELLE:
     He'll what? Come swooping back in on a white horse and we'll live happily ever after?

APHRODITE:
     Hey, yeah! It could happen! (Off Gabrielle's skeptical look) Hey, I used to be the Goddess of Love, remember? I think I know a thing or two.

GABRIELLE:
     Love isn't like that. Life isn't like that. Things don't happen the way they do in comedies.

APHRODITE:
     Whoa, where did this attitude come from? I'm picking up, like, a very disheartened vibe, here!

GABRIELLE (a little bitterly):
     Maybe that's because you've been mortal for months now, and you still haven't had to live like one.

APHRODITE:
     What's that supposed to mean? I have to style my own hair now, for your information!

GABRIELLE (sighs exaggeratedly):
     Nothing, never mind, forget I said anything.

Aphrodite bites her lip and bounces Samuel on her hip. Her face brightens as she seems to be getting an idea.

APHRODITE:
     Hey, I know! Let's all go to New Athens!

GABRIELLE:
      New Athens? As opposed to Old Athens?

APHRODITE:
     Oh, I know, like, totally lame name, right? But one of my temples is near there, and--

GABRIELLE (irritably):
     What, you want to get more stuff to sell? That's supposed to be fun?

APHRODITE (defensively):
     No, no, I just thought of something that would make a perfect gift for the baby, that's all!

GABRIELLE (less irritably):
     Aphrodite, you don't have to do that--

APHRODITE:
     Nonsense, it's just a little something I've had in my temple for a while, and it's not getting any use there, so I figure it ought to go to you and little Sammy-kins, here.

GABRIELLE (doubtfully):
     It isn't...that one statue...right? The one with all the different posi--

APHRODITE (realizes what she means):
     Oh, Sweetie, no! I'm not showing Samuel that one until he gets old enough for me to teach him about the birds and the bees.

Gabrielle looks like she's about to say something, but Aphrodite walks off holding Samuel. She calls the others over, and tells them they're all going to town.

Xena, Gabrielle and Aphrodite talking to Genia in front of the Hestian temple. Darion is squatting nearby, petting Horace.

APHRODITE (raises an eyebrow):
     So, all this time, you've been getting to--know yourself?

GENIA (beams at Aphrodite):
     Yeah! It's great! You know, I am so grateful that the three of you taught me how to look to my own needs. You made me realize that I need to learn how to please myself, and then I'll be able to make other people happy, too. And it turned out that all I needed was a little know--how and my own two hands!

GABRIELLE (looks up, startled):
     Huh? Genia--

Gabrielle looks nervously down at Darion and Samuel.

GENIA:
     You don't know how blissful my life is now that I know the secret to--

GABRIELLE (sharply):
     Genia!

GENIA:
     -- gardening.

GABRIELLE (relieved):
     Oh. I mean, oh! Yeah, great.

Xena and Gabrielle look relieved; Aphrodite giggles.

GENIA (continues):
     And I've got the biggest summer squash in the whole temple!

GABRIELLE (distractedly, but trying to sound supportive):
     That's...that's wonderful, Genia.

APHRODITE:
     Sweetie cakes, I always thought the Hestian Virgins were, like, totally crazy hagsters, but that doesn't sound half bad. Tell me more about the sum--

XENA (cuts her off irritably):
     Maybe another time. Maybe Genia would like to hold the baby, don't you think, Gabrielle?

APHRODITE:
     D'uh! The baby! That reminds me--

The camera pulls back as she continues to talk. After a moment, Aphrodite waves good-bye to the others and whistles. A gleaming white horse trots up to her and she mounts it.

GABRIELLE (voice-over, confused):
     Aphrodite, I don't remember any horse--

APHRODITE (voice-over, annoyed):
     Hey, you're not the only one who can do the bard thing. Listen and learn, Sweet Cheeks.

DISSOLVE TO

Aphrodite riding the white horse bareback through the woods. After a short while, she arrives at a gleaming white temple with pink hearts painted on columns in the front. Aphrodite dismounts and, leaving the horse outside, enters the temple.

CUT TO

Inside the temple. It's clear the building is no longer in use, and there are boxes and crates scattered around the room. Several ornate vases, a few statues, jewelry, and some coins litter the floor.

Aphrodite seems to deflate as she enters. She walks around, shoulders hunched, peeking into some of the boxes and occasionally tracing a hand over some of the items that are lying around, then wiping her hands, since everything is dusty.

APHRODITE (to herself, softly):
     This place looks...different.

She walks over to the golden bust of her from "Love Takes a Holiday" that Hephaestus made. She ponders its features for a moment, then touches her own face, then frowns.

APHRODITE:
     Then again, so do I. (to herself, sighing) And it's just gonna get worse, kiddo.

After a moment, she shakes herself, bringing herself out of her reverie.

APHRODITE (with some humor):
     Gods, like, major buzzkill! I'm gonna give myself frown lines if I keep this up. (looks around) Now which box is my little present hiding in?

She walks over to a gilded chest full of junk and starts pulling things out of it. First she picks up a scroll that's covered with drawings of people in various positions. She tosses it aside carelessly, then thinks better of it and folds it up neatly at her feet.

APHRODITE (smirking):
     I'll just take this back home with me...

Next she pulls out a toy crossbow with a large painted heart on it. She rubs a finger over the sharp tip of the arrow.

APHRODITE:
     Awww, Cupie's first bow! Thank gods I was smart enough to give him regular arrows until he was old enough to walk, 'cause otherwise he could have caused some major damage!

She places the crossbow carefully on the floor and then pulls out a plush dove, a heart-shaped pillow, some wax apples covered with gold paint, a hydra doll (much like the one Hercules gave Xena in "God Fearing Child"), and a tiny statuette of Aphrodite herself with a comically exaggerated figure. Aphrodite pulls a string, and the statuette releases a string of pink, heart-shaped bubbles from its lips. She throws it down.

APHRODITE (frustrated):
     Come on...it's gotta be in here somewhere!

A man wearing a mask and a leather outfit, exactly like the ones the thugs from the orphanage were wearing, enters the temple, but Aphrodite doesn't see him. She's too busy tossing things out of the chest.

The man tiptoes through the temple, making his way over to the golden bust, which he picks up and puts under his arm.

Aphrodite, oblivious, pulls out of the chest a small white wooden box with a complex gold leaf design.

As the man is walking out, we see his foot step on a Pegasus doll, which gives out a loud squeak. The man pauses, then begins to run, but is slowed down by the statue's weight.

APHRODITE (looks up angrily):
     This temple is closed! The Love Goddess has gone out of business, haven't you heard? (sees him carrying her statue) Hey! Get your hands off my bust!

The man pulls out a dagger and tosses it clumsily in her direction, but it misses her by a long way. Aphrodite shrieks and jumps behind a box and grabs a nearby vase, holding it up in an attempt to defend herself.

The man continues to run to the door. Aphrodite stands up quickly, dropping the vase, which shatters on the floor.

The man picks up his pace, racing to the door as fast as he can with the heavy object. Aphrodite looks down at the vase and grimaces, but then turns her attention quickly back to the thief, who is almost at the exit. First she pulls her hand back to use her powers on him, then when nothing happens, she sighs and picks up another vase. Then, thinking better of it, she sets it down carefully. The man is escaping, so she picks up the crossbow.

APHRODITE (in her best hard-boiled, menacing voice):
     Freeze, dirtbag!

She releases the trigger on the crossbow, but the arrow only goes ten feet and embeds itself in a heart-shaped chair. The thug pauses to chuckle, then disappears through the door.

APHRODITE (shouting):
     Miscreant! (shrieks) That's my favorite statue!

She pauses, then looks down at the crossbow, and then at the arrow stuck in the chair.

APHRODITE:
     Whoa. I can't believe I let Cupid play with this thing!

APHRODITE (voice-over):
     I went back to town as fast as my horse would carry me...

DISSOLVE TO

A slow-motion shot of Aphrodite riding the horse back to town, her hair flying in the wind.

DISSOLVE TO

Aphrodite rides into town, and we see the same old woman from before flipping the number sign back to "29." Aphrodite dismounts from the horse and goes into the tavern where Hephaestus and Ares are drinking.

APHRODITE (hysterically):
     Hephie! My statue! Some dirty little hooligan stole my statue!

HEPHAESTUS (stands up and takes Aphrodite off to a quiet corner of the bar):
     What's this about your statue?

APHRODITE (weeping):
     You know, the one you made for me!

HEPHAESTUS (drunkenly):
     The one--wait, not that one? The one I (belches) made for you?

APHRODITE:
     Yes! The one you gave me the first time we--you know--

HEPHAESTUS (grins):
     Yes, I remember...

Hephaestus reaches out a hand to grab her backside, but she swats him away.

APHRODITE (irritated):
     Hephie! Focus! My statue, remember?

HEPHAESTUS (sighs):
     All right, my love, let's go find Xena. I'm in no condition to get your statue back on my own right now, but I promise you, we'll get it back.

Hephaestus awkwardly kisses Aphrodite's hand and, still clutching her fingers, leads her outside, where there is already a fight going on. They look at Ares, who is leaning against the wall watching the fight raptly, and then at Xena, who is in the middle of kicking the bad guys' butts.

APHRODITE (yelling):
     Stop it, you barbarians! I need to talk to that Warrior Princess!

The thugs act as if they haven't heard her, and continue fighting Xena. Aphrodite sighs frustratedly and, from behind, we see her pull her corset open, flashing the ruffians, who immediately stop fighting and gape at her.

APHRODITE (smugly):
     I've still got it. (to the thugs) Now get out of here! Scram!

The thugs are so smitten that the immediately obey her and run off.

Inside the orphanage. There are children playing in small groups. We can see that there are more children in the orphanage than there are people in the entire village.

Gabrielle is holding baby Samuel and telling some of the children a story about David and Goliath. Genia is assisting some of the other children who are painting with easels. Aphrodite looks harried as one child wraps himself around her ankle and another runs over and puts a paint handprint on her leg.

APHRODITE (shakes her leg):
     Get down! Eww, get off! No touching!

One child, who is eating chocolate pudding, stumbles over to her and holds the spoon out to her.

APHRODITE (holds her hands up):
     Stay back! This is an original Valentinus!

The child starts crying loudly, and Aphrodite puts a hand on her forehead, pushing up her blonde curls. She groans loudly.

APHRODITE (yells):
     Gabrieeeelle!!!

GABRIELLE (calls over to her):
     Why don't you come over here and listen to the story?

APHRODITE (hesitantly):
     What kind of story is it?

GABRIELLE:
     It's a beautiful love story!

APHRODITE (brightens):
     Really? I could totally use some of those vibes right now...

DISSOLVE TO

Gabrielle, Aphrodite and Genia playing a game of what looks like "Pin the Tail on the Centaur" with the children. Aphrodite looks very irritated when one of the children tries to pin the tail on her.

DISSOLVE TO

Aphrodite teaching the children how to play "Spin the Amphora." Gabrielle stops her when she realizes what the game is about. Aphrodite modifies the game to use a high five instead of kissing.

DISSOLVE TO

Genia fervently leading the children in prayer. Aphrodite looks incredibly bored, and Gabrielle has taken the opportunity to go over to the corner and change Samuel's diaper.

DISSOLVE TO

The children taking their afternoon naps. Gabrielle is feeding Samuel, and Aphrodite is sitting next to her. Genia and some of the Hestians are putting some stragglers down in their bedrolls.

APHRODITE (looks at Samuel adoringly):
     He's so beautiful. (pauses) Too bad he'll have to grow up into one of those monsters.

She points at the sleeping children, then her look softens.

APHRODITE:
     Heh, even they look sweet while they're sleeping.

GABRIELLE (smiles):
     Yeah. They're not so bad... (pauses, then sighs) most of the time.

APHRODITE:
     Hey, I remember this stuff! Cupid went through kind of a rough phase, too...but he eventually got over it.

GABRIELLE:
     How long did that take?

APHRODITE (crinkles her forehead, as if trying to remember):
     Twenty...maybe twenty-five years?

They both laugh. Gabrielle stops feeding Samuel and burps him. We hear a loud roar at the same time that he burps.

APHRODITE (looks at Samuel in disbelief):
     Whoa, that kid burps louder than Hermes after one of Uncle Dionysus' festivals!

GABRIELLE (looks at Aphrodite with disdain):
     Aphrodite, that wasn't Samuel, that was something outside! (angrily) And was that a crack about my kid?

APHRODITE:
     Oh, no! (suddenly miffed) I mean, he probably just learned it from watching you!

GABRIELLE:
     And to think people actually used to worship you.

APHRODITE:
     Hey!

GABRIELLE (shakes her head as if to snap herself out of the bickering):
     Wait, the noise outside is getting louder. We should see what's going on.

Gabrielle hands the baby to one of the Hestians, and she and Aphrodite exit the orphanage.

Outside, we see the same scene as before of people fighting each other.

A man standing off to the left is repeatedly ducking another man's head under the water of a horse trough and bringing it back up. After a minute, the other man grabs him and flips his entire body into the trough, then points and laughs.

Some of the children from the orphanage, hearing the commotion, follow the two women outside, where they start fighting, too. A little boy dumps a barrel of flour over another boy's head, and the other boy attacks him. They wrestle on the ground in a flurry of white powder. A little girl in the foreground throwing tomatoes at a woman in a white dress, who picks them up and throws them back at her.

Gabrielle tries to go over to the little girl and stop her, but she gets pelted by tomatoes and runs back to Aphrodite, who is trying to pry two girls apart who are pulling each other's hair, but she's not having much success because she's being too careful of her outfit.

GABRIELLE:
     What is wrong with these people? They're acting like they're under some kind of spell! (looks suspiciously at Aphrodite) Do you know anything about this?

APHRODITE (looks innocent):
     I'm mortal now, remember? I don't have those kinds of powers anymore!

GABRIELLE:
     Yeah, but I bet you could still do a spell if you wanted, couldn't you? You could enchant this entire village and trick them into worshipping you again.

APHRODITE (disgusted):
     How does that even remotely make sense? Aren't you supposed to be, like, erudite? (mutters) And they call me a dumb blonde.

GABRIELLE (angrily):
     Are you calling me dumb?

APHRODITE:
     If the shoe fits, Sweetie, wear it! (looks askance at Gabrielle's boots) On the other hand, maybe you shouldn't.

GABRIELLE (annoyed):
     Oh, yeah?

She twirls up Samuel's blanket, which had been slung over her shoulder, and whacks Aphrodite with it.

APHRODITE:
     Hey!

She grabs Gabrielle's hair and drags her over to a barrel of grapes, then starts rubbing Gab's face in the fruit.

We see a few more shots of fighting. A little boy standing next to Aphrodite is using the grapes in a slingshot and pelting a little girl across the road with them. The little girl is wrapped around the ankle of one of the thugs, and we see her bite into his leg with a "chomp." The thug tries to shake her off, but he's too busy fighting off a very large woman, who is beating him with a broom.

We see Xena and Ares enter the scene, and they draw their swords on each other.