A campsite. Xena, Gabrielle and Darion are all busy working. Darion is gathering sticks, Gabrielle is building up the campfire, occasionally turning to coo to the baby, who is bundled up on a tree stump next to her, and Xena is skinning a rabbit. Ares is sitting on a log, rubbing his eyes.

XENA (looks up):
     Ares. What's wrong? Didn't sleep well?

ARES:
     I tried, but...being mortal is brutal. You have no idea.

XENA (teasing):
     Oh, you're right--I don't. (more sympathetic) I know this must be hard for you.

GABRIELLE (looks at Ares):
     Hey, could you finish packing up all the bedrolls?

She points over to where Ares' bedroll, recently vacated, lies on the ground.

ARES:
     You know I would, but... (yawns) I just have... (yawns again) no energy in the morning.

GABRIELLE:
     Yeah, okay. Darion, would you please pack up Ares' bedroll for him?

ARES (continues speaking while Darion packs the bedroll):
     When I was a god, I could have just snapped my fingers like this (snaps his fingers) and it would have been done. Actually, I wouldn't even have had to do the snapping thing. That bit was just for show; mortals eat that stuff up, you know?

XENA (gives him an adoring look that's only part teasing):
     Yeah, I bet they did...Hey, could you bring me a bucket of water from the stream? I'm going to need some to finish cleaning this rabbit.

ARES:
     My arms are soooo sore, Xena! I wasn't meant to sleep on the ground. When I was a--

XENA:
     Okay, okay. I'll get the water.

Xena stands up and moves to grab the bucket, which is sitting right beside Ares, giving him a nice (though unintentional) view of her cleavage.

ARES (waits until Xena is right beside him, then whispers in her ear):
     Maybe later tonight you could help me work these kinks out...

Xena gives him a sultry look, but doesn't reply. She picks up the bucket and swings it as she walks away, strutting in a seductive yet teasing manner, never looking back. Ares admires her backside as she disappears around a bush.

Xena and Ares are walking next to each other, and Gabrielle is a few steps behind with the baby in a sling, and Darion is skipping all over the road beside her, excited.

XENA (rolls her eyes and groans):
     What is it now, Ares?

ARES:
     Don't you think we should take a break? My feet hurt...I mean, my mortal legs aren't used to this kind of strain!

XENA:
     We just took a break three hours ago, so suck it up! You can rest later.

ARES:
     But don't you think Gabrielle would like a break? And the boy?

XENA:
     No, they're fine. I mean, if you're such a wimp, you could always ride the horse...Can't you walk any faster?

ARES:
     I could. If I were, I don't know, A GOD.

XENA (impatiently):
     Ares, we have been through this. So you lost your immortality. Why can't you just...you know, get over it?

ARES (scoffs):
     Get over it? I was a god. I was going to live forever. I never had to sleep, much less sleep on the ground. And you want me to get over it? You know, Xena, sometimes you can be so...insensitive.

XENA (getting angrier):
     And you can be such a baby! Why can't you just be a man and help us out sometimes? I don't ask much...only that you do what I say when I say it!!!

ARES (sarcastically):
     Oh, is that all? Isn't there anything else I can do for you? Maybe wash your feet? Perhaps you'd like to use me as a footstool?

XENA:
     Now you're just being ridiculous. I can wash my own feet, thank you very much.

ARES:
     Figures--the one thing I was kinda looking forward to, you're not interested. I wonder if Hephaestus has to put up with this kind of--

XENA (interrupting):
     Well, considering your sister and her husband are both ex-gods, too, they probably don't get anything done at all except sleep their mortal lives away!

ARES:
     Well, at least they probably don't snore like Gregus with a bone stuck in his throat!

A tavern. Ares is sitting with Hephaestus, and it's clear they are both starting to get a little drunk. They are in the middle of a lively conversation.

ARES (with slightly slurred speech):
     Oh, and remember that time you forged that armor for me? What was that warlord's name, anyway? Ag...Agathon. He was no match for... (grumbles something inaudible) ...anyway, at least he didn't expect me to wash any frying pans! Can you believe that--the God of War, doing dishes!

HEPHAESTUS (also slurred):
     Yeah, Aphrodite's always after me to set the table for dinner...I used to forge the greatest weapons known to man or god, and now (he hiccups, and his voice grows louder) the only knives I deal with are the ones she uses to cut her meat into little tiny heart-shaped pieces!

ARES:
     At least Aphrodite cuts her meat! Xena just gnaws everything off the bone like she's some kind of...tigress!

HEPHAESTUS:
     Hah--I bet she is a real tigress, right?

He slaps Ares on the back and laughs loudly. Ares grins, then sighs.

ARES:
     Yeah, I just wish she wouldn't spend so much time chewing my ass! (They both laugh raucously.) 'Ares do this, Ares do that!' It never ends!

HEPHAESTUS (nods understandingly):
     You should hear Aphrodite. 'I can't wear this same outfit twice! We need more money! Why don't you sell some of those rusty old weapons you used to make?'

ARES (shakes his head):
     Ouch.

HEPHAESTUS:
     Sometimes I go out to the forge just to get away from her. I mean, I love her, but...sometimes I just want to be alone with my equipment, you know?

ARES (gives him a shocked stare, then finally gets it and grins):
     Oh. Yeah. I hear you, man. I mean, I can't live without her...and I mean that...but sometimes it's like co-habit...(burps) co-habiting with the Furies. Well, one, anyway, but one is enough. But at least that includes the free lap dances...

The two men break into laughter again, and Ares has to lean on Hephaestus for a moment to steady himself.

HEPHAESTUS:
     So your sword is still getting plenty of use?

ARES:
     Xena makes sure it stays...polished.

He nudges Hephaestus heavily, which is totally unnecessary, because he is already laughing uproariously.

HEPHAESTUS:
     Get this, Dite says real men who are in love write poetry! I made a golden bust showcasing her...you know... (holds up both hands in the air and makes a squeezing motion as we hear a honking sound effect) but she wasn't impressed!

ARES:
     So what did you do?

HEPHAESTUS:
     I wrote her a poem! I couldn't think of enough words that rhyme with "Dite," so I tried using Venus...

ARES (eventually gets the joke after taking a long swig of ale):
     So how did she take it?

HEPHAESTUS (pauses for a beat):
     On her back!

Both men laugh so hard that they fall off their stools.

Same tavern. Ares and Hephaestus are picking themselves off the floor when Aphrodite rushes through the front door, out of breath and very distressed about something.

APHRODITE (her voice gets gradually higher in pitch):
     Hephie! My statue! Some dirty little hooligan stole my statue!

Hephaestus takes her aside and tries to calm her down and get the full story out of her. Ares sits back down at the table and starts up a conversation with his drink.

ARES:
     Guess it's just you and me now.

He takes a large gulp of the drink, 'ahhh's loudly and wipes his mouth. Then we hear Xena's battle cry from somewhere outside.

ARES (looks down into his glass, sighing):
     We'll always have New Athens.

Ares gets up and stumbles out the door, leaving Hephaestus and Aphrodite to themselves.

Outside, Xena is fighting a bunch of thugs who are trying to manhandle some Hestian Virgins.

Ares braces himself against the building to steady himself, and looks on while Xena fights. There are six men wearing leather armor, and two of them are off carrying bags of money, and the rest of them are trying to circle around Xena. There are two more men already on the ground, rubbing their heads.

Xena jumps into the air with a loud cry and kicks two of the thugs in the head at the same time. She lands on her feet and reaches back to punch the other two thugs, who were standing behind her, in the face. One of the first two men tries to land a swing with his sword, which she deflects easily with her own. She elbows the other one in the head and then moves her arm back to hit the first one with the hilt of her sword.

The two men behind her now try to attack again, and she swings back around with her sword, knocking their weapons from their hands. She runs forward, then runs up the tavern wall and does a backflip, which sends her outside the little circle of men.

ARES (loving every moment):
     Showoff!

As Ares watches, the fight slows down, almost dream-like, as Xena spins around, swinging her sword left and right as the thugs attack. Her movements are as graceful as a dance, her loose hair flowing with the movements of her body.

Pan back to Ares watching, his lips parted slightly, his eyes filled with admiration and passion. Xena turns around, and fixes her eyes on his. They stare for just a moment when time seems to freeze around them, Xena's eyes burning with adrenaline. She gives him a sultry little smile as she swings behind her back, skewering one of the thugs in the gut with her sword.

Ares swallows.

ARES (aroused):
     Oh yeah...

The fighting returns to normal speed.

She throws her chakram, which bounces off the four men's helmets, then cuts into one of the bags of money, which causes silver coins to shower onto the ground, and sends all of the men running.

Xena sees them scattering and goes to check on the Hestians. Ares walks cautiously in her direction, wobbling unsteadily. The Head Priestess comes rushing over to join them.

Aphrodite comes rushing out of the tavern, with Hephaestus following behind (though much slower and with less purpose). Aphrodite runs toward Xena, nearly tripping, in a desperate state.

APHRODITE (squeaking through deep breaths):
     He...took...my...favorite...statue! That...cretin!

ARES:
     Some guy from Crete stole your statue?

XENA (whacks his arm):
     Aphrodite, I don't have time for your silly ex-god problems!

XENA (voice-over):
     I did not say that!

APHRODITE:
     Xena, puh-leeease help me!

Hephaestus motions in the direction he plans to go to track down the statue thief.

ARES (sarcastically, to Xena):
     I think I'm gonna go with Hephaestus, that is, if you think you can manage without me for that long.

XENA (smiling with clenched teeth):
     Yeah. I can manage just fine. You boys better hurry now.

Just then, Darion comes running over to them. We can hear Gabrielle calling out something, but she's not in sight.

DARION:
     Wait! I want to go, too! I want to go with Ares.

XENA:
     I don't know if that's such a good idea...

DARION (stubbornly):
     I'm old enough! I don't want to stay here at the orphanage while everybody else gets to have fun!

XENA (not in the mood to argue anymore):
     Fine. Ares, take good care of him, all right?

ARES (mutters):
     You'd think I'd never watched the kid before.

DISSOLVE TO

A narrow path in a forest. Ares and Hephaestus are walking together with Darion a short way ahead of them, carrying a stick and swinging it around like a sword. The two men are still a bit drunk.

HEPHAESTUS (nods in Darion's direction):
     Cute kid. Where'd you and Xena pick him up?

ARES (nearly chokes):
     He's not--he's not our son! I guess Gabrielle found him. She's one of those humans who's always bringing home strays... Apparently she actually likes children. (Shudders.)

HEPHAESTUS (chuckles):
     And I take it you don't? What about Xena? Aren't you two ever going to have any?

ARES:
     Maybe--if she can figure out a way to get me pregnant! She expects me to do everything else now that I'm mortal.

HEPHAESTUS:
     Oh, come on, it can't be that bad. You know, Dite wanted to have a baby before--back when we were still gods. Now she's afraid of losing her figure.

ARES:
     Is there anything about being mortal that doesn't suck?

HEPHAESTUS (pretends to ponder the question for a moment):
     Nope.

DARION (comes up to the two men and whispers):
     Shhhh! I heard something over there!

Darion points to a cave in a nearby rock cliff.

ARES (puts his arm on the boy's shoulder):
     Stay close to me.

He motions to Hephaestus to follow. They walk quietly over to the cave, then cautiously step inside. There are signs that someone has been here recently.

Suddenly, a blade appears against Hephaestus' neck.

FEMALE VOICE:
     Didn't your mother ever teach you to--

ARES:
     Xena? What are you doing?

XENA (withdraws her sword):
     Ares? How did you manage to find this place before I did?

ARES:
     What's that supposed to mean?

XENA:
     Well, this morning you couldn't even find your way out of your bedroll without help, so--

ARES (bitterly):
     Oh, that's right. Go ahead and mock me, Xena. 'Oh, silly Ares, he isn't used to living like a vagrant!' That doesn't change the fact that I got here first!

XENA (gets up in his face, shouting):
     I was assessing the situation! I'm not dumb enough to go into a cave without knowing what's inside first!

ARES (shouting back):
     Oh, that is just like you! You can never let anyone else win, can you?

One of the thugs from earlier approaches the entrance from outside the cave. He hears the shouting, drops the chest he is carrying, and runs away.

ARES (points at the thug):
     Hey, that guy is getting away!

XENA (ignores him, then shoves him backwards):
     Quit trying to change the subject, deadbeat!

Hephaestus runs into the cave after the thug, and Xena pays no attention.

ARES (concerned):
     Xena, you're not listening to me! They're going to escape!

A pair of the thugs approaches from another tunnel in the cave, wondering what the shouting is about. Their eyes widen when they see Xena, and they run past her and Ares while the two are fighting. Darion looks as if he wants to run after the thugs himself, but thinks better of it, and then he attempts to come between Xena and Ares.

XENA:
     You're just as worthless as all the other gods! The only thing you care about is--you!

ARES:
     Well, at least somebody does!

Three more thugs approach the cave, hear the argument, and run out. A few moments later, Hephaestus comes out, chasing them, but Xena doesn't notice them.

DARION:
     HEEEEEYYYYYY!!!

Xena and Ares finally look down at Darion.

DARION (points in the direction of the thugs):
     They're getting away! Aren't you supposed to be, you know, chasing them?

Xena looks at Ares, who gives her an "I tried to tell you" look, then they run off simultaneously after the bad guys. Darion runs after them.

ARES (yells across at Xena while running):
     Betcha I catch them first!

XENA:
     No way, Ares!

Xena reaches out her leg and trips Ares, who goes flying head-first onto the ground. We see him spit out a leaf, his face angry and determined, and pick himself back up.

DISSOLVE TO

Xena and Ares running into the village, getting there just after the thugs. They see that everyone is fighting, and even the thugs are battling each other. Ares and Xena look at each other and draw their swords, looking like they're going to kill each other. In the background we can see Gabrielle and Aphrodite pulling each other's hair and taking turns slapping each other.