THE SHIPPER SEASONS
XENA WARRIOR PRINCESS VIRTUAL SEASON SEVEN

FIVE IN THE BED AND THE LITTLE ONE SAID...

Production #XWP138/SS04
Episode #7.04

Story By: Tali
Written By: Tali
Collage By: Aurora
Images Gathered By: Aurora

Logline
Xena and Gabrielle journey back to the farmhouse on their way to meet up with Eve, but when they arrive, they come across some company they never would have expected.

Airdate
October 20, 2001

TEASER

FADE IN

A small army comes riding over the hill and stops to look at the small farmhouse up ahead. The light from the sun is fading fast and it casts shadows along the green slopes that surround the little cottage. Brilliant pinks and oranges dance across the sky. The trees sway gently in the afternoon breeze as animals munch on grass. 

HEAD THUG (grins):
     That will do nicely, boys. Might even get a nice meal if the lady of the house is in. 

THUG #1:
     Like Mamma used to make? 

HEAD THUG (whispers):
     Shut up man, you'll make me home sick. 

THUG #1:
     Sorry, Adberus. 

The other thugs look at each other strangely and to their Commander before they begin to ride down to the house. A dark figure gasps as it sees the band of men coming. 

Camera close up to show Greba's shocked face. She looks left and right and then runs into the bushes. 

The men arrive at the house and get off their horses. One of the thugs lights a torch and throws it at the barn causing it to catch fire. 

ADBERUS (hits thug who torched the barn over the head):
     We're here to stay the night, not cause a forest fire. 

Other men laugh and Greba looks on from the bushes. She quietly sneaks away. 

We see Greba running as fast as she can straight to Ares' old farm. Pan back to see a wide shot of the farm. She goes inside and locks the door. Close up of Greba on the floor shaking. 

CUT TO

Ares and Aphrodite are standing around on Olympus having a heated conversation. Hestia, one of the Olympians who survived, is dusting in the background. 

ARES:
     I see myself converting to Eli's religion sooner, Sis. 

APHRODITE (rolls her eyes):
     You are so stubborn. You just can't do it or are you scared? (smiles, she knows she has him now) 

ARES:
     Me scared? (raises voice) Never! I just don't want to relive that all over again. My mortal days were spent with chickens; yours were with a crazy Roman Emperor. I think you got the better deal. 

APHRODITE:
     He sucked my godhood from me! 

ARES (mockingly):
     Ooh, sounds kinky. Well, you got over it. I think I'm scarred for all of my eternal life. (starts muttering to himself) Chickens, pigs, cows! (yelling now) Damn those chickens! 

APHRODITE:
     Yo Bro, take a chill pill. You did get to sleep in the same bed as Xena. 

ARES:
     And the annoying blonde can't keep her hands to herself. 

APHRODITE (grins evilly):
     Did she get a little too close for comfort, Ar? 

ARES (snaps out of his trance):
     I know what you are doing; you're trying to distract me so I'll say yes. Well fine little sister dear I'll do it. 

APHRODITE (claps her hands together):
     I knew you'd come through, Bro... 

ARES:
     If you do. 

APHRODITE:
     What? 

ARES (circles his sister in a predatory manner):
     You heard me. I'll stay a whole day and night at that repulsive farm without using my powers--if you do too. 

APHRODITE:
     You have got to be kidding me. 

ARES:
     You dared me; I'm daring you back. 

APHRODITE (throws a dirty look at her brother):
     Deal. (sighs in defeat) Remind me, how exactly did we get into this again? 

ARES:
     Spring cleaning. 

APHRODITE:
     Oh yes. (rolls her eyes) Aunt Hestia just had to start fumigating the place. 

ARES:
     Hey, there are a lot of other places to hang out. I was all ready to go find some nice battlefield. You came up with the farm idea. (smirks) Hey Horace, looks like we're going on vacation. 

The now immortal Horace comes out from behind a pillar and barks happily as we: 

FADE OUT

ACT ONE

FADE IN

Xena and Gabrielle are riding along, Argo looks unimpressed. 

GABRIELLE (turns to Xena):
     Are you sure you want to go to the farm? 

XENA (gets a confused look):
     Why wouldn't I? 

GABRIELLE:
     Well, I just thought that you might feel a little uncomfortable there. After all, it's where Ares lived as a mortal. I bet you can still smell him all over the place. 

XENA (laughs):
     We need somewhere to stay before we meet up with Eve in a week. The farm is in the perfect location. 

GABRIELLE:
     I suppose so. (fidgets in her saddle) 

XENA:
     Are you sure that's all? 

GABRIELLE (takes a deep breath):
     I've been having this dream. It's pretty silly Xena; I don't even know why it's bothering me. It's just so real. 

XENA (rolls her eyes at Gabrielle):
     If it bothers you so much tell me about it. 

GABRIELLE (looks at Xena and a small look of fear passes over her features):
     I dreamt that I (mumbles) touched Ares. You know, touched him. (meaningful embarrassed look) It was while we were at the farm before and sharing the bed. 

A relieved smile graces the bards face and she nudges her mare to move forward. It was easier telling her friend than she had thought. After about 3 paces she realizes that Xena isn't with her. Gabrielle turns to see Xena clutching her side and turning red from suppressed laughter. As blue eyes meet green, the Warrior Princess bursts out into a fit of giggles, almost falling off Argo. 

GABRIELLE:
     Did I say something funny? 

CUT TO

APHRODITE:
     I changed my mind; there is no way I am staying here. 

The Goddess of Love turns to leave and Ares grabs her wrist. In the background the old farm can be seen with a perfect sunset behind the house. 

ARES:
     Deal's been made; bet is on. Can't back out on me now. What would people think? The Goddess of Love with no stamina. (grins maliciously) 

The grin is soon wiped off his face as Aphrodite hits him. With a toss of her blond curls and a wave of her hand she stands there in an outfit fit for a farm girl but still very Aphrodite. The Goddess of Love is left standing there in baby pink shorts and a bra. Little sandals adorn her feet. The outfit is covered in darker pink spots. 

ARES:
     Always the fashionable one, I'm sure the chickens are going to be suitably impressed. 

APHRODITE:
     I'm taking on the role completely. Mind, body and fashion. 

ARES:
     Glad to see you're dedicated. (smirks) Come on, Horace. 

Horace and Ares make their way towards the house as Aphrodite rolls her eyes and skips to catch up.

Pan back to see farm, house, hills and three small figures. 

CUT TO

View of the whole living room, slowly closing in on figure in the corner. Greba hears voices coming from outside. She claps a hand to her mouth, her eyes wide, obviously trying to stifle a scream. She fails. 

GREBA:
     Ahhhhhhhhh! Get away. Get away! 

She screams loud enough that Thrace and Sparta can probably hear her. Horace starts whimpering and Ares and Aphrodite exchange startled looks. They stand at the door for a moment. Greba then comes running out of the house with a frying pan in her left hand and runs straight into Aphrodite. The two women tumble onto the porch and Ares bursts out laughing. 

Greba untangles herself from the Goddess of Love and then notices Ares. 

GREBA (smiles seductively; well she attempts to):
     I'm so sorry to barge in like this. It's just this band of evil men burnt down my barn and have taken over my house. I was worried that you were them. You know, a young widow like me all alone out here. I'm very vulnerable; they might want to violate me. 

ARES (looks unimpressed at the prospect of spending the night with Greba):
     You were planning on fighting them off with a frying pan? 

GREBA:
     It seemed like a good idea at the time. 

APHRODITE (looks Greba up and down):
     She ain't no Xena, Bro. 

ARES:
     Greba, my sister Aph.....Aphie. Aphie, this is Greba. 

APHRODITE (mouths "Aphie?"):
     Oh boy. 

GREBA:
     You never told me you had a sister, Aresis. 

Ares just smiles and Aphrodite rolls her eyes. Greba turns and heads back into the house. Aphrodite grabs Ares by the arm to stop him. 

APHRODITE:
     Aresis? Gee that's original. You weren't using one hundred percent of brainpower when you were a mortal, were you? 

ARES:
     Do you ever? (laughs before following Greba) 

CUT TO

GABRIELLE:
     Are we there yet? 

Xena turns and gives Gabrielle "the look". 

GABRIELLE:
     I was just asking. 

Argo continues to look unimpressed. 

ARGO (neighs irritably; on-screen translation):
     I'm sure I've seen this exact piece of Greece five minutes ago. 

GABS HORSE (neighs; on-screen translation):
     Neigh. 

XENA:
     We'll be there soon, Gabrielle. 

GABRIELLE:
     But it's getting dark. 

XENA:
     So? You all of a sudden afraid of the dark? 

GABRIELLE:
     No, I'm just cold and tired. 

XENA (under her breath):
     Gee what a surprise. 

GABRIELLE:
     What was that you said, Xena? 

XENA (changing the subject):
     There's Ares' old farm. 

Xena points to the small farm in the distance. They start into gallop. 

CUT TO

Greba hears the horse hooves on the hard ground before Ares and Aphrodite. She grabs the frying pan and clings onto Ares for dear life. Aphrodite stifles a laugh. Ares tries in vain to detach Greba from his body. A loud bang is heard as thunder interrupts and rain unexpectedly starts pelting down. 

A very wet and tired Gabrielle and Xena burst through the door and are shocked to see Ares, Greba and Aphrodite. 

XENA (gives Greba "the look"):
     What the...? 

FADE OUT

ACT TWO

FADE IN

Xena and Gabrielle are seated in front of the fire. Aphrodite is daintily sitting on an old chair, Ares is still standing and Greba is still firmly attached to his side. Xena keeps on glancing at Greba; this is noticed by Aphrodite who is smiling like a maniac. 

GABRIELLE:
     What is this, the meet and greet party? 

ARES (close up of Ares face):
     Look, Blondie, if I'd known you were going to be here I wouldn't be here. 

XENA:
     What are you doing here? 

ARES (sarcastic):
     I'm on my yearly vacation and decided to have it here. (rolls eyes) 

XENA (innocent look):
     I thought you usually went to the Amazon Lands for that? 

ARES (sarcastic look):
     I wanted a change of scenery. 

APHRODITE:
     Ahem, (no one takes notice) ahem. (still no one pays attention) Oh for Gaia's sake, ahem! 

Xena, Ares, Gabrielle and Greba turn to the frustrated Goddess. 

APHRODITE:
     Now that I have everyone's attention, and I better keep it (pointed look at Xena and Ares), we have a few matters to discuss. 

GABRIELLE (takes over):
     Yeah, what are you guys really doing here? 

ARES:
     We're on vac--

GABRIELLE (cuts Ares off):
     The truth. 

XENA:
     Yes, Ares, the truth. 

GREBA:
     Ares? Ares? Who is she talking to, Aresis? 

XENA:
     And I thought Mavican was stupid. (turns to Greba) He Ares, you Greba. 

ARES (mumbles):
     Channeling Joxer for a moment, are we? 

GREBA:
     No, he Aresis, and that (points to Aphrodite) is his sister Aphie. 

XENA (groans):
     This is going to be a long night. 

CUT TO

Ten Minutes later. 

XENA:
     One more time, he is not Aresis, his name is Ares and he is the God of War. That (points at Aphrodite) is his sister, Aphrodite, the Goddess of Love. 

GREBA:
     Huh? 

ARES:
     I'd give up if I were you. 

GREBA (silent for a moment, gets a look of clarity):
     The God of War and Goddess of Love? 

Greba looks at Ares then to Aphrodite, she then promptly passes out. 

APHRODITE:
     That went well. 

GABRIELLE:
     Should we move her? 

Xena, Ares, Gabrielle and Aphrodite look down at Greba who is peacefully passed out on the floor. 

XENA:
     Nah...she looks happy where she is. 

GABRIELLE:
     I hope she didn't hit her head too hard. 

ARES:
     Not that it would make a whole lot of difference. 

GABRIELLE:
     Back to why you two are here. 

APHRODITE:
     I bet Ares that he couldn't stay a night and day here without using his powers. 

XENA (confused look):
     So why are you here? (looks at Aphrodite) 

ARES:
     I dared her back. 

APHRODITE:
     I know it's supposed to be no powers but, Bro, I have to do this. 

ARES:
     What?

A blinding pink light fills the room, as it dies down (close up of Xena and Gabrielle) Gabrielle and Xena are left in new outfits. Xena is wearing tight black pants with a Salmoneus' Secret bra. Gabrielle is wearing the same style as Aphrodite. Her outfit is baby blue with darker blue spots and instead of shorts she has on 3/4 pants. 

XENA (smirks at Gabrielle):
     You two match. 

Gabrielle looks at Aphrodite's outfit and the variation of her own. Ares eyes Xena appreciatively before he realizes there is something missing: his vest. 

ARES:
     Um, Little Sister deary, you seem to have misplaced my vest. 

APHRODITE:
     Oops. (smiles innocently) 

Ares growls and goes for his sister. Xena stops him mid step and places her hand on his chest. Aphrodite and Gabrielle both raise an eyebrow at this. 

XENA:
     You want to win this, don't you? 

ARES (looks at Xena with confused eyes):
     Yeah, so? 

XENA:
     She's going to have to be in one piece if you want to win. 

ARES:
     Why are you helping me? 

XENA (looks down at herself):
     This isn't my color. 

Greba regains consciousness in time to see Xena and Ares chatting. She gets a look of determination. 

GREBA (thinking):
     Get your skanky little hands off him! I'm the widow, they want to violate me not you. I need him. (out loud) My head. (shakes her head for a moment) So who's gonna be big and strong and get rid of the bad men in my house? (bats her eyelashes at Ares) 

ARES:
     Xena will do it. 

GREBA:
     What? 

XENA:
     In the morning though. I'm tired, good night. (starts in the direction of the bedroom) 

APHRODITE:
     What about sleeping arrangements? 

ARES:
     I'm wherever Xena is. 

GABRIELLE:
     Gee what a surprise. 

CUT TO

The sky is misty and clouds are rolling over a never-ending horizon. The land is bare with the exception of a small farm. A tiny house can be seen with light radiating from its windows. Smoke puffs out of the chimney. Camera moves forward towards the house and focuses on the barn for a moment before moving towards it. 

CUT TO

Inside the barn hay is pilled up to the ceiling and two horses stand tied up to a pole. 

ARGO (neighs; on-screen translation):
     Oh how I miss mother. She used to tell me wonderful stories when it was raining. 

GABS HORSE (neighs; on-screen translation):
     Neigh. 

ARGO (neighs irritably; on-screen translation):
     Keep it down over there, I'm reminiscing. 

FADE OUT

ACT THREE

FADE IN

Close up of fireplace. Pan back to see Gabrielle and Aphrodite sitting on the floor. The fire is burning brightly and shadows are jumping on the two women's faces. Aphrodite turns to Gabrielle. 

APHRODITE (smiles):
     Did you see the way Ares ran after Xena? 

GABRIELLE:
     It was rather hard to miss. (smirks) Not that it's surprising. 

APHRODITE (pause):
     You see it, don't you? 

GABRIELLE:
     How could I not? (sighs) 

APHRODITE:
     Xena Warrior Princess, Ex Destroyer of Nations and all around good girl has as much of a thing for Ares as he has for her. 

GABRIELLE:
     Ironic, isn't it? I don't think she even knows she is. 

APHRODITE:
     Could be worse, she could be lusting after someone really gross. 

GABRIELLE (smirks again):
     I thought she was. 

CUT TO

Close up. We see a tanned male hand. Camera moves back. Ares is asleep and Xena is glaring daggers at him. His hand is placed on her breast and her hand is poised over his head ready to hit him. As her hand comes down he rolls over, pulling her into an embrace. Gabrielle and Aphrodite burst into the room. 

XENA:
     This is not what it looks like. 

APHRODITE:
     Then what is it? 

GABRIELLE:
     I don't want to know. Stay like that Xena then we'll have enough room. 

Aphrodite and Gabrielle climb into bed with Xena and Ares. Xena eyes the two women strangely. 

GABRIELLE:
     Greba snores, really snores. 

APHRODITE:
     I thought Dad used to be bad. You could hear him half way across Olympus. He had nothing on her. 

XENA:
     Yik! 

APHRODITE:
     What was that? 

GABRIELLE:
     The closest you'll ever get to Xena squealing. 

APHRODITE:
     My brother moved his hand, did he? (grins) 

ARES (mumbles in his sleep):
     I don't want to go to Tartarus today, Mother. 

XENA:
     Okay Ares, wakey, wakey. 

Ares pulls Xena a little closer and sighs in his sleep. A loud bang is heard and a scream comes from the other room. Greba comes running into the room and jumps into the bed with the other four. Ares wakes up from the commotion. 

GREBA:
     Something attacked me! 

Horace comes strolling into the room with laughter filled eyes and a satisfied smirk on his doggy face. 

GABRIELLE:
     Greba's back. 

APHRODITE (deadpan):
     Oh yay! 

Ares notices everyone else in the bed, he also notices the close proximity between Xena and himself and smirks. 

ARES:
     What's with all the togetherness? 

XENA (shifts trying to make as much room between herself and Ares as possible):
     It's a long story. 

GABRIELLE:
     What are you going to do about those thugs, Xena? 

XENA:
     It depends. How many are there, Greba? 

GREBA:
     Hmm...let me see, (starts counting on her fingers) one, two, three.....I saw seven. 

XENA:
     Seven. Is that all? 

ARES:
     So what's the plan, Xena? 

XENA:
     We go in and beat them up, work for everyone else? 

GABRIELLE, APHRODITE and ARES:
     Yep. 

GREBA:
     Isn't that kind of unladylike? 

GABRIELLE:
     Anyone else getting deja vu of Diana? 

XENA (mumbles):
     I liked Diana. 

CUT TO

All is dark except for one candle illuminating the room. Various bodies lie sleeping. Two lay next to each other, both attempting to fall into Morpheus' realm. 

THUG #1:
     Hey Abderus, you still awake? 

ABDERUS:
     Yeah Bro, what is it? 

THUG #1:
     I was just thinking 'bout home and stuff. 

ABDERUS:
     What about home? 

THUG #1:
     I miss Mamma and her cooking and stories and... 

ABDERUS:
     Don't think about that. We have a new life now. 

THUG #1:
     Yeah, good night Abderus. 

FADE OUT

ACT FOUR

FADE IN

The morning sun is slowly rising and a rooster crows in the background. Ares forms a ball of energy and throws it out the window. A loud thud is heard. Aphrodite, Xena, Gabrielle and Ares all lay wide awake. Greba is loudly snoring. They had to stop Aphrodite from smothering her twice during the night. Horace looks up at the group miserably from the floor that was his bed. 

APHRODITE:
     I vote we let the thugs have her. After five minutes in the same room they'll send her back or kill her. Either way we win right? 

XENA:
     It would go against all the good I've done. 

ARES (girly voice):
     Oh no you couldn't do that, could you? Righting wrongs is your life, yadda, yadda, yadda. 

GABRIELLE:
     Will someone please kick her and wake her up? 

ARES:
     Been trying all night. 

Greba stirs suddenly. Her eyes open and she sits up. She stretches luxuriously, Ares ducks to avoid her fist hitting his jaw. 

GREBA:
     I had a wonderful night! Are we going to get the bad guys now? 

Ares, Xena, Aphrodite, and Gabrielle groan and Horace whimpers. 

CUT TO

Ares and Xena are hiding between a large bush a few meters from Greba's cottage. Aphrodite, Gabrielle and Greba are behind a fence just a little farther than Xena and Ares. After ten minutes of waiting and no action Ares and Xena get bored and walk into the house. 

The group of men jump up from their positions on the floor grabbing their weapons on the way. 

XENA:
     This is going to be fun. 

ARES:
     Always fun fighting with you. You know, it's the next best thing to--

XENA:
     Ares! 

A small fight breaks out. One man comes for Xena and she knocks him flat on his bottom with a kick to his midsection. Two try to take Ares. After a small sword fight he sends them flying into the wall. More swords clash, one fights with a staff and Xena quickly takes him out with her chakram. In the end Xena and Ares are triumphant. Only two thugs are left conscious and standing--Abderus and his brother. 

ABDERUS (shocked):
     Who are you? 

ARES:
     Who are you? 

ABDERUS:
     I asked first. 

ARES:
     I'm holding the sword. 

ABDERUS:
     Good point. My name is Abderus. I'm the head of Discord's band of... 

ARES (sarcastic):
     Merry men? 

THUG #1:
     Hey that sounds good. Why didn't we think of that? 

XENA:
     You're what's left of Discord's bondage boys? 

ABDERUS:
     Yes, we serve my Goddess. 

XENA:
     Did you miss the memo, there isn't much left of your Goddess. 

THUG #1 (confused):
     What? 

APHRODITE (walks up behind Ares):
     She's kinda lost her head. 

ABDERUS:
     When exactly did this happen? 

ARES:
     Twilight of the Gods mean anything to you? 

ABDERUS:
     Huh? 

XENA:
     You guys don't follow the news much, do you? 

THUG #1:
     Discord's dead? We can go home to Mamma then. (breaks out into a smile) 

XENA and ARES:
     Mamma? 

XENA:
     Go on, get out. 

ARES:
     Don't cause anymore trouble. (close up of Ares; stops and thinks about what he said) I've got to stop hanging around with you. 

CUT TO

Outside Ares' old house. Greba is hanging around like a bad smell and Aphrodite and Ares are ready to go. 

GABRIELLE:
     So who ended up winning the bet? 

XENA:
     Neither of them. 

APHRODITE and ARES:
     What? 

XENA (to Aphrodite):
     You blew it with the changing of outfits. 

ARES (dirty look):
     When did I blow it? 

XENA:
     You blew it this morning. (points to a pile of feathers on the ground) Not a big fan of the chicken family, are you? 

ARES:
     That is not fair. 

XENA:
     All's fair in love and war, Ares. 

ARES:
     That was original, think it up all by yourself? 

XENA:
     Well if you feel that way, no goodbye kiss. (turns and walks back into the house) 

ARES:
     That was mean! (disappears in a shower of sparkles) 

APHRODITE:
     It's been interesting, Gabrielle, really interesting. 

GABRIELLE:
     That's for sure. 

XENA (from inside the house):
     Yik! 

APHRODITE:
     I think it's safe to say my brother's hand moved again. 

GABRIELLE:
     I might stay out here for a while. I really don't want to be reduced to a pile of ashes. 

APHRODITE:
     Tootles babe, it's been real. You'll forgive me if I don't do this every year, right? (she disappears in a shower of pink sparkles) 

GREBA:
     Yoo-ho, Gabby. Can I borrow a cup of sugar, after all that's what neighbors do? 

GABRIELLE:
     I'm in hell. 

CUT TO

A large room is glowing white. Aphrodite appears in the main Throne room on Olympus. 

APHRODITE:
     In the name of me! It smells like lemon scent up here. (delicately holds her nose) 

Ares appears next to her, a smug grin adoring his features. It soon disappears as the scent invades his nostrils. 

ARES (deadpan):
     The foul smell of cleaning products, my, my Aunt Hestia has been busy. 

APHRODITE (muttering to herself):
     I hate lemon; it's worse than the pine tree one. 

ARES:
     It smells like a hospice in here. 

APHRODITE (all of a sudden gets a strange look):
     I'm gonna throw up. 

The Goddess of Love disappears in a shower of pink. 

ARES (mutters):
     Thanks for sharing. 

Ares looks around for a moment before sighing and also disappearing. 

CUT TO

The Halls of War are sparkling clean and completely white. 

ARES:
     Aunt Hestia!!!

FADE OUT

THE END

[Much to Ares' relief, Gabrielle kept her hands to herself during the production of this motion picture. Although the chickens did continue to haunt him for the next week. Unfortunately, Argo is still unimpressed.]